Sirius and Jay, backdated to June 25th

[om_padfoot]

Sirius is packing for their trip to the UK and Jay can't do it anymore.


Warning: Sirius briefly misreads the situation as a suicide attempt, also you get a glimpse at some of the screwed up logic/behaviour Sirius still has from his abusive parents.



In his own room, Sirius was finishing packing his second suitcase. Hey, he was gonna be filming a new show ok? He needed outfit choices. He been sending Jay photos of outfit choices and still there'd been no reply though which, after an hour, was just strange. Jay never waited that long to reply.
Instead of texting more, Sirius headed down the hall with an armful of skirts and jeans.

Jay barely looked up when the door opened. "I can't go."

"What? What are you talking about?" Sirius dumped his clothes on what was once Jamie's bed. "Did Joe change his mind about the time off?"

"No. No. I--" Jay sucked in a breath through his teeth. His fingers tightened on his hair. "I can't do this anymore," he said, voice cracking.

Sirius came over and sit on the bed with Jay, honestly scared. Ok, good, he couldn't see empty pill bottles so that was a sign at least. "Can't do what baby?" He reached out to take Jay's hand.

Jay shied his hand away. "This. I can't go to England, I can't...this isn't working. Us. I thought I could, but..."

Sirius felt like he'd been hit with a ton of bricks "Wh-what?"

"I've been trying so hard...trying all year." For a moment, he had to crush his teeth together and swallow a sob. "I thought I could be ok not being the boyfriend. But I can't. I'm not."

Seeing Jay so upset was hard, knowing he'd caused it was worse. "Baby, no please. I swear, I'm not stringing you along, I'm not. I told you, I had a big surprise for after we land. I wanted to make it special coz I know I haven't made things easy for you."

Jay ran his hands over his face, trying to rub some wakefulness into his skin. "I'm tired. I'm so tired, Sirius. I did just what I wasn't supposed to. I went too fast and too far and it's not right to exhort something out of you. Especially now. You're...free. You can forget this place and go on with the life you like."

"No, no Jay listen to me please." Jay didn't seem to be listening or getting it though. Sirius took a deep breath and blurted out "Joshua Guthrie, you listen to me right now! I want you to be my boyfriend! That's what my big surprise for you was!"

Jay looked up for the first time, hazy and red eyed. "I don't understand."

"You, me, go steady, boyfriends. Exclusive. You and me." Sirius took his hands "I wanted to do it all romantic and big and over the top and everything you deserve but, well, needs must. So how about it?"

Jay, crying quietly, fell over onto his side.

"Ok...not the response I was hoping for." Sirius murmured, moving closer "Jay?"

"Why now?" Jay wiped his face on his arm, though he kept weeping anyway. "It took me so long...and it was so hard, and it hurt, and it was so hard to face up that I wasn't...that I couldn't go along anymore. And now you're ready."

"I was scared, so scared of what I was feeling for you and for a while my stupid reaction was to not acknowledge it or admit it but that got harder and harder and it's just gotten more and more obvious to me that I shouldn't be scared, I should've done it months ago and then I felt so bad about what I put you through to get here that I thought just asking, just telling, well it wouldn't be enough. I thought I needed to do something big and romantic and unforgettable to show you how much you mean to me. Coz I got a lot of making up to do, I know that I do, and, if you're willing, I wanna start right now."

Heedless of the sloppy mess that he was, Jay flung his arms around Sirius and buried his face in his side. "I'm scared." He had never wanted it to come to this, and the great steeling of nerves and then the crash of confusion and relief had left Jay quite out of control of his own faculties. "I don't want you to leave me."

They were teenagers, Sirius couldn't realistically promise 'never ever' but he could say "Not planning to, it's you and me all the way. How's that sound?" He wrapped his arms around Jay tight, feeling even worse about himself. He'd caused this. He'd done this to Jay.

"I'm so insecure," Jay laughed, miserably. He wiped at his cheeks again. "But I've wanted you so much, and..."

"And I've put you through hell, I know, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He helped wipe the tears away gently.

"I'm angry, too." Sniffling, face red and puffy, Jay looked very much like a child. "Is it ok to say yes, I blame you, for just one day? I'll go back to forgiving tomorrow, promise."

"You can even hit me if you wanna, I deserve it." Sirius kissed his forehead softly. "I'm an idiot and I nearly waited too long, I'm sorry."

"I would never do that, dumbass," Jay said. He had settled into a tired pout.

"Ok, verbally abuse me, whatever you need. And I am dumb, I agree. Shouldn't have let this go so far, I'm so sorry." He stroked Jay's cheek again gently.

"I'm just mad. I can't believe..." Jay rolled his lip between his teeth. He was boiling with questions he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answers to.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said again, aware that it might be losing some of it's meaning with every repetition. So he fell quiet, bracing himself for some kind of punishment.

Jay just hugged him tighter, squishing the two of them together hard. "Better be," he mumbled, petulantly.

It hurt a little but Sirius didn't dare complain. He did however, remind softly "You never answered when I asked if you want to be boyfriends."

"Yes I do. Of course I do. And I'll be very, very happy about it sometime at least a couple of hours from now."

Sirius smiled a little bit. "Be mad at me for as long as you need. I will lavish gifts upon you, give orgasms on demand and anything else you wish for." He kissed Jay's cheek softly. "And we'll still do my romantic day for you too, I just gotta figure out a new dramatic climax."

Crabby Jay had a suggestion about that, which he'd decided he'd better keep to himself. "You don't have to prostrate yourself forever," he sighed, peeling himself away. His bags were only half packed, and there was still a plane to catch. "Though to be honest, considering that I'm crabby and afraid of airplanes, maybe this afternoon will be 'punishment' enough."

"It hardly even feels like a plane, I'll be with you to help you relax." Sirius promised before adding "That wasn't me prostrating, that's just what I intend to do now you're all mine."

"Now that you're all mine, you mean," Jay pointed out. He was beginning to warm up to the idea, though he couldn't quite shake off all that grouch.

"Exactly, just don't brand me just yet." Sirius teased, he understood the need for anger but he did hope to see at least a glimmer of smile. "I'll finish packing for you soon, ok?" Once Jay was happy to let him go, of course.
A sudden thought had him offer "You want me to make it facebook official so everyone knows?" His facebook was open to fans and media, it was the biggest gesture to prove he really meant what he was saying in that moment.

Jay's ear practically twitched. "Facebook? That's kinda a big deal." He was raised on a small ration of slow internet, and sometimes Jay didn't really understand the online culture. But there was no denying that a celebrity making something publicly official like that was no small move.

"Yeah, well, say the word and I'll change it. Just tell anyone you wanna tell yourself first, yeah? You know how fast this shit travels." One post or tweet throwing a little bit of shade could spawn 15 articles (at least) in as many minutes so Sirius Black's FB relationship status changing for the first time ever? Big news.

Jay put his head back into Sirius' lap. "Change it. And then feed me bonbons," he said, putting his pouting face back on.

"Your wish is my command." Sirius stroked Jay's long hair tenderly, twisting and playing with it as with the other hand he opened his facebook app on his phone to change the status as promised.

Jay finished shooting off a text to his younger sisters, and settled in to watch the big moment. "Tilt it down more," he said, craning to get a good angle on the phone screen.

"Yes Sir," Was smirked back as he complied. A few more buttons and the screen read: change status to in a relationship with Jay Guthrie. Underneath there was a confirm or cancel choice.

"Wanna do the honours?"

"No. You do it." Jay was buzzing with nervous joy.

"Drum roll please," He joked before pressing confirm.

Jay obligingly rolled his tongue to make the drumroll, and it crescendoed into a delighted squeal as their relationship was sent whirling through cyberspace. He buried his head in Sirius' side.

"How're you feeling now?" Sirius asked softly, a slight tinge of nerves in his voice but mostly he just sounded happy.

"Better," Jay admitted reluctantly.

"Am I allowed to kiss you on the mouth or do you still need some angry time? It's ok if you do." Because, quite frankly, things had been bottled up and surpressed for too long with them and even if it was bad feelings, it was better to just let them out really, wasn't it?

Jay sighed and flopped dramatically onto his back. "I don't know. I guess I'm ok."

"The offer to hit me stills stands if you need." His phone was already pinging away with notifications so he flicked it to silent. Jay was his focus in that moment.

"Never, Siri. I would never do that." Jay touched the other boy's face with careful delicacy.

"You're pissed at me, it might make you feel better that's all." He shrugged and wasn't going to push the subject. It wasn't like he wanted to be hit or nothing.

"That's not how it works with nice people, baby," he sighed. His phone was going off in the corner, peeping like a baby chick. "Come here, you brat. I love you." Jay bundled Sirius jealously into a bear hug.

Sirius hugged back, laughing briefly when he got a face full of feathers.

"I...love you too." He said it slowly, almost trying out the words to see how it fit. It wasn't that he didn't mean it but he'd just never said it to Jay. Barring a few drunk episodes he'd pretended to forget afterwards, of course.

Jay felt his scratchy eyes well up again. "Thank you. Thank you." His poor little heart was pinging from ceiling to floor.

"'M sorry for putting you through so much. Really sorry." He repeated again.

"Let's just make it worth it now." Jay sniffled and turned his messy face a bit away from Sirius' pretty hair.

"I'll make London amazing...even if we are gonna be filming in a dog shelter for most of it." He promised, arms still around him tight.

"You're gonna be too busy in puppy heaven to have much time for little old me."

"Nuh uh, you'll be right there with me. We are gonna have a great summer. Together." Sirius corrected firmly. "Whilst, yeah, in puppy heaven."

"Starting with a surprise night that I totally ruined."

"It'll still be amazing, have faith in me."

"I do." Right now, he had an abundance of it. His faith had been well placed, and would only grow, he was sure.

"You mad, mad fool." Sirius joked playfully, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"You're totally right about that." Jay settled back at arm's length from his new boyfriend. "So you're going to tell me about all these spectacular romantic 'plans' now, right?"

Sirius shook his head, smirking "It's a surprise." He insisted

Jay made his best puppy face. He even pawed at Sirius' leg.

Laughing he told him, "No, no, you've already got the biggest secret! You gotta wait til we get to London now. And Padfoot totally doesn't do that, ok?"

"Padfoot so does that." Jay stole a kiss. "And how are you going to keep a secret with me begging the whole plane ride?"

"Easy, I'll distract you by making you a member of the mile high club." Sirius smirked back wickedly.

Jay's face whitened. "No, we can't do that..." He knew it was completely irrational, but he imagined somehow dying from it, like straining his heart at high altitudes or something would be the end of him. Poor Sirius. It really was going to be a long day--Jay was discovering he was even more nervous about the airplane than he'd thought.

"Baby, I told you, the plane is completely safe." He kissed the other boy softly. "And the pilots are awesome, you wanna meet them first? Would that ease your mind?"

"I don't see how I can trust a big heavy hunk of metal being 'flown' by someone who doesn't even know what it feels like." Jay cuddled up to his boyfriend rather piteously. "At least if we start to go down I can grab you and we'll escape out the hatch."

Sirius wrapped his arms back around him tight. "I fly all the time darling, it will be fine I promise you. You trust me, don't you?"

"I do." He wasn't happy to have to admit it, now that the subject was his own irrational fears with which he was not yet ready to part.

"Then know that I wouldn't fly and especially wouldn't ask you to fly with me if I didn't think it was completely safe."

"Fine," Jay huffed. It was a conversation they'd had a few times, but Jay wasn't going to be completely convinced until they got up there.

Seeing he wasn't getting anywhere, Sirius asked instead "Can I do anything to help?"

"Well...I kind of packed and unpacked like twice. At this point, just everything that you see that can be stuffed into the suitcase...do it." Jay, relieved, got up to start stuffing clothes back in.

"How about we fold them first, eh?" He suggested gently as he took started sorting the items Jay was just stuffing in.

"Folding is good," Jay agreed, meekly. Normally he didn't bother. But he didn't want to look like too much of a slob in front of his new boyfriend.

Sirius lent over and kissed him, long and slow. Jay was too tense for his liking.
"It just helps fit more things in, that's all." He explained in what he hoped was a soft, reassuring voice.

Jay rubbed his face, trying to invigorate himself. "Sorry. I'm." He shook his head. "I can't focus."

"Wanna tell me about it?" Siri asked softly, taking his hand and squeezing it.

"It's nothing. That was all just really intense, y'know?"

"I know darling, I'm sorry I let it get that far. When I decided I wanted to go for it, I just thought you deserved something speacial as a thank you for all your patience with me." His mutation did make me sensitive to human emotions, yes, but Jay suffered from depression and he'd learnt not to take every emotion personally, unfortunately as much as he'd tried to help he hadn't realised he WAS the cause this time. "I was an idiot, I know."

Jay shook his head again, and reached up to flick a stray strand of hair out of his face. "I don't know if you were an idiot, but it's like. You had--have every right to be unsure or slow or reserved or whatever. You did you. And it's just. Both of us have to accept that, whatever it means."

"But I know what I want now and, hell, if I didn't before you dumping me just now really confirmed it. I want to be with you, I want to be your boyfriend. So long as you want it too."

Jay squeezed Sirius' hand, returning his reassurance. "I do. And I won't even be mad much longer." Sure, maybe it would take some calls to his therapist to totally purge, but he could already feel that most of the heat had dissipated. "Happiness is gonna win out."

"I'm glad." He slowly release the hand to start packing for Jay again.

"Ok," Jay sighed, standing. He was ready to get serious. "Let's get this finished. It's not like the plane's going to wait on us."

"It's a chartered company plane specifically for us. It would wait. We'd make
lost of people very grumpy but it would wait." He lightly bumped his hip to Jay's, aiming for a smile.

"I want to be the grumpiest passenger, so we should try to be on time," Jay answered, with a bit of a grin.

"You won't be grumpy too long with me there." Sirius told him comfoidently before motioning to Jamie's old desk "I actually came in to see which skirts you thought I should take. I'm thinking I might travel in the little black one." Which happened to be Jay's favourite on him, strategic dressing? Totally.

"Won't that be majorly uncomfortable?" Not that Jay had any parallel experiences, but he imagined that a transatlantic flight wearing a dress sounded like a nightmare.

"Skinny jeans are worse, so hard to get comfortable. I thought you liked the skirts? Or at least the easy access they allow you." Siri smirked a little as he said that last bit.

Jay blushed. "I do..."

"You're cute like that."

"Easy embarrassment is one of my best features."

"Weeeell, I'm not sure about best but it is adorable." Sirius smiled wide before asking "Should I let you be to pack or am I actually helping for once?”

"I'm too old to need help folding my clothes, but I do anyway." Jay, in fact, was having to shake out a shirt and make another attempt at folding it properly. "So thank you, yes, the help is great."

"Well, I only know how because Mum was horrified at how James and me were packing to go to school," 'Mum' obvious being Mrs Potter. "Beside this is more fun because I can do this," He quickly stole a kiss "Whenever I want. With your permission of course."

Jay rested his face on the shirt he was holding like a pillow, with a dreamy smile on his face. "Whenever you want," he agreed.


Chuckling, Sirius beamed "Lucky, lucky me,"

"Lucky, lucky you," Jay murmured, and leaned in for another kiss.