Jensen and Shaun, backdated to 9/13/2013
Sep. 13th, 2013 07:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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om_mainShaun tells Jensen about what he learned from Tessa. (Takes place the day after this log.)
Sitting back in his chair, Jensen grinned as 1998 July, Raccoon Forest came up on his computer screen. The words faded onto a dark, cloudy sky and the sound of chopper blades whirring came from his speakers. His grin grew as scene continued with cheesy dialogue and even cheesier acting that finally ended with a cast montage and the title card Resident Evil that was read aloud in an attempt at Spooky Voice by the narrator.
At the sound of the door opening, Jensen’s head swung in its direction with a grin, knowing it was his rooommate. “Hey, man. You need to see this, I’m replaying Resident Evil and, oh my God, I forgot how fucking bad the opening scene is. It’s fucking awesome.”
Shaun smiled and dropped his bag down on the foot of his bed, sitting on the edge as he untied his shoe. "Okay, sure." Toeing off his shoes, he got up and stretched before leaning over the back of his chair. "Start over?" he asked, letting his arms rest over his shoulders, his chin on his elbow, close to Jensen's. He hesitated, not sure if he should, then let his finger run against the side of his neck. "Have a good day?"
The light touch made Jensen smile to himself. It felt nice, even with Shaun’s gloves on, and he really just wanted to close his eyes and lean into it. “Yeah, I did,” he answered as he restarted the game. “Got that English paper back. Jones gave me an A on it. Talked to Jacks. Oh, and I screwed around in the gym for a bit? I floated weights around blindfolded for, like, ten minutes.” He grinned, excited and proud. “I am so fucking Jedi, dude.” Okay, so ten minutes wasn’t really much, especially given what the other students had accomplished, but he’d picked shit up without having to see it and that was pretty awesome to him, ten minutes or not.
Whirring chopper blades came over the speakers again. “I was doing some homework, but I was having trouble concentrating so…” Jensen gestured at the game, then glanced over his shoulder at Shaun. “You?”
"Awesome, great job on the paper," he said, talking quietly next to his ear, grinning at him a little. "And the weights, that's badass. I'd call you Luke but I know how you feel about that."
He slung his arms around Jensen's shoulders, laughing at the video as he pulled off his gloves and dropped them onto Jensen's desk. "Ugh, I had so many tests today. I mean, I feel alright about them? But it still sucked." He hesitated, but then rested his chin on Jensen's shoulder, his arms hanging. "I just want to chill out and never study for anything ever again." He chuckled at some more of the dialogue, then added, "Wow, this is really bad."
Jensen pulled a face at the mention of tests. “Ew. Tests are fucking evil,” he said. “Testing is one of the major problems with the education system.” But then, he sucked at taking tests so he was probably biased. “You’re smart though. I bet you did great.”
“Oh, oh! Watch this part, dude!” Jensen said, patting Shaun’s arm excitedly. “It’s the best.” He laughed as one of the actors picked up a gun attached to a hand that wasn’t attached to anything else and let out a very unconvincing scream-shout of surprise. “Oh my God, the acting is so bad that it’s awesome.”
"Are you sure it's awesome? Because it might just circle back around to awful," he teased, grinning over him. He loved how excited Jensen got about these things, how it was infectious and made him excited about them too.
Once the video was finished, he stood up again, letting his arms go to his shoulders and squeeze them gently. "I'm glad I experienced that at least once in my life," he said, as he flopped onto his bed, moving towards the back to make space, casually inviting. "Are you going to play it now?"
Jensen looked over his shoulder to invite Shaun to play with him, only to immediately change his mind, “Nope. Later.” Definitely later. He x-ed out of the game, closed his laptop, and spun his chair around. Getting up, he crossed the room over to Shaun’s bed and flopped down next to him, stretching slow and with an exaggerated groan. “Hey,” he said after, grinning at him.
Shaun smirked over at him, rolling his eyes playfully at that stretch. "Hey." He propped his head up on his arm, just looking at Jensen for a long moment. They hadn't done this before, not without pot or a small tent in the middle of the woods, and even though he didn't know exactly what to do now, he did want to. He'd been thinking about it ever since he talked to Tessa, and even though this wasn't something they talked about, he didn't want Jensen to think that he was only worth making out with when he was high, or was just some kind of experiment. Whatever the hell they were, he deserved better than that.
Tentatively, he dragged his fingers down his side, over his shirt, then placed the hand on his waist. "How're you?" he asked quietly, rubbing his side through the shirt.
Even with a layer of clothing between them, warmth raced up Jensen’s skin where Shaun was touching him. His heart started to race. They’d never done this before, not without being high or drunk or in the middle of nowhere. He wanted it, he’d thought about it. He didn’t know what that meant exactly, didn’t look at it too closely, but he did know that whatever this was it wouldn’t last long. No one would ever actually want to be with him. So, he wanted to hold onto this, being needed and wanted by him and making him feel good, while he could.
“I’m okay. You?” Jensen’s fingers played with the hem of Shaun’s shirt, heat twisting low and sudden in his stomach when their tips accidentally brushed lightly across bare skin.
Shaun's eyes closed for a moment as Jensen's fingers touched his skin, sending a shiver up his spine."I'm okay," he replied with a small smile as he slipped his hand up his shirt, trailing up his ribs and over his shoulder. His hand lingered over a spot he remembered had been broken early last year from when Tessa showed him his medical records, and he felt a surge of guilt, both from not having said anything and not having done anything about it. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't give it away with it and he was shit with words and feelings, so he just leaned in and kissed him, softer than he ever had before.
A quiet sound, half-surprise and half-enjoyment escaped from Jensen. His fingers slowly curled around Shaun’s shirt, holding onto him, drawing him closer, as his lips parted for his mouth. They had kissed more times than he could count now. Sometimes the kisses had been slow, others fast and hard, but they had never been like this. They had never been so gentle and sweet, like he wasn’t just kissing him, but was kissing him. He found he liked this kind of kiss just as much, if not more, than the others. Because this kiss was just for him, it was all his.
Jensen’s hand slipped under Shaun’s shirt, sliding over the flat of his stomach, his thumb catching on his belly button a moment. His fingers curled against his skin and then slid up further. He wanted to touch him everywhere.
This was...really nice. Really fucking nice. He made a soft sound against Jensen's as his fingers slid over him, muscles jumping as he traced the lines of his stomach. "Tickles," he murmured before wrapping an arm around his shoulders, pushing Jensen so that he was on his back, Shaun lying on top of him, pressed close. Kissing him again softly, he smoothed his hands over his arms, pushing them out above his head.
So, the hands getting pinned above his head thing was hot. Like, really fucking hot. Jensen had no idea how he was going to jerk Shaun off like this, but he so wasn’t complaining either. He was groaning quietly, basically just fucking melting underneath him. He drew a foot up flat on the mattress; his fingers curled, catching on Shaun’s; and he tilted his head to kiss him deeper, wanting to draw this out for as long as he could.
Christ, Shaun had no idea that that Jensen would react like that, or what it would do to him. It felt like there was fire in his gut at the way he went loose under him, and he wanted more of it. He pressed his wrists into the bed harder than he had before, his thumbs pressing into the middle of his palms. "Christ, you are so fucking hot," he whispered against his lips before kissing him again, hard and demanding. His knee hooked under the leg that was left resting against the bed and pushed it to the side, then rested his weight against him, between his legs.
Oh, fuck. Jensen groaned quietly into their kiss, legs falling open. They’d never done anything like this before. Normally it was this hurried rush of kissing and getting pants down, but this was slower and Shaun was telling him he was hot and was pressed tight against him, holding him there. The desperation was still there, but there was less urgency, more surety and he wasn’t sure what was happening, but he liked it. He liked it a fucking lot.
Jensen tugged on the hands that pinned his wrists down, not trying to escape, just testing their grip. His body shifted under Shaun’s, pressing up in towards him. It made their shirts ride up and there was skin against skin and, fuck, he was hot? He didn’t hold a fucking candle to Shaun.
Shaun hummed as their shirts got snagged and pushed up, and he exchanged the grip so that he could hold him there with just one hand so he could run his hand up his side. Christ, his skin was so soft. He'd knew girls were supposed to be soft, but he hadn't really realized that guys would be too, for some reason.
But with how sweet and, fuck, trusting Jensen was being, it only made him feel more guilty. He had to tell him. The whole reason he didn't want to say anything is because he was afraid he'd be mad at him. If he was going to be mad at him, he wouldn't want to do this and, well, that was his fucking right.
With a small, tired sigh, he pulled back a little, stroked the hair from his face. "Jay, I need to talk to you about something."
Worry twisted up in Jensen’s stomach. Anything that started in we need to talk never ended well. This was over. That’s what it had to be. He knew it would happen eventually. Shaun was bored with him, or had realized he could do so much better in his choice of...whatever they were. Shaun’d be nice about it. Of course, he’d be nice about it, he was Shaun. But that didn’t make that didn’t lessen the ache in his chest or make that sickening knot inside his stomach go away.
Jensen sat up, propping himself up with his hands behind him on the bed. He kept his expression easy, relaxed, hiding behind his usual mask of carefree, smart-mouth teenager. “Okay. What’s up?”
Shaun sighed, awkwardly trying to get up after getting displaced. Jensen was good at hiding his feelings, but hell, he lived with him. Besides, when someone's face completely changed after you said 'I need to talk to you', it wasn't exactly a leap to figure out what was going through their head.
He didn't know how to do this, either. Fuck, what was he supposed to say? He'd turned it over in his head constantly since he'd found out, but hadn't really come to a consensus. Maybe all there really was was to come out and say it.
"Jay, I'm sorry, but..I was at the library the other day, and I guess I was radiating some anger or something, because...Tessa came up to me, Jensen." He reached out and awkwardly set his hand on his knee, running his thumb over it as he looked at him carefully. "I know, Jay," he said quietly, squeezing his leg. "I'm sorry."
Jensen’s expression dropped and he looked away as this nauseating mixture of shame and embarrassment and fear rolled through him. What Shaun must think of him... How fucking pathetic he was, this loser whose own parents knew he wasn’t worth anything. And, Jesus, what if he said something? Told someone? He had no reason to keep quiet about it. Oh, God, he’d fucked up so bad.
When Jensen looked back, his face had hardened with anger and stubborn resolution, but, try as he might to hide it from Shaun, there was still an edge of desperateness in his eyes. “She promised she wouldn’t tell anyone,” he said. “I kept my fucking mouth shut and she didn’t say anything. That was the fucking deal. I compromised my fucking morals and--” He stopped short, frustration and anger making the words get all tangled up inside him.
"Hey, hey," Shaun said quickly, trying to calm him down before he lost him. The anger in his face scared him, he'd never seen that look on him before, and it seemed foreign and unnatural. It made him even more scared to say what had happened, but he deserved the truth. Besides, finding out he'd been lied to wasn't likely to do him any favors.
"She stopped me, and I confronted her. I was...I was so fucking angry at her, but I also was scared, Jay. I mean, you flipped the fuck out and then she was blackmailing you? And, fuck, you're seventeen. What the fuck could she have to blackmail you with? I just...I was worried you were in trouble. And you were. Are."
He exhaled slowly, looking away only for a moment to gather himself before holding his gaze. "She gave me a choice, Jensen. She told me that you might hate me for finding out, and I knew you wouldn't want me asking, but I did anyway. I knew that if you were in trouble, I had to find out, and even if you hate me for it, I'm not sorry. I made the right decision." He sat, looking at him, braced for Jensen to yell at him or hit him or something. He almost wished he would, because the alternative in his mind was him staying silent, which he knew would be worse.
Jensen stared at Shaun, silent. He didn’t...he didn’t know what to say. Fuck, it was so much so fast that he could barely wrap his fucking head around any of it. No one outside his sister had ever cared about what happened to him that much before. No one had ever been so worried that they’d do anything to help. No one had ever been afraid he’d hate them before. He looked down at the hand on his knee and his fingers itched to place his own over it. “I don’t hate you.” A small shrug. “I couldn’t. You’re my best friend.”
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.” But especially Shaun. That had been important. Not just for the safety of his sister, but for his own, selfish reasons too--He hadn’t wanted Shaun to see what everyone else saw, see who he really was. “How...how much do you know?”
Relief flooded Shaun, and he couldn't help but let out a small sigh. It was short lived, though, because now he had to do this. "I know someone is hurting you," he said carefully, watching Jensen for any sign of emotion. "I know that you've been going to the hospital several times a year since you were a little kid." He paused as the image of someone hitting a little kid found it's way into his head along with the memory of Jensen curled in the bathroom, yelling for Shaun not to touch him, and he had to suck in a breath through his nose to keep from getting sick. "And I know that it was never the same hospital in the same year. Sometimes they'd take you to one that was so far away, it just...It didn't make sense."
He reached out, gently touching Jensen's elbow, trying to stroke his arm but ready to pull away at the slightest sign of discomfort. "Who's hurting you, Jensen?" he asked, gentle but firm.
Jensen’s gaze dropped from Shaun’s face, focusing on the comforter, then, just barely, at the hand on his elbow, the thumb making gentle, slow passes across his arm. God, how had everything gotten so fucking messed up? Things had been going so fucking well here. He had friends, a best friend, he was passing his classes... No one knew who he was back home. No one knew he was this failure and fuck-up, but now... The truth was out there now. He hadn’t hide it well enough and now God fucking knows what the consequences would be.
“My dad,” Jensen said quietly. “It’s my dad.” It was like a little bit of weight lifted from his chest when he said the words. As frightened as he was, there was something like relief in not having to carry that secret from him anymore.
"That motherfucker. I'm so sorry," he said quietly, and he stroked Jensen's arm until he was holding his hand. Under the concern was rage, so fucking angry that Jensen's father had done this to him, and the wish to go and contract every STD and painful illness so that he could give it to him, leave him in so much fucking pain he wished Shaun would just fucking kill him already.
He put his arm out, offering to pull him in, but not wanting to force it. "Jay, you know this isn't your fault, right? It's not your fault."
It took Jensen a moment to realize Shaun was offering to hug him. He hesitated, unsure, and then was suddenly moving in, his arms going around him in a hug that started out loose, but quickly became tight. His whole body went from rigid to loose against him and he buried his face into his shirt as he just fucking broke. He didn’t answer the question, not trusting his voice and unable to choose between a truth or a lie. Instead, his fingers just curled around Shaun’s shirt, holding on.
Shaun held him tight against him, carding his fingers through his hair as he pressed his head to his chest. Fuck, this was so fucking awful, and he was shit at dealing with things like this. He wished he were better, Jensen deserved to have someone better to talk to about this with.
"Seriously though, Jay. It's not your fault." He kissed the top of his head softly, then tucked his chin against him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
His eyes closed, Jensen soaked up the gentleness like a dry sponge. He stayed still, afraid if he moved it would go away, and he really did not want it to go away. No one had ever been so fucking...fucking tender with him before. No one but his sister and this...this was different. He swallowed, his throat tight with emotion. He shook his head, just a little, and then shrugged. “What’s there to say?” His fingers curled tighter. “He hits me. They hate me.” And it is my fault. You just don’t know it yet.
"They're fucking idiots," he said quietly, kissing his head and his cheek, rubbing between his shoulder blades in slow circles. "Idiots doesn't even cover it. They're...just fucking evil. Anyone who could do that to a child, especially their child, is fucking evil." It was one thing for his parents to just ignore him altogether. If they didn't like him, why the fuck couldn't they just ignore him? It would have been better than this.
He kissed his cheek and below his ear softly, nuzzling the skin there and closing his eyes at the rasp of stubble against his nose. "Would you like me to kill him?" he asked quietly, seriously. "Stage four stomach cancer. No one would know."
For a minute, Jensen seriously considered it. He wanted his dad to suffer. He wanted him to hurt as badly as he’d hurt him every day of fucking his life. And after that, once he couldn’t take any more of it, he wanted him dead so he’d be fucking free of him forever. No more looking over his shoulder, no more carrying any of this. But rationality and the fear that, somehow, Shaun would get caught and pay for it won out.
“My mom doesn’t work, hasn’t ever,” Jensen answered, voice muffled by Shaun’s shirt. He turned his head, resting it against his chest instead. “There’d be no one to support my sister.” And with that said, with that possibility out of his mind, he was able to concentrate on the other thought the offer had brought to the forefront of his mind. Why? Why would Shaun offer to do something like that for him? Why would he risk himself? And he realized he’d do the exact same thing without hesitating if their roles were reversed.
Shaun nodded, just accepting it, because he would never try and convince him. If he did it, it had to be Jensen's choice, and one he wanted readily. It did make all sorts of crazy ideas come into his head though, that they were almost eighteen, that they could do it, even though he knew it was ridiculous even as he thought it. There was just this almost crazed desperation to do something to save his friend that was overwhelming.
"The offer stands if you ever change your mind," he said simply, then curled his fingers through his hair, playing with it as he tried to soothe him. "Jay," he said softly after a few moments, giving him time to recover before probing again. "Do they hurt your sister?"
Jensen pulled away abruptly, sitting back just enough so he could look Shaun in the eye, his hands on his chest, fingers still curled around his shirt. “Do you honestly think he’d be alive if he’d laid so much as a fucking finger on her?” he asked, voice hard. “Like I’d give a single, bare-bones of a fuck if Tessa wanted to turn him in if he was hurting Jacks. They love her. He fucking adores my sister.” He stopped there as if catching himself and his body language changed minutely, some of that anger and stubbornness leaking out. “Thanks though. For asking.” It meant a lot to him that Shaun cared about what happened to her.
Quietly, Jensen cleared his throat and his fingers uncurled just a little, not quite letting go, one hand shifting to toy with the collar of Shaun’s shirt. “Don’t worry, okay? I mean, I’ve made it this long, right? I’ll be alright.”
"I didn't mean it like that," he said quietly, feeling a little hurt, even though he felt totally stupid immediately afterwards. He relaxed from where he'd tensed up, and he put his hand on Jensen's,where he was playing with his shirt. "And I'd be a shitty best friend if I didn't worry about you. I just." He hesitated, then turned his head and kissed his hand a softly. "I just want you to be okay."
Jensen watched Shaun kiss his hand with quiet, almost awed eyes. His hand turned to catch his cheek, fingers curled just a little against it, and he leaned in, kissing him softly on the mouth. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. He just… My dad gets me all worked up.” He tucked hair behind Shaun’s ear and then rested his hand on his shoulder, fingertips just falling over the collar of his shirt. The corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile. “Seriously, don’t worry. I’ll be okay. I’ve got you and Jacks.”
Shaun shook his head, turning his head and giving him another soft peck on his lips. "It's fine. Don't apologize." His hand went up and took the one on his shoulder, kissing it again and turning over in his hand. "Just don't go back, okay? If you need to go see Jacks or something, meet her somewhere or take me with you, okay?" He leaned in and kissed him again, slow and lingering and ran his hand through he hair on his neck. "Just don't go alone, okay?"
“I can’t promise that,” Jensen replied guiltily, genuinely regretting it. He hated that he was disappointing Shaun like this, but he couldn’t lie to him either. “I wish I could. I swear I do, but she’s just a kid. What if she can’t meet me somewhere? What if she needs me? She’s already asked if she’ll see me at all over the holidays. I can’t just not see her.” And bringing Shaun was out of the question. He didn’t want him to see him how everyone else did. He didn’t want him to see how his dad treated him or to realize that maybe…maybe he deserved it. “I’m sorry.”
Shaun clinched his fists and his eyes pricked hot with frustration. "I can't just let you get hurt," he ground out, feeling angry, not at Jensen, but at the situation that felt completely helpless in preventing. "If you go there he'll hurt you, and I just...I can't just sit here knowing that he's hurting you and not do anything." He scrubbed his face, his mind running through situations trying to find some solution that Jensen would agree to. "I can...I can stay in town or something? You could call me if you're in trouble, or Jacks could, and I could come get you?"
He ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up at odd angles. "It's not good for her either, Jensen. Having to see that. That affects people. You have to know that." He hated using it, but it was true, and he seemed to care about her well being over his own.
Guilt shot through Jensen like a punch to the stomach. He looked away, nodding a little. “I do,” he admitted quietly, shame crawling over him. His refusal to not keep her in his life, to not give her up, had been hurting her. She was the only person who had ever loved him and he hadn’t wanted to lose that and he had been selfish. “I do know that.” He was an awful fucking person.
"Hey, hey," he said quickly, sliding his hand into Jensen's hair and pressing a hard kiss to his temple. He could tell that the guilt was hitting him hard, and that was the last thing he wanted. "It's not your fault, it's not your fault," he crooned softly, sweetly, stroking his hand through his hair. He'd never been this sweet with anyone but his sister in his life. "I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just...I don't want you to get hurt." He hugged him closer, kissing his head again.
Jensen let Shaun pull him in, his arms going around him reflexively, grip loose. It was his fault. How could it not be his fault? Everything was. He was the reason his dad hit him, he was the reason his parents hated him, so why wouldn’t this be his fault too? He still closed his eyes though and soaked up Shaun’s reassurances. Even though he knew they weren’t true, just hearing them made this overwhelming feeling of…not relief, but something like it rush over him and he wanted to hold onto that for a little while.
“What if I promise to only go when I know he won’t be around?” Jensen offered. A part of him still didn’t understand why Shaun was so worried. He knew Shaun was his friend, his best friend, but no one had ever cared about him that much before. He couldn’t see why anyone would. “Jacks won’t get hurt and it’ll be safe for me too.”
"That's a good idea." He stroked Jensen's hair and smiled, kissing his head softly. He didn't know how Jensen would manage that or if his father was gone frequently, but it was a start. He kissed him again, sliding his hand down his neck and shoulder. "If you change your mind, Jensen...If you want to report him, or if you ever need help or anything, I'll be there for you, alright?"
He kissed his neck and stroked his back, hugging him closer. "I'm so sorry, Jay."
Jensen exhaled quietly. His hands curled around Shaun’s shirt again just a little, and he nodded. It was hard to pretend everything was a-okay when the truth was so palpably, so fucking nakedly out there, and when Shaun was being so nice to him like this. It was like trying to hold onto wet sand—It kept crumbling and slipping through his fingers. Fuck, he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He felt exposed, stripped down to his bones, and exhausted and that feeling of shame was still crawling around in his belly. He just wanted to forget about it, forget everything, but he didn’t want this, Shaun’s hands and mouth on him, this touching like he was worth handling with care, to go away either.
Tilting his head, Jensen caught Shaun’s mouth in a kiss. Be here for me right now, he wanted to say. I need you. But words like that… Fuck, they were too personal, too intimate, too fucking much, and he couldn’t bring himself to say them. So, he just kissed him, a hand in his hair and the other wrapped around the front of his shirt, holding on.
Fuck, that kiss was so sweet and open, and it made Shaun's chest expand with this warm sort of fondness, the kind where you're pretty sure you'd do anything for someone, without even being asked. He kept him hugged close, kept stroking his back and shoulders, touching him gently through the layer of his shirt. The kiss was really a series of kisses, slow and sweet and content with just staying here for now, giving Jensen time to soak it in.
Jensen’s eyes were closed tight, hand still clenched around the front of Shaun’s shirt, all throughout the soft, gentle, sweet kisses. Soon, slowly, he lay back on the bed, drawing his best friend down with him. His legs shifted, making room so Shaun could lay between them, and his hand shifted to rest on the back of his neck, fingers toying and twirling the dark hair there. He loved this. He’d never said it, wasn’t sure he ever could, but, God, did he ever fucking love this. From Day 1 he had. Having Shaun close, being touched by him and getting to touch him, all the different ways they kissed... It was fucking amazing.
Shaun's stomach flipped and heat curled tight as he settled between Jensen's spread legs, pressed flush against him. "Fuck, baby," he groaned, kissing down to his neck, nuzzling just below his ear. Jensen's hands felt good, soothing after all that stress, and he sighed quietly against his skin. God, this felt good. His hands smoothed down his sides, slipping under his shirt and tracing over his stomach gently. "This feel good?"
Jensen hummed an assent, tilting his head to expose more of his neck to Shaun’s mouth. The muscles in his stomach jumped under his touch, his skin prickled with warmth. Always, he wanted to say. It always felt good and he always never wanted it to fucking end. He felt good and he felt wanted and this, right here with Shaun, was the only time he ever felt either of those things.
His free hand tugged up the hem of Shaun’s shirt and his fingers slid over his side, across the small of his back, tracing nonsense shapes over his skin. “Does this?” He turned his head, murmuring a quiet, “I want to make you feel good too,” before catching Shaun’s earlobe in his mouth and sucking. He wanted to make Shaun feel just as good and just as wanted. He wanted that more than anything.
"Yeah," he groaned, turning his head in towards his mouth and closing his eyes with a hum. "You do."
He worked his shirt off, tossing it aside before carefully removing his glasses too, folding them and setting them on the edge of his nightstand. Then he was back, kissing down his neck, his shoulders and his chest, moving quick without seeming hurried. Hands slid down his sides and thighs, gripping them and hitching them up, until he was flush against his ass. Hands slid up again smoothly, under his waist and shoulders, gripping and holding him firmly as he rolled his hips against him, glancing up to see his face as he kissed his chest.
Jensen’s head dropped back on the mattress, eyes closed as a surprised moan was pulled from him. “Oh, fuck,” he breathed, voice quiet and rough. “Fuck, Shaun.” That was hot and felt good and was crazy close to a fantasy he’d had more than a few times now. He reached down, fingers just barely catching on Shaun’s shirt. He curled them, gathering the material, bunching it up, pulling it as far as he could. Tugging it off, fina-fucking-ly, he tossed it over the edge of the bed. He laughed at the sight of Shaun’s mussed hair and, grinning, ran his hand through it.
It caught Shaun off guard how quickly Jensen went from that rough sound tone to laughter, and there was something warm and sweet in it that made his chest swell. He moved back up him and smiled against his lips as he kissed him again, his hand sliding up through his hair, nails scraping lightly against his scalp. Fuck, they really didn’t spend enough time kissing, in their usual rush for belts before someone chickened out. Kissing, he decided, was really fucking nice.
He pulled up a little without actually pulling away, like he didn’t want to stop kissing even as he asked, “Can I take your jeans off?” That was something they’d never managed to do before, too.
Jensen’s breath caught in his throat, his heart picking up speed. He swallowed, “Yeah,” and nodded, nervously wetting his lips, “Um, yeah, if you want to.” His fingers touched Shaun’s neck lightly, then slid along to the back of it, pressing more firmly, drawing him in for another kiss. Fuck, he could—Yeah, he could easily do this forever. Kissing Shaun was awesome and, God, he was pressed right up against him. Bare chest to bare chest, hips lined up, and Shaun’s hands were in his hair. How was it they’d jerked each other off and he’d never felt this fucking close to him before?
He pulled away without actually pulling away like Shaun had done, not wanting to stop kissing him. “Can I take yours off too?” he asked, nervous, and kissed the corner of his mouth.
Shaun made an assenting noise as he kissed Jensen back, his hands going down to his waist, slowly undoing his belt, his fly, and then he was leaning up, taking his pants with him. It didn't take him long to tug them over his feet,and he swallowed as he glanced over him, sliding his hands down the sides of his legs. He leaned down to kiss the side of one knee before going up again and kissing him slowly, trying to help hi keep from feeling nervous.
Jensen was nervous. Shaun had seen him in his boxers before, but this was different. This was beyond fucking different. It had his heart slamming against his ribcage and his stomach in these knots that an indiscernible mess of anxiety and excitement. As they kissed, his hands slid down Shaun, searching, stopping only when his fingers bumped against the waist of his pants. He found his belt buckle, fumbling a little, but getting it undone relatively easily. Tilting his head with a soft sound, he caught Shaun’s bottom lip as he went for his fly.
Even though he was trying not to show it, Shaun was just as nervous as Jensen was, to the point where he was sure that Jensen could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He let out a quiet groan when he caught his lip, because it felt good and he liked how soft everything was. This wasn't supposed to be hotter than the rushed times, if porn and romance novels were anything to go by, but...it was. It was exciting and it felt like it meant something, that even if they didn't feel anything romantic, that they cared about each other.
Once Jensen got his fly undone, he tried to help him get them off, laughing as he shoved his knee into Jensen's thigh. "Sorry," he laughed quietly as he kicked them off, and kissed his neck.
Jensen laughed too, “It’s okay. You missed the important stuff.” He cupped Shaun’s face, bringing him in for a kiss, and rolled them over. A hand slid down Shaun’s chest, over the bumps of his ribs and the flat of his stomach, toying briefly with the band of his underwear before sliding back up. “So, um, no pressure or anything and I won’t be offended if you say no, but, um, what would you say if I said I wanted to go down on you?”
Shaun swallowed hard when Jensen flipped him over because, yeah, that was kind of hot too. He was about to tease him about it, but then that question was asked and everything just left his mind. He gaped for just a second, because, well, fuck, but quickly realized he looked like an idiot and shut his mouth. "Seriously?" he asked, and there was this fluttering feeling that was taking over his stomach. "Yeah, totally. I mean, if you want to, yeah. That'd be awesome." He made a face and actually flushed. Really? Awesome? "Yeah."
A grin overtook Jensen. He was relieved that Shaun wasn’t freaked out and that reaction? Fucking adorable. He’d never gotten him flustered before. “I really want to,” he told him and then kissed him, heart racing, stomach in nervous knots of excited anticipation. He’d wanted to do this for awhile, but he’d always been too afraid to ask, but now this intense desire to take care of Shaun, to just make him feel good, overrode all that.
Jensen’s hands ran down Shaun’s side, lips trailing down his neck, along his collarbone, “God, you are so fucking hot. Like, unbelievably hot.”
Shaun settled back, forcing himself to take slow, calming breaths, which wasn't easy when Jensen's hands were sliding over his skin and his mouth was dotting kisses over his neck and chest. He chuckled, only to have it cut off suddenly with a surprised moan when his mouth found a sensitive spot. "I'm pasty and freckly, but I'm glad you like it." His hand went up into Jensen's hair and he sighed out with a happy sound, melting into the bed. His voice sounded distracted when he added, "You feel good."
Jensen smiled against Shaun’s skin. He nuzzled a freckle on his ribs, then kissed the spot before glancing up at him again. “So do you,” he quietly told him, his fingers catching on the waist of his boxers. His heart hammered against his chest and he looked up at him, nervously wetting his lips. “Just, um, tell me if I do anything you don’t like, okay?” He really wanted to make sure this was good for him.
Shaun groaned when Jensen spoke, because, fuck, if that wasn't the hottest thing he'd ever heard. "Yeah, okay," he said breathlessly. "Don't worry, though." He couldn't imagine it not feeling good, at least as long as he didn't do any of the obvious things, like use teeth or something. He put his hand through Jensen's short hair, letting it rest at the top of his head while his fingers curled through lazily.
Jensen hummed at the fingers in his hair. “Okay,” he said quietly. He pushed Shaun’s boxers down, fingers fumbling a little, dragging on his skin, pulling them off. His mouth trailed soft kisses along his hip, eyes glancing up at him now and again to see if he liked it, to make sure it was okay. He looked amazing like this, all blissed out and stretched across the bed. “Fuck, you are beautiful,” he murmured and he shifted down to show him just how much he thought so.
Sitting back in his chair, Jensen grinned as 1998 July, Raccoon Forest came up on his computer screen. The words faded onto a dark, cloudy sky and the sound of chopper blades whirring came from his speakers. His grin grew as scene continued with cheesy dialogue and even cheesier acting that finally ended with a cast montage and the title card Resident Evil that was read aloud in an attempt at Spooky Voice by the narrator.
At the sound of the door opening, Jensen’s head swung in its direction with a grin, knowing it was his rooommate. “Hey, man. You need to see this, I’m replaying Resident Evil and, oh my God, I forgot how fucking bad the opening scene is. It’s fucking awesome.”
Shaun smiled and dropped his bag down on the foot of his bed, sitting on the edge as he untied his shoe. "Okay, sure." Toeing off his shoes, he got up and stretched before leaning over the back of his chair. "Start over?" he asked, letting his arms rest over his shoulders, his chin on his elbow, close to Jensen's. He hesitated, not sure if he should, then let his finger run against the side of his neck. "Have a good day?"
The light touch made Jensen smile to himself. It felt nice, even with Shaun’s gloves on, and he really just wanted to close his eyes and lean into it. “Yeah, I did,” he answered as he restarted the game. “Got that English paper back. Jones gave me an A on it. Talked to Jacks. Oh, and I screwed around in the gym for a bit? I floated weights around blindfolded for, like, ten minutes.” He grinned, excited and proud. “I am so fucking Jedi, dude.” Okay, so ten minutes wasn’t really much, especially given what the other students had accomplished, but he’d picked shit up without having to see it and that was pretty awesome to him, ten minutes or not.
Whirring chopper blades came over the speakers again. “I was doing some homework, but I was having trouble concentrating so…” Jensen gestured at the game, then glanced over his shoulder at Shaun. “You?”
"Awesome, great job on the paper," he said, talking quietly next to his ear, grinning at him a little. "And the weights, that's badass. I'd call you Luke but I know how you feel about that."
He slung his arms around Jensen's shoulders, laughing at the video as he pulled off his gloves and dropped them onto Jensen's desk. "Ugh, I had so many tests today. I mean, I feel alright about them? But it still sucked." He hesitated, but then rested his chin on Jensen's shoulder, his arms hanging. "I just want to chill out and never study for anything ever again." He chuckled at some more of the dialogue, then added, "Wow, this is really bad."
Jensen pulled a face at the mention of tests. “Ew. Tests are fucking evil,” he said. “Testing is one of the major problems with the education system.” But then, he sucked at taking tests so he was probably biased. “You’re smart though. I bet you did great.”
“Oh, oh! Watch this part, dude!” Jensen said, patting Shaun’s arm excitedly. “It’s the best.” He laughed as one of the actors picked up a gun attached to a hand that wasn’t attached to anything else and let out a very unconvincing scream-shout of surprise. “Oh my God, the acting is so bad that it’s awesome.”
"Are you sure it's awesome? Because it might just circle back around to awful," he teased, grinning over him. He loved how excited Jensen got about these things, how it was infectious and made him excited about them too.
Once the video was finished, he stood up again, letting his arms go to his shoulders and squeeze them gently. "I'm glad I experienced that at least once in my life," he said, as he flopped onto his bed, moving towards the back to make space, casually inviting. "Are you going to play it now?"
Jensen looked over his shoulder to invite Shaun to play with him, only to immediately change his mind, “Nope. Later.” Definitely later. He x-ed out of the game, closed his laptop, and spun his chair around. Getting up, he crossed the room over to Shaun’s bed and flopped down next to him, stretching slow and with an exaggerated groan. “Hey,” he said after, grinning at him.
Shaun smirked over at him, rolling his eyes playfully at that stretch. "Hey." He propped his head up on his arm, just looking at Jensen for a long moment. They hadn't done this before, not without pot or a small tent in the middle of the woods, and even though he didn't know exactly what to do now, he did want to. He'd been thinking about it ever since he talked to Tessa, and even though this wasn't something they talked about, he didn't want Jensen to think that he was only worth making out with when he was high, or was just some kind of experiment. Whatever the hell they were, he deserved better than that.
Tentatively, he dragged his fingers down his side, over his shirt, then placed the hand on his waist. "How're you?" he asked quietly, rubbing his side through the shirt.
Even with a layer of clothing between them, warmth raced up Jensen’s skin where Shaun was touching him. His heart started to race. They’d never done this before, not without being high or drunk or in the middle of nowhere. He wanted it, he’d thought about it. He didn’t know what that meant exactly, didn’t look at it too closely, but he did know that whatever this was it wouldn’t last long. No one would ever actually want to be with him. So, he wanted to hold onto this, being needed and wanted by him and making him feel good, while he could.
“I’m okay. You?” Jensen’s fingers played with the hem of Shaun’s shirt, heat twisting low and sudden in his stomach when their tips accidentally brushed lightly across bare skin.
Shaun's eyes closed for a moment as Jensen's fingers touched his skin, sending a shiver up his spine."I'm okay," he replied with a small smile as he slipped his hand up his shirt, trailing up his ribs and over his shoulder. His hand lingered over a spot he remembered had been broken early last year from when Tessa showed him his medical records, and he felt a surge of guilt, both from not having said anything and not having done anything about it. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't give it away with it and he was shit with words and feelings, so he just leaned in and kissed him, softer than he ever had before.
A quiet sound, half-surprise and half-enjoyment escaped from Jensen. His fingers slowly curled around Shaun’s shirt, holding onto him, drawing him closer, as his lips parted for his mouth. They had kissed more times than he could count now. Sometimes the kisses had been slow, others fast and hard, but they had never been like this. They had never been so gentle and sweet, like he wasn’t just kissing him, but was kissing him. He found he liked this kind of kiss just as much, if not more, than the others. Because this kiss was just for him, it was all his.
Jensen’s hand slipped under Shaun’s shirt, sliding over the flat of his stomach, his thumb catching on his belly button a moment. His fingers curled against his skin and then slid up further. He wanted to touch him everywhere.
This was...really nice. Really fucking nice. He made a soft sound against Jensen's as his fingers slid over him, muscles jumping as he traced the lines of his stomach. "Tickles," he murmured before wrapping an arm around his shoulders, pushing Jensen so that he was on his back, Shaun lying on top of him, pressed close. Kissing him again softly, he smoothed his hands over his arms, pushing them out above his head.
So, the hands getting pinned above his head thing was hot. Like, really fucking hot. Jensen had no idea how he was going to jerk Shaun off like this, but he so wasn’t complaining either. He was groaning quietly, basically just fucking melting underneath him. He drew a foot up flat on the mattress; his fingers curled, catching on Shaun’s; and he tilted his head to kiss him deeper, wanting to draw this out for as long as he could.
Christ, Shaun had no idea that that Jensen would react like that, or what it would do to him. It felt like there was fire in his gut at the way he went loose under him, and he wanted more of it. He pressed his wrists into the bed harder than he had before, his thumbs pressing into the middle of his palms. "Christ, you are so fucking hot," he whispered against his lips before kissing him again, hard and demanding. His knee hooked under the leg that was left resting against the bed and pushed it to the side, then rested his weight against him, between his legs.
Oh, fuck. Jensen groaned quietly into their kiss, legs falling open. They’d never done anything like this before. Normally it was this hurried rush of kissing and getting pants down, but this was slower and Shaun was telling him he was hot and was pressed tight against him, holding him there. The desperation was still there, but there was less urgency, more surety and he wasn’t sure what was happening, but he liked it. He liked it a fucking lot.
Jensen tugged on the hands that pinned his wrists down, not trying to escape, just testing their grip. His body shifted under Shaun’s, pressing up in towards him. It made their shirts ride up and there was skin against skin and, fuck, he was hot? He didn’t hold a fucking candle to Shaun.
Shaun hummed as their shirts got snagged and pushed up, and he exchanged the grip so that he could hold him there with just one hand so he could run his hand up his side. Christ, his skin was so soft. He'd knew girls were supposed to be soft, but he hadn't really realized that guys would be too, for some reason.
But with how sweet and, fuck, trusting Jensen was being, it only made him feel more guilty. He had to tell him. The whole reason he didn't want to say anything is because he was afraid he'd be mad at him. If he was going to be mad at him, he wouldn't want to do this and, well, that was his fucking right.
With a small, tired sigh, he pulled back a little, stroked the hair from his face. "Jay, I need to talk to you about something."
Worry twisted up in Jensen’s stomach. Anything that started in we need to talk never ended well. This was over. That’s what it had to be. He knew it would happen eventually. Shaun was bored with him, or had realized he could do so much better in his choice of...whatever they were. Shaun’d be nice about it. Of course, he’d be nice about it, he was Shaun. But that didn’t make that didn’t lessen the ache in his chest or make that sickening knot inside his stomach go away.
Jensen sat up, propping himself up with his hands behind him on the bed. He kept his expression easy, relaxed, hiding behind his usual mask of carefree, smart-mouth teenager. “Okay. What’s up?”
Shaun sighed, awkwardly trying to get up after getting displaced. Jensen was good at hiding his feelings, but hell, he lived with him. Besides, when someone's face completely changed after you said 'I need to talk to you', it wasn't exactly a leap to figure out what was going through their head.
He didn't know how to do this, either. Fuck, what was he supposed to say? He'd turned it over in his head constantly since he'd found out, but hadn't really come to a consensus. Maybe all there really was was to come out and say it.
"Jay, I'm sorry, but..I was at the library the other day, and I guess I was radiating some anger or something, because...Tessa came up to me, Jensen." He reached out and awkwardly set his hand on his knee, running his thumb over it as he looked at him carefully. "I know, Jay," he said quietly, squeezing his leg. "I'm sorry."
Jensen’s expression dropped and he looked away as this nauseating mixture of shame and embarrassment and fear rolled through him. What Shaun must think of him... How fucking pathetic he was, this loser whose own parents knew he wasn’t worth anything. And, Jesus, what if he said something? Told someone? He had no reason to keep quiet about it. Oh, God, he’d fucked up so bad.
When Jensen looked back, his face had hardened with anger and stubborn resolution, but, try as he might to hide it from Shaun, there was still an edge of desperateness in his eyes. “She promised she wouldn’t tell anyone,” he said. “I kept my fucking mouth shut and she didn’t say anything. That was the fucking deal. I compromised my fucking morals and--” He stopped short, frustration and anger making the words get all tangled up inside him.
"Hey, hey," Shaun said quickly, trying to calm him down before he lost him. The anger in his face scared him, he'd never seen that look on him before, and it seemed foreign and unnatural. It made him even more scared to say what had happened, but he deserved the truth. Besides, finding out he'd been lied to wasn't likely to do him any favors.
"She stopped me, and I confronted her. I was...I was so fucking angry at her, but I also was scared, Jay. I mean, you flipped the fuck out and then she was blackmailing you? And, fuck, you're seventeen. What the fuck could she have to blackmail you with? I just...I was worried you were in trouble. And you were. Are."
He exhaled slowly, looking away only for a moment to gather himself before holding his gaze. "She gave me a choice, Jensen. She told me that you might hate me for finding out, and I knew you wouldn't want me asking, but I did anyway. I knew that if you were in trouble, I had to find out, and even if you hate me for it, I'm not sorry. I made the right decision." He sat, looking at him, braced for Jensen to yell at him or hit him or something. He almost wished he would, because the alternative in his mind was him staying silent, which he knew would be worse.
Jensen stared at Shaun, silent. He didn’t...he didn’t know what to say. Fuck, it was so much so fast that he could barely wrap his fucking head around any of it. No one outside his sister had ever cared about what happened to him that much before. No one had ever been so worried that they’d do anything to help. No one had ever been afraid he’d hate them before. He looked down at the hand on his knee and his fingers itched to place his own over it. “I don’t hate you.” A small shrug. “I couldn’t. You’re my best friend.”
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.” But especially Shaun. That had been important. Not just for the safety of his sister, but for his own, selfish reasons too--He hadn’t wanted Shaun to see what everyone else saw, see who he really was. “How...how much do you know?”
Relief flooded Shaun, and he couldn't help but let out a small sigh. It was short lived, though, because now he had to do this. "I know someone is hurting you," he said carefully, watching Jensen for any sign of emotion. "I know that you've been going to the hospital several times a year since you were a little kid." He paused as the image of someone hitting a little kid found it's way into his head along with the memory of Jensen curled in the bathroom, yelling for Shaun not to touch him, and he had to suck in a breath through his nose to keep from getting sick. "And I know that it was never the same hospital in the same year. Sometimes they'd take you to one that was so far away, it just...It didn't make sense."
He reached out, gently touching Jensen's elbow, trying to stroke his arm but ready to pull away at the slightest sign of discomfort. "Who's hurting you, Jensen?" he asked, gentle but firm.
Jensen’s gaze dropped from Shaun’s face, focusing on the comforter, then, just barely, at the hand on his elbow, the thumb making gentle, slow passes across his arm. God, how had everything gotten so fucking messed up? Things had been going so fucking well here. He had friends, a best friend, he was passing his classes... No one knew who he was back home. No one knew he was this failure and fuck-up, but now... The truth was out there now. He hadn’t hide it well enough and now God fucking knows what the consequences would be.
“My dad,” Jensen said quietly. “It’s my dad.” It was like a little bit of weight lifted from his chest when he said the words. As frightened as he was, there was something like relief in not having to carry that secret from him anymore.
"That motherfucker. I'm so sorry," he said quietly, and he stroked Jensen's arm until he was holding his hand. Under the concern was rage, so fucking angry that Jensen's father had done this to him, and the wish to go and contract every STD and painful illness so that he could give it to him, leave him in so much fucking pain he wished Shaun would just fucking kill him already.
He put his arm out, offering to pull him in, but not wanting to force it. "Jay, you know this isn't your fault, right? It's not your fault."
It took Jensen a moment to realize Shaun was offering to hug him. He hesitated, unsure, and then was suddenly moving in, his arms going around him in a hug that started out loose, but quickly became tight. His whole body went from rigid to loose against him and he buried his face into his shirt as he just fucking broke. He didn’t answer the question, not trusting his voice and unable to choose between a truth or a lie. Instead, his fingers just curled around Shaun’s shirt, holding on.
Shaun held him tight against him, carding his fingers through his hair as he pressed his head to his chest. Fuck, this was so fucking awful, and he was shit at dealing with things like this. He wished he were better, Jensen deserved to have someone better to talk to about this with.
"Seriously though, Jay. It's not your fault." He kissed the top of his head softly, then tucked his chin against him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
His eyes closed, Jensen soaked up the gentleness like a dry sponge. He stayed still, afraid if he moved it would go away, and he really did not want it to go away. No one had ever been so fucking...fucking tender with him before. No one but his sister and this...this was different. He swallowed, his throat tight with emotion. He shook his head, just a little, and then shrugged. “What’s there to say?” His fingers curled tighter. “He hits me. They hate me.” And it is my fault. You just don’t know it yet.
"They're fucking idiots," he said quietly, kissing his head and his cheek, rubbing between his shoulder blades in slow circles. "Idiots doesn't even cover it. They're...just fucking evil. Anyone who could do that to a child, especially their child, is fucking evil." It was one thing for his parents to just ignore him altogether. If they didn't like him, why the fuck couldn't they just ignore him? It would have been better than this.
He kissed his cheek and below his ear softly, nuzzling the skin there and closing his eyes at the rasp of stubble against his nose. "Would you like me to kill him?" he asked quietly, seriously. "Stage four stomach cancer. No one would know."
For a minute, Jensen seriously considered it. He wanted his dad to suffer. He wanted him to hurt as badly as he’d hurt him every day of fucking his life. And after that, once he couldn’t take any more of it, he wanted him dead so he’d be fucking free of him forever. No more looking over his shoulder, no more carrying any of this. But rationality and the fear that, somehow, Shaun would get caught and pay for it won out.
“My mom doesn’t work, hasn’t ever,” Jensen answered, voice muffled by Shaun’s shirt. He turned his head, resting it against his chest instead. “There’d be no one to support my sister.” And with that said, with that possibility out of his mind, he was able to concentrate on the other thought the offer had brought to the forefront of his mind. Why? Why would Shaun offer to do something like that for him? Why would he risk himself? And he realized he’d do the exact same thing without hesitating if their roles were reversed.
Shaun nodded, just accepting it, because he would never try and convince him. If he did it, it had to be Jensen's choice, and one he wanted readily. It did make all sorts of crazy ideas come into his head though, that they were almost eighteen, that they could do it, even though he knew it was ridiculous even as he thought it. There was just this almost crazed desperation to do something to save his friend that was overwhelming.
"The offer stands if you ever change your mind," he said simply, then curled his fingers through his hair, playing with it as he tried to soothe him. "Jay," he said softly after a few moments, giving him time to recover before probing again. "Do they hurt your sister?"
Jensen pulled away abruptly, sitting back just enough so he could look Shaun in the eye, his hands on his chest, fingers still curled around his shirt. “Do you honestly think he’d be alive if he’d laid so much as a fucking finger on her?” he asked, voice hard. “Like I’d give a single, bare-bones of a fuck if Tessa wanted to turn him in if he was hurting Jacks. They love her. He fucking adores my sister.” He stopped there as if catching himself and his body language changed minutely, some of that anger and stubbornness leaking out. “Thanks though. For asking.” It meant a lot to him that Shaun cared about what happened to her.
Quietly, Jensen cleared his throat and his fingers uncurled just a little, not quite letting go, one hand shifting to toy with the collar of Shaun’s shirt. “Don’t worry, okay? I mean, I’ve made it this long, right? I’ll be alright.”
"I didn't mean it like that," he said quietly, feeling a little hurt, even though he felt totally stupid immediately afterwards. He relaxed from where he'd tensed up, and he put his hand on Jensen's,where he was playing with his shirt. "And I'd be a shitty best friend if I didn't worry about you. I just." He hesitated, then turned his head and kissed his hand a softly. "I just want you to be okay."
Jensen watched Shaun kiss his hand with quiet, almost awed eyes. His hand turned to catch his cheek, fingers curled just a little against it, and he leaned in, kissing him softly on the mouth. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. He just… My dad gets me all worked up.” He tucked hair behind Shaun’s ear and then rested his hand on his shoulder, fingertips just falling over the collar of his shirt. The corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile. “Seriously, don’t worry. I’ll be okay. I’ve got you and Jacks.”
Shaun shook his head, turning his head and giving him another soft peck on his lips. "It's fine. Don't apologize." His hand went up and took the one on his shoulder, kissing it again and turning over in his hand. "Just don't go back, okay? If you need to go see Jacks or something, meet her somewhere or take me with you, okay?" He leaned in and kissed him again, slow and lingering and ran his hand through he hair on his neck. "Just don't go alone, okay?"
“I can’t promise that,” Jensen replied guiltily, genuinely regretting it. He hated that he was disappointing Shaun like this, but he couldn’t lie to him either. “I wish I could. I swear I do, but she’s just a kid. What if she can’t meet me somewhere? What if she needs me? She’s already asked if she’ll see me at all over the holidays. I can’t just not see her.” And bringing Shaun was out of the question. He didn’t want him to see him how everyone else did. He didn’t want him to see how his dad treated him or to realize that maybe…maybe he deserved it. “I’m sorry.”
Shaun clinched his fists and his eyes pricked hot with frustration. "I can't just let you get hurt," he ground out, feeling angry, not at Jensen, but at the situation that felt completely helpless in preventing. "If you go there he'll hurt you, and I just...I can't just sit here knowing that he's hurting you and not do anything." He scrubbed his face, his mind running through situations trying to find some solution that Jensen would agree to. "I can...I can stay in town or something? You could call me if you're in trouble, or Jacks could, and I could come get you?"
He ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up at odd angles. "It's not good for her either, Jensen. Having to see that. That affects people. You have to know that." He hated using it, but it was true, and he seemed to care about her well being over his own.
Guilt shot through Jensen like a punch to the stomach. He looked away, nodding a little. “I do,” he admitted quietly, shame crawling over him. His refusal to not keep her in his life, to not give her up, had been hurting her. She was the only person who had ever loved him and he hadn’t wanted to lose that and he had been selfish. “I do know that.” He was an awful fucking person.
"Hey, hey," he said quickly, sliding his hand into Jensen's hair and pressing a hard kiss to his temple. He could tell that the guilt was hitting him hard, and that was the last thing he wanted. "It's not your fault, it's not your fault," he crooned softly, sweetly, stroking his hand through his hair. He'd never been this sweet with anyone but his sister in his life. "I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just...I don't want you to get hurt." He hugged him closer, kissing his head again.
Jensen let Shaun pull him in, his arms going around him reflexively, grip loose. It was his fault. How could it not be his fault? Everything was. He was the reason his dad hit him, he was the reason his parents hated him, so why wouldn’t this be his fault too? He still closed his eyes though and soaked up Shaun’s reassurances. Even though he knew they weren’t true, just hearing them made this overwhelming feeling of…not relief, but something like it rush over him and he wanted to hold onto that for a little while.
“What if I promise to only go when I know he won’t be around?” Jensen offered. A part of him still didn’t understand why Shaun was so worried. He knew Shaun was his friend, his best friend, but no one had ever cared about him that much before. He couldn’t see why anyone would. “Jacks won’t get hurt and it’ll be safe for me too.”
"That's a good idea." He stroked Jensen's hair and smiled, kissing his head softly. He didn't know how Jensen would manage that or if his father was gone frequently, but it was a start. He kissed him again, sliding his hand down his neck and shoulder. "If you change your mind, Jensen...If you want to report him, or if you ever need help or anything, I'll be there for you, alright?"
He kissed his neck and stroked his back, hugging him closer. "I'm so sorry, Jay."
Jensen exhaled quietly. His hands curled around Shaun’s shirt again just a little, and he nodded. It was hard to pretend everything was a-okay when the truth was so palpably, so fucking nakedly out there, and when Shaun was being so nice to him like this. It was like trying to hold onto wet sand—It kept crumbling and slipping through his fingers. Fuck, he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He felt exposed, stripped down to his bones, and exhausted and that feeling of shame was still crawling around in his belly. He just wanted to forget about it, forget everything, but he didn’t want this, Shaun’s hands and mouth on him, this touching like he was worth handling with care, to go away either.
Tilting his head, Jensen caught Shaun’s mouth in a kiss. Be here for me right now, he wanted to say. I need you. But words like that… Fuck, they were too personal, too intimate, too fucking much, and he couldn’t bring himself to say them. So, he just kissed him, a hand in his hair and the other wrapped around the front of his shirt, holding on.
Fuck, that kiss was so sweet and open, and it made Shaun's chest expand with this warm sort of fondness, the kind where you're pretty sure you'd do anything for someone, without even being asked. He kept him hugged close, kept stroking his back and shoulders, touching him gently through the layer of his shirt. The kiss was really a series of kisses, slow and sweet and content with just staying here for now, giving Jensen time to soak it in.
Jensen’s eyes were closed tight, hand still clenched around the front of Shaun’s shirt, all throughout the soft, gentle, sweet kisses. Soon, slowly, he lay back on the bed, drawing his best friend down with him. His legs shifted, making room so Shaun could lay between them, and his hand shifted to rest on the back of his neck, fingers toying and twirling the dark hair there. He loved this. He’d never said it, wasn’t sure he ever could, but, God, did he ever fucking love this. From Day 1 he had. Having Shaun close, being touched by him and getting to touch him, all the different ways they kissed... It was fucking amazing.
Shaun's stomach flipped and heat curled tight as he settled between Jensen's spread legs, pressed flush against him. "Fuck, baby," he groaned, kissing down to his neck, nuzzling just below his ear. Jensen's hands felt good, soothing after all that stress, and he sighed quietly against his skin. God, this felt good. His hands smoothed down his sides, slipping under his shirt and tracing over his stomach gently. "This feel good?"
Jensen hummed an assent, tilting his head to expose more of his neck to Shaun’s mouth. The muscles in his stomach jumped under his touch, his skin prickled with warmth. Always, he wanted to say. It always felt good and he always never wanted it to fucking end. He felt good and he felt wanted and this, right here with Shaun, was the only time he ever felt either of those things.
His free hand tugged up the hem of Shaun’s shirt and his fingers slid over his side, across the small of his back, tracing nonsense shapes over his skin. “Does this?” He turned his head, murmuring a quiet, “I want to make you feel good too,” before catching Shaun’s earlobe in his mouth and sucking. He wanted to make Shaun feel just as good and just as wanted. He wanted that more than anything.
"Yeah," he groaned, turning his head in towards his mouth and closing his eyes with a hum. "You do."
He worked his shirt off, tossing it aside before carefully removing his glasses too, folding them and setting them on the edge of his nightstand. Then he was back, kissing down his neck, his shoulders and his chest, moving quick without seeming hurried. Hands slid down his sides and thighs, gripping them and hitching them up, until he was flush against his ass. Hands slid up again smoothly, under his waist and shoulders, gripping and holding him firmly as he rolled his hips against him, glancing up to see his face as he kissed his chest.
Jensen’s head dropped back on the mattress, eyes closed as a surprised moan was pulled from him. “Oh, fuck,” he breathed, voice quiet and rough. “Fuck, Shaun.” That was hot and felt good and was crazy close to a fantasy he’d had more than a few times now. He reached down, fingers just barely catching on Shaun’s shirt. He curled them, gathering the material, bunching it up, pulling it as far as he could. Tugging it off, fina-fucking-ly, he tossed it over the edge of the bed. He laughed at the sight of Shaun’s mussed hair and, grinning, ran his hand through it.
It caught Shaun off guard how quickly Jensen went from that rough sound tone to laughter, and there was something warm and sweet in it that made his chest swell. He moved back up him and smiled against his lips as he kissed him again, his hand sliding up through his hair, nails scraping lightly against his scalp. Fuck, they really didn’t spend enough time kissing, in their usual rush for belts before someone chickened out. Kissing, he decided, was really fucking nice.
He pulled up a little without actually pulling away, like he didn’t want to stop kissing even as he asked, “Can I take your jeans off?” That was something they’d never managed to do before, too.
Jensen’s breath caught in his throat, his heart picking up speed. He swallowed, “Yeah,” and nodded, nervously wetting his lips, “Um, yeah, if you want to.” His fingers touched Shaun’s neck lightly, then slid along to the back of it, pressing more firmly, drawing him in for another kiss. Fuck, he could—Yeah, he could easily do this forever. Kissing Shaun was awesome and, God, he was pressed right up against him. Bare chest to bare chest, hips lined up, and Shaun’s hands were in his hair. How was it they’d jerked each other off and he’d never felt this fucking close to him before?
He pulled away without actually pulling away like Shaun had done, not wanting to stop kissing him. “Can I take yours off too?” he asked, nervous, and kissed the corner of his mouth.
Shaun made an assenting noise as he kissed Jensen back, his hands going down to his waist, slowly undoing his belt, his fly, and then he was leaning up, taking his pants with him. It didn't take him long to tug them over his feet,and he swallowed as he glanced over him, sliding his hands down the sides of his legs. He leaned down to kiss the side of one knee before going up again and kissing him slowly, trying to help hi keep from feeling nervous.
Jensen was nervous. Shaun had seen him in his boxers before, but this was different. This was beyond fucking different. It had his heart slamming against his ribcage and his stomach in these knots that an indiscernible mess of anxiety and excitement. As they kissed, his hands slid down Shaun, searching, stopping only when his fingers bumped against the waist of his pants. He found his belt buckle, fumbling a little, but getting it undone relatively easily. Tilting his head with a soft sound, he caught Shaun’s bottom lip as he went for his fly.
Even though he was trying not to show it, Shaun was just as nervous as Jensen was, to the point where he was sure that Jensen could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He let out a quiet groan when he caught his lip, because it felt good and he liked how soft everything was. This wasn't supposed to be hotter than the rushed times, if porn and romance novels were anything to go by, but...it was. It was exciting and it felt like it meant something, that even if they didn't feel anything romantic, that they cared about each other.
Once Jensen got his fly undone, he tried to help him get them off, laughing as he shoved his knee into Jensen's thigh. "Sorry," he laughed quietly as he kicked them off, and kissed his neck.
Jensen laughed too, “It’s okay. You missed the important stuff.” He cupped Shaun’s face, bringing him in for a kiss, and rolled them over. A hand slid down Shaun’s chest, over the bumps of his ribs and the flat of his stomach, toying briefly with the band of his underwear before sliding back up. “So, um, no pressure or anything and I won’t be offended if you say no, but, um, what would you say if I said I wanted to go down on you?”
Shaun swallowed hard when Jensen flipped him over because, yeah, that was kind of hot too. He was about to tease him about it, but then that question was asked and everything just left his mind. He gaped for just a second, because, well, fuck, but quickly realized he looked like an idiot and shut his mouth. "Seriously?" he asked, and there was this fluttering feeling that was taking over his stomach. "Yeah, totally. I mean, if you want to, yeah. That'd be awesome." He made a face and actually flushed. Really? Awesome? "Yeah."
A grin overtook Jensen. He was relieved that Shaun wasn’t freaked out and that reaction? Fucking adorable. He’d never gotten him flustered before. “I really want to,” he told him and then kissed him, heart racing, stomach in nervous knots of excited anticipation. He’d wanted to do this for awhile, but he’d always been too afraid to ask, but now this intense desire to take care of Shaun, to just make him feel good, overrode all that.
Jensen’s hands ran down Shaun’s side, lips trailing down his neck, along his collarbone, “God, you are so fucking hot. Like, unbelievably hot.”
Shaun settled back, forcing himself to take slow, calming breaths, which wasn't easy when Jensen's hands were sliding over his skin and his mouth was dotting kisses over his neck and chest. He chuckled, only to have it cut off suddenly with a surprised moan when his mouth found a sensitive spot. "I'm pasty and freckly, but I'm glad you like it." His hand went up into Jensen's hair and he sighed out with a happy sound, melting into the bed. His voice sounded distracted when he added, "You feel good."
Jensen smiled against Shaun’s skin. He nuzzled a freckle on his ribs, then kissed the spot before glancing up at him again. “So do you,” he quietly told him, his fingers catching on the waist of his boxers. His heart hammered against his chest and he looked up at him, nervously wetting his lips. “Just, um, tell me if I do anything you don’t like, okay?” He really wanted to make sure this was good for him.
Shaun groaned when Jensen spoke, because, fuck, if that wasn't the hottest thing he'd ever heard. "Yeah, okay," he said breathlessly. "Don't worry, though." He couldn't imagine it not feeling good, at least as long as he didn't do any of the obvious things, like use teeth or something. He put his hand through Jensen's short hair, letting it rest at the top of his head while his fingers curled through lazily.
Jensen hummed at the fingers in his hair. “Okay,” he said quietly. He pushed Shaun’s boxers down, fingers fumbling a little, dragging on his skin, pulling them off. His mouth trailed soft kisses along his hip, eyes glancing up at him now and again to see if he liked it, to make sure it was okay. He looked amazing like this, all blissed out and stretched across the bed. “Fuck, you are beautiful,” he murmured and he shifted down to show him just how much he thought so.
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Date: 2013-12-29 01:20 am (UTC)(yeah i'm commenting on my own post WHATEVER)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 02:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 02:42 am (UTC)But for now, she just approves. >.>
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Date: 2013-12-29 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 03:10 am (UTC)Though I can't imaging Tessa being that kind. It's be more like falling down an elevator shaft into a pool of spikes and small but extremely hungry sharks. Which was then fired into low orbit and blown up.
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Date: 2013-12-29 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-29 03:00 am (UTC)