Josh & Kevin; this afternoon
Sep. 15th, 2013 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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om_mainSome interesting discoveries are made in regards to how the Life Touch and the Death Touch have been affecting the boys recently. It prompts Kevin to make some further admissions about why he'd been withdrawn last month.
Warning: references to suicide and self harm, as well as major depressive episodes.
Deciding to branch away from his room today, Kevin actually went to seek Josh out downstairs. He wanted to talk to him about a few things, and at the same time prove he was trying to feel better about things again. Sighing, he stepped into the lab, hoping that Josh would think it was some big deal that he was down here again. He hadn't been down here in over a month, so that was something, right?
"Hi," he greeted, folding his arms as he saw his boyfriend. "Are you busy?"
Actually, Josh was surprised to see Kevin down in the lab, and it showed on his face for a very brief moment. However, he quickly shook it away and brought his gaze back down to his sample matter he was working on. It could wait. "No, not really. I'm just experimenting, I guess. What's up?"
Hopefully it was nothing bad. Kevin had been upset enough lately and Josh really didn't want to see him have to go through an added something else on top of the rest. The healer had been legitimately concerned about him pretty much all summer long!
Kevin hadn't been in a good place the last while, no. The amount he'd thought of death and taking his own life in the past few weeks was almost kind of scary to him, but he wouldn't dare share that with anyone. Especially not Josh. "Nothing really. Just wanted to talk to you about some stuff."
He gestured over to the table. "I was thinking, um, I could start working on my powers again this week with you. If you're still up for that."
If he wasn't, Kevin would understand. It wasn't like he was worth anyone's time to begin with, and he hadn't been making an effort for awhile now.
The answer brought a warm smile to Josh's face, and he returned to his work bench to sit down. There was a stool next to him, cool and unoccupied, and he kicked it out as an invitation for Kevin to come and sit with him. The expression on Josh's face was bright and hopeful, clearly indicating to Kevin that he was all for the idea.
"'Course I am. I bet Moira will be happy to see you back and at it again, too," Josh said. "Wanna start slowly or just get right back to where we left off?"
"Slow. I haven't practiced in awhile, and I don't want to get frustrated again," Kevin explained, and took the seat. Yeah, like he needed that to happen--they both knew how miserable he got when he was frustrated. "Moira's probably pissed at me."
She probably thought he just gave up, or something. Not that Kevin wasn't constantly tempted to, but still.
"Nah, Moira's cool; I wouldn't worry about her, and she knows what you're like anyway," Josh teased, and nudged Kevin in the side. "But cool. Did you want to start today?"
"We can," Kevin spoke with a nod. He had something on his mind that he wanted to ask Josh, too, but he didn't want to make it seems stupid or lame. He just had to figure out how to do it without feeling like a massive tool. "Something small and slow. I don't want to push it on the first day, either."
He gestured to the table. "What were you doing before I came?"
"Sometimes Moira gives me samples of tissues and other things to look at or manipulate. Things I'm guessing that she's already done with or studied. Probably wants to see if I can get the same results she did," Josh commented with just the slightest amusement before he got up to tuck all of that away. The tasks he got were not things he felt that anyone else would find interesting, if only because they couldn't understand the way Josh observed, manipulated, and sensed the things he studied on a physical level. Simon could, he was sure, but that wasn't everyone.
"It's boring. I can get us a plant to work with, if you want? Something big with lots of leaves?" Plants were easy and weren't hurting anything, and Josh liked to try and figure out the organic matter of them, anyway. Their genetic makeup was different enough from animal to provide him more of a challenge--especially after it was decayed by Kevin.
"Okay, sure," Kevin nodded. Touching plants didn't bother him so much, and it could take away the hunger that he felt due to his abilities. Though, to be honest, even if for some reason he ever did get control, he knew he wouldn't be able to touch animals or people with his bare hands, save for the people he knew he couldn't hurt. Kevin had so many psychological problems with his abilities that he knew if he had control of them this very second, he would still feel the need to take every precaution. His skin was a poison, and it'd be very hard to break out of that mindset. Kevin would be far too terrified to even try living differently, because all he'd think about was what happened to his dad, and how it could happen to someone else.
"You know...withering plants helps with how my powers make me feel sometimes," he admitted as he began taking his gloves off. "I noticed that when I stopped doing it last month."
Josh pursed his lips together as he set down a tulip plant in front of them. "Your powers were feeling worse when you weren't practicing?"
Somehow, he wasn't surprised. Sometimes Josh felt like his powers felt itchy and intensified when he wasn't using them regularly---or even when he just hadn't been touching Kevin much. When they were together his powers were always on and learning to adapt to Kevin's---thrive off of them, even. All this time he'd spent learning not to be harmed by them was beginning to turn into needing to be touched by Kevin's powers. It was weird. Though, perhaps, Kevin felt some kind of relief by Josh's powers too since the urge to ash him shouldn't have been felt. Maybe it was worth finally discussing.
When Josh touched Kevin, all of that hunger disappeared. It was probably the only time where Kevin felt like he was actually an okay person without horrible thoughts. Josh's touch was the greatest source of relief for him, and he sometimes felt guilty that he gave into it so much. Not touching Josh made him feel like shit and not using his powers at all made him feel like shit, so when he really wanted to inflict some kind of pain within himself, he didn't allow himself to touch anything with his bare hands. Not plants, not the grass, not Josh and not even paper. Kevin had a perfect way of making himself feel the absolute worst, and it kind of felt like a form of self harm to him. Maybe the pain wasn't visible to anyone else, but it was there, and he could feel it. Kevin did not at all have any healthy coping techniques.
"Yeah, I feel like shit if I don't use them in some way," Kevin spoke slowly, and leaned over to study that plant. Already, he could feel himself itching to touch it. At that feeling, Kevin looked down at his bare hand, and stared a little coldly at it. "And when I touch you, the feeling shuts off completely. It's weird, kinda like you push it away."
He shrugged, and glanced over at Josh. "It is what it is."
The entire explanation made Josh's chest feel tight and his stomach flop. It was exactly as he had suspected, then, and he found that both relieving and terrifying. On one hand, it was nice to know that he could give Kevin some sort of normalcy. The other boy always seemed to feel like a prisoner trapped in his own skin, and that feeling must have been utterly crushing. On the other hand, it was overwhelming to know that their powers were having this kind of effect on each other. Touch was relief, freedom, intensity, safety, and...addicting. Addiction could lead to dependence and sometimes that was viewed as wrong. That it wasn't okay to have to rely on someone else.
Part of Josh wanted to run away from that, but another part of him really wanted to just give in. He bit his lip hard as he fought it, but still had to ask the question that had been burning in him since the middle of summer. "Why did you keep away from me, then?"
Kevin bit his lip, and looked down at the table, pressing the tips of his fingers against the metal. He knew very well why he hadn't let Josh touch him, and why he hadn't used his powers on top of that. He needed the pain, and he deserved it even more. The idea of using his powers and actually feeling relief while the anniversary of his father's death passed honestly made Kevin feel sick. He didn't deserve to be happy, and he especially didn't deserve it when he felt like shit. When he felt like shit, he needed to be lonely, fucked up and sad. He didn't deserve to be doing something that made him feel good when his dad was fucking dead.
That was just the way things were. Kevin was what he was, and there was no changing it.
"Because I didn't want to feel good," Kevin admitted lowly. "Because I murdered my dad just over a year ago, and I didn't deserve to feel better about it. Killers don't have that privilege, they just get guilt."
That was bullshit. There was so much wrong with that line of thinking that Josh just wanted to flip the table over and scream in Kevin's face until he fucking understood that this wasn't his fault---that he couldn't keep blaming himself. However, Josh was also really beginning to learn in these past twelve months that there was no logic in depression. Kevin couldn't be fixed by logic and he couldn't be fixed by anyone but himself.
So instead of contemplating that ragey fantasy, Josh let out a low breath and reeled himself back in. They would never stop having this discussion, and he knew it.
Josh crept his hand over to attempt to touch Kevin's hand.
And just like that, the itch to use his powers fluttered away so easily. Kevin couldn't help but stare down at their hands, unable to help how pathetic he felt right then about everything he just admitted. His face felt hot, and there was a churn in his stomach. Chewing his lip, he turned his hand so he could entwine his fingers with Josh's tightly.
Sometimes he had no idea why Josh didn't see what a piece of shit person he was, but then sometimes he was really glad that Josh didn't. Today was a being glad day, it seemed.
"What do my powers make you feel like?" Kevin asked slowly, gaze not tearing away from their hands. "Now that it's been awhile, I mean."
"It hurts not to touch you," Josh admitted with a small frown, eyes glued on their hands rather than Kevin's face. The contact made Josh glow, like normal, but it was also relaxing him right then. "Not pain and not really anxiety--it's hard to explain. All this time I figured that I was just getting stronger and less tired, but maybe my powers were adapting to yours. Or learning to click with them or...feed off of them, or something. Probably that last one."
He shifted uncomfortably. "Do you think that's fucked?"
It was probably kind of fucked, but Kevin knew how Josh's powers made him feel was pretty fucked, too. If anyone else heard this conversation, they would be mildly concerned. Despite all of this, Kevin felt kind of relieved that he wasn't the only one strangely affected by their touching.
"I don't know, maybe both of our powers are a little fucked up that way," Kevin admitted slowly, running his thumb over one of Josh's knuckles. "But it's not like you can do anything about it, right? Unless...unless you don't want to touch me anymore and go back to how you were before. If it's even possible."
Saying that filled Kevin with so much anxiety and fear that Josh would agree to that, but he felt he had to put it out there. It was only fair, right? Fuck, his powers were so stupid and he hated himself so much right now. If he just had fucking good powers that didn't suck Josh probably wouldn't be so affected by them.
"Does it make you miserable, that feeling they give you?"
"No. Nothing like that at all." Josh's voice was soft and the look on his face, though he was still not looking at Kevin, suggested that he was putting a lot of thought into his words right then. A rare occurrence, that was.
The truth was, Josh hadn't felt any actual pain or irritation at not touching Kevin or using his powers in that way--it was simply discomfort and intense longing. It was a true and completely physical reaction, and Josh wasn't sure how much of it was exaggerated by the feelings he had for Kevin emotionally. Stupid feelings always made things just that much more complicated, fuck, but the flare of intensity the other boy gave his powers could no longer be ignored.
The potential for it to grow was there, however. Josh had to realise that.
Though it was just a generally good and soothing feeling to touch, and that was that. As Kevin said...it was what it was. Running away from it would be painful. "And don't fucking ask me to go back to how it was before. Even if I said I wanted to, it would be crap. I couldn't fucking do it!"
Which was admitted with an air of defeat, leaving Josh feeling rather exposed and vulnerable in front of Kevin at present.
"I don't want you to. I just wanted to, you know, give you the option," Kevin admitted with a frown. He felt so exposed and revealed right then that he almost wanted to pull away because Josh could probably feel that. However, he just swallowed, and tried to force those anxious feelings away. Not that it was working, but he still fucking tried.
Goddammit. This whole conversation had pulled these insanely personal things out from both of them, and it was so fucking hard.
"I guess our powers are just fucked up together," Kevin said slowly, looking at the glow of Josh's skin. "I wonder if it'll ever change. You know, if I ever got control of my powers."
Josh felt the anxiety, and he pulled away because of it. He may have been a body reader, but he was not a mind reader and the last thing he wanted was to be a source of panic to Kevin. Indulging himself in a touch may have been enough for now, Josh thought. Instead, he tugged the tulips over.
"We don't know the full extent of your powers yet. It might not change, but it might..." Josh shrugged a little, and then turned his head to finally look Kevin in the eye. "Guess we better work at it if we wanna find out."
"Yeah," Kevin agreed, and after watching Josh for a moment, he stared down at his own hand. He could feel the surge of his power already coming back--that need to use it, and he decided that the only time he didn't feel like a monster was when Josh was touching him. Maybe it was because of Josh's powers with a mix of the fact he knew Josh loved him. Kevin wasn't all that sure, to be honest, but he couldn't stop thinking about it now. He actually needed Josh to feel okay, didn't he?
That was scary.
He reached forward, and touched one of the tulip leaves, still frowning as he watched it wither. He pulled back quickly, and sighed as he looked down at that crumbled leaf. Here it was, Kevin Ford the bringer of death and decay. The murderer of both his parents, and the chicken shit too scared to off himself and spare the world that last bit of pain. He stared at that flower, and just like that, his death vision clicked on, making him see nothing but decay before him.
"Are you freaked out by all of this?" he asked softly as he kept his gaze focused on the flower, and forced himself not to look away.
Josh watched the leaves crumble to ash, falling in a pile around the thickest stem of the plant. Just seeing it made Josh's fingers begin to itch, the urge to bring it all back happening through his body. It would be a lie to say that watching all of that beautiful life withering away to horrid decay didn't bother him or freak him out on some level. However, mostly it increased the desire to fix it, and that wasn't a bad thing. Not worth getting freaked out over. Yet.
It felt scarily good, on a deeper level. That was way freakier. "No, Kevin. Question is, do you believe me when I tell you that?"
He didn't want to believe it. Kevin wanted to believe that Josh felt freaked by him, that he wanted to leave Kevin on his own and go do better things--that he could do better things. It was like his logical brain was fighting with his depression and self loathing, to be honest. Which, to be honest, he knew that wanting Josh to be freaked out by all of this was fucked up. But there was a difference in wanting that, and knowing what was true.
He reached over, and touched another leaf, making it crumble away just like the other.
"I think...yeah, I believe you," he admitted eventually, and let his hands rest against the table. "I think if you were freaked out, you wouldn't hide it from me. Right?"
Thoughtfully, Josh reached his hand up and let a fingertip brush against the rotted edge of the stem where Kevin had just touched. A flicker of glow later and the browned stub flourished into a full, shiny green leaf again. The plant not only looked lively again, but looked even healthier than it had when Josh first set it down on the table.
"Nah, probably not, but even if I wanted to I suck at lying and you know it," Josh reminded him, and that time it came with half of a smile. "You call me on my shit more than any other asswipe here."
When Kevin saw Josh's hand in that decay view, he fought a wince, and quickly shut off his death vision. After doing so, he noticed how good the flower looked now, and it made him feel a little dejected. Sometimes, seeing all the destruction he did with a touch of his finger being so easily reversed by Josh was very hard to watch.
"That's only because I know you better than most of the asswipes here," Kevin mused, and actually managed a tiny smile as he glanced over at Josh again. "I might not have lie detector powers like you, but I know how you are. You have a tell when you lie."
He turned, and gently touched Josh's cheek with his fingers in an affectionate way. "Your whole face gives it away."
"My brother used to tell me that, too, so I've accepted it. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is." The tone was comical, and Josh managed only a brief pause before he ended up laughing finally. "At least you've got me all figured out. Smarmy fucker like you will probably use it to your advantage."
Josh caught Kevin's hand in his, giving it a playful squeeze before letting both of their fingers drop down to the plant. Touching at the same time.
"I know I'll try to," Kevin assured, and glanced over at the flower. He could see his powers desperately trying to wither it away at the same time, but the decay curling back because of Josh's powers. It was a constant action of colorful power, and he couldn't stop looking at it.
"I bet you've got me all figured out, too," Kevin murmured, expression softening.
That looked like it would hurt. Like Kevin, Josh's gaze was glued on the plant and the gold and black energy swirling about the brilliant green of the leaves. The two colours together was kind of mesmerizing, he had to admit. To himself. "Sometimes, but you're good at surprising me. Bet you didn't think that about yourself, though."
If there was one thing that was forever predictable about Kevin Ford it was his self deprecating nature.
"No, I didn't," Kevin spoke, and couldn't help but wonder if Josh could bring back anything Kevin withered one day. As in things that weren't plants. What about people? What about something huge like a tree?
"I'm not that surprising," he spoke slowly, still watching that plant with a bit of wonder. "I'm always steadily negative, aren't I?"
Josh looked like he was going to nod, but instead shrugged and pulled his hand away, leaving the plant under Kevin's abruptly. "Only about you. That's why I'm always bugging you about it. Other things? You surprise me about those."
Kevin flinched when Josh pulled his hand back, and watched as that plant completely withered away. Instantly, he pulled his hand back, and stared at the decaying life before him. To be honest, Josh surprised him a lot, too. However, Kevin got surprised about some pretty pathetic ass shit, but he wasn't going to admit that. Instead, he just touched the rim of the metallic pot the plant had been sitting in.
"Yeah? I bet I can surprise you with something right now," he began, not looking up. "And it's something to do with me."
Reaching over, Josh placed his fingers in the pile of ash and was perplexed to find that he couldn't bring the plant back to life. It was too decayed...completely dead, or something. Perhaps it was something that he would have to work on in the future. Huh.
The rest of what Kevin had to say was likely more interesting than trying right now, anyway. "Go on then. Surprise me."
"I didn't come down here to just do power stuff with you," Kevin began, and pulled one glove back on as a way to distract himself as he talked. "It's probably stupid, and you're not allowed to be dumb about it, but..."
He sighed, and stared down at the table. "I came to see if you wanted to go to the Halloween thing with me. Like we went to that other party together."
"Fuck off. Seriously?" Now Josh was grinning stupidly, elation washing over him. Those words weren't ever ones he'd expected to come out of Kevin's mouth, so surprise was definitely the reaction he'd correctly predicted.
"You heard me right. I wanna fucking hang out with you on Halloween," Kevin continued, still not looking at Josh while he spoke. However, he was obviously trying to fight a smile right then. "Told you I'd surprise you."
The grin remained, and Josh shook his head with amusement. "You did. And we'll so go, but you have to dress up this time! It's right up your alley and everything."
Kevin rolled his eyes, and pulled on his other glove before facing Josh again. "Fine, but it'll be really fucking hard and Ellie will probably have to make me something."
He paused, and finally smiled. "You better dress warmer this time."
"Don't act like you didn't dig the golden shorts. I was a perfect statue!" Josh shot back playfully. "And you were so nice to give me your coat out there. I should've realised then that you were a secret softie."
"Fuck off," Kevin rolled his eyes, and gave Josh a playful shove. "I'm not a softie. I was just in a good mood because it was Halloween."
"Right, right. Well whatever it is you claim to be, then, you just better let me steal a dance outta you again."
"I guess I'll dance with you once," Kevin decided after a tiny pause. "It wasn't so bad the first time."
And it had ended really well, too.
It could end well again. Josh was optimistic about spending time with him--plus it was shortly after Kevin's birthday. They could have some fun together and keep on getting closer to the end of this slump. Fuck, Kevin just asking him out on a god damn date was a pretty good sign things were looking up again! It'd be a pain even trying to wipe the grin off Josh's face the rest of the day.
"Well fuck, Ford, I'll have to make sure I don't bore you this go around!"
"Heh, I believe you," Kevin mused, and cocked another grin. When he spoke again, he sounded fairly amused. "But if you come home with a football uniform costume one day, I might have to wither it away before you can wear it."
Joking, of course.
Kevin got a playful scoff for that. "Excuse you, I'm more than capable of wearing something that's not trendy, a little eccentric, and has layers. In fact, I'll make sure I do all three so you can't say shit."
"I'll remember you said that," Kevin told him, and gently took hold of Josh by the chin with his fingers. "And maybe I won't just wear my normal clothes and just carry a scythe around for my costume."
Hehn. "No zombie stuff. Promise."
Josh wrinkled up his nose comically. "Nah. I'd like to think that you're a little more creative than that, Ford." And considering his best friend forever made clothes for fun, Kevin had no excuse this year!
"I'll think of something cool," Kevin assured him. "And it'll be something that doesn't look stupid with gloves."
He dropped his hands, and glanced over at the former plant before he let out a small laugh. "Or I could just be a fucking gardener. I do good work, don't I?"
"Actually I think Billy the Exterminator is more your style," Josh joked, laughing right along with Kevin. "Think your badass southern self could rock a mullet, though?"
Kevin rolled his eyes at that, and made a face. "You know, I haven't told you that I hate you in awhile. I think now's a good time to remind you that I hate you, and I don't have an accent."
Getting to his feet, Josh beamed and strode across the lab to find them another plant. Maybe something uglier, like a bush, so they could have more leaves to work with this time around. They could be at this all day long.
"You keep telling yourself that, Ford."
Warning: references to suicide and self harm, as well as major depressive episodes.
Deciding to branch away from his room today, Kevin actually went to seek Josh out downstairs. He wanted to talk to him about a few things, and at the same time prove he was trying to feel better about things again. Sighing, he stepped into the lab, hoping that Josh would think it was some big deal that he was down here again. He hadn't been down here in over a month, so that was something, right?
"Hi," he greeted, folding his arms as he saw his boyfriend. "Are you busy?"
Actually, Josh was surprised to see Kevin down in the lab, and it showed on his face for a very brief moment. However, he quickly shook it away and brought his gaze back down to his sample matter he was working on. It could wait. "No, not really. I'm just experimenting, I guess. What's up?"
Hopefully it was nothing bad. Kevin had been upset enough lately and Josh really didn't want to see him have to go through an added something else on top of the rest. The healer had been legitimately concerned about him pretty much all summer long!
Kevin hadn't been in a good place the last while, no. The amount he'd thought of death and taking his own life in the past few weeks was almost kind of scary to him, but he wouldn't dare share that with anyone. Especially not Josh. "Nothing really. Just wanted to talk to you about some stuff."
He gestured over to the table. "I was thinking, um, I could start working on my powers again this week with you. If you're still up for that."
If he wasn't, Kevin would understand. It wasn't like he was worth anyone's time to begin with, and he hadn't been making an effort for awhile now.
The answer brought a warm smile to Josh's face, and he returned to his work bench to sit down. There was a stool next to him, cool and unoccupied, and he kicked it out as an invitation for Kevin to come and sit with him. The expression on Josh's face was bright and hopeful, clearly indicating to Kevin that he was all for the idea.
"'Course I am. I bet Moira will be happy to see you back and at it again, too," Josh said. "Wanna start slowly or just get right back to where we left off?"
"Slow. I haven't practiced in awhile, and I don't want to get frustrated again," Kevin explained, and took the seat. Yeah, like he needed that to happen--they both knew how miserable he got when he was frustrated. "Moira's probably pissed at me."
She probably thought he just gave up, or something. Not that Kevin wasn't constantly tempted to, but still.
"Nah, Moira's cool; I wouldn't worry about her, and she knows what you're like anyway," Josh teased, and nudged Kevin in the side. "But cool. Did you want to start today?"
"We can," Kevin spoke with a nod. He had something on his mind that he wanted to ask Josh, too, but he didn't want to make it seems stupid or lame. He just had to figure out how to do it without feeling like a massive tool. "Something small and slow. I don't want to push it on the first day, either."
He gestured to the table. "What were you doing before I came?"
"Sometimes Moira gives me samples of tissues and other things to look at or manipulate. Things I'm guessing that she's already done with or studied. Probably wants to see if I can get the same results she did," Josh commented with just the slightest amusement before he got up to tuck all of that away. The tasks he got were not things he felt that anyone else would find interesting, if only because they couldn't understand the way Josh observed, manipulated, and sensed the things he studied on a physical level. Simon could, he was sure, but that wasn't everyone.
"It's boring. I can get us a plant to work with, if you want? Something big with lots of leaves?" Plants were easy and weren't hurting anything, and Josh liked to try and figure out the organic matter of them, anyway. Their genetic makeup was different enough from animal to provide him more of a challenge--especially after it was decayed by Kevin.
"Okay, sure," Kevin nodded. Touching plants didn't bother him so much, and it could take away the hunger that he felt due to his abilities. Though, to be honest, even if for some reason he ever did get control, he knew he wouldn't be able to touch animals or people with his bare hands, save for the people he knew he couldn't hurt. Kevin had so many psychological problems with his abilities that he knew if he had control of them this very second, he would still feel the need to take every precaution. His skin was a poison, and it'd be very hard to break out of that mindset. Kevin would be far too terrified to even try living differently, because all he'd think about was what happened to his dad, and how it could happen to someone else.
"You know...withering plants helps with how my powers make me feel sometimes," he admitted as he began taking his gloves off. "I noticed that when I stopped doing it last month."
Josh pursed his lips together as he set down a tulip plant in front of them. "Your powers were feeling worse when you weren't practicing?"
Somehow, he wasn't surprised. Sometimes Josh felt like his powers felt itchy and intensified when he wasn't using them regularly---or even when he just hadn't been touching Kevin much. When they were together his powers were always on and learning to adapt to Kevin's---thrive off of them, even. All this time he'd spent learning not to be harmed by them was beginning to turn into needing to be touched by Kevin's powers. It was weird. Though, perhaps, Kevin felt some kind of relief by Josh's powers too since the urge to ash him shouldn't have been felt. Maybe it was worth finally discussing.
When Josh touched Kevin, all of that hunger disappeared. It was probably the only time where Kevin felt like he was actually an okay person without horrible thoughts. Josh's touch was the greatest source of relief for him, and he sometimes felt guilty that he gave into it so much. Not touching Josh made him feel like shit and not using his powers at all made him feel like shit, so when he really wanted to inflict some kind of pain within himself, he didn't allow himself to touch anything with his bare hands. Not plants, not the grass, not Josh and not even paper. Kevin had a perfect way of making himself feel the absolute worst, and it kind of felt like a form of self harm to him. Maybe the pain wasn't visible to anyone else, but it was there, and he could feel it. Kevin did not at all have any healthy coping techniques.
"Yeah, I feel like shit if I don't use them in some way," Kevin spoke slowly, and leaned over to study that plant. Already, he could feel himself itching to touch it. At that feeling, Kevin looked down at his bare hand, and stared a little coldly at it. "And when I touch you, the feeling shuts off completely. It's weird, kinda like you push it away."
He shrugged, and glanced over at Josh. "It is what it is."
The entire explanation made Josh's chest feel tight and his stomach flop. It was exactly as he had suspected, then, and he found that both relieving and terrifying. On one hand, it was nice to know that he could give Kevin some sort of normalcy. The other boy always seemed to feel like a prisoner trapped in his own skin, and that feeling must have been utterly crushing. On the other hand, it was overwhelming to know that their powers were having this kind of effect on each other. Touch was relief, freedom, intensity, safety, and...addicting. Addiction could lead to dependence and sometimes that was viewed as wrong. That it wasn't okay to have to rely on someone else.
Part of Josh wanted to run away from that, but another part of him really wanted to just give in. He bit his lip hard as he fought it, but still had to ask the question that had been burning in him since the middle of summer. "Why did you keep away from me, then?"
Kevin bit his lip, and looked down at the table, pressing the tips of his fingers against the metal. He knew very well why he hadn't let Josh touch him, and why he hadn't used his powers on top of that. He needed the pain, and he deserved it even more. The idea of using his powers and actually feeling relief while the anniversary of his father's death passed honestly made Kevin feel sick. He didn't deserve to be happy, and he especially didn't deserve it when he felt like shit. When he felt like shit, he needed to be lonely, fucked up and sad. He didn't deserve to be doing something that made him feel good when his dad was fucking dead.
That was just the way things were. Kevin was what he was, and there was no changing it.
"Because I didn't want to feel good," Kevin admitted lowly. "Because I murdered my dad just over a year ago, and I didn't deserve to feel better about it. Killers don't have that privilege, they just get guilt."
That was bullshit. There was so much wrong with that line of thinking that Josh just wanted to flip the table over and scream in Kevin's face until he fucking understood that this wasn't his fault---that he couldn't keep blaming himself. However, Josh was also really beginning to learn in these past twelve months that there was no logic in depression. Kevin couldn't be fixed by logic and he couldn't be fixed by anyone but himself.
So instead of contemplating that ragey fantasy, Josh let out a low breath and reeled himself back in. They would never stop having this discussion, and he knew it.
Josh crept his hand over to attempt to touch Kevin's hand.
And just like that, the itch to use his powers fluttered away so easily. Kevin couldn't help but stare down at their hands, unable to help how pathetic he felt right then about everything he just admitted. His face felt hot, and there was a churn in his stomach. Chewing his lip, he turned his hand so he could entwine his fingers with Josh's tightly.
Sometimes he had no idea why Josh didn't see what a piece of shit person he was, but then sometimes he was really glad that Josh didn't. Today was a being glad day, it seemed.
"What do my powers make you feel like?" Kevin asked slowly, gaze not tearing away from their hands. "Now that it's been awhile, I mean."
"It hurts not to touch you," Josh admitted with a small frown, eyes glued on their hands rather than Kevin's face. The contact made Josh glow, like normal, but it was also relaxing him right then. "Not pain and not really anxiety--it's hard to explain. All this time I figured that I was just getting stronger and less tired, but maybe my powers were adapting to yours. Or learning to click with them or...feed off of them, or something. Probably that last one."
He shifted uncomfortably. "Do you think that's fucked?"
It was probably kind of fucked, but Kevin knew how Josh's powers made him feel was pretty fucked, too. If anyone else heard this conversation, they would be mildly concerned. Despite all of this, Kevin felt kind of relieved that he wasn't the only one strangely affected by their touching.
"I don't know, maybe both of our powers are a little fucked up that way," Kevin admitted slowly, running his thumb over one of Josh's knuckles. "But it's not like you can do anything about it, right? Unless...unless you don't want to touch me anymore and go back to how you were before. If it's even possible."
Saying that filled Kevin with so much anxiety and fear that Josh would agree to that, but he felt he had to put it out there. It was only fair, right? Fuck, his powers were so stupid and he hated himself so much right now. If he just had fucking good powers that didn't suck Josh probably wouldn't be so affected by them.
"Does it make you miserable, that feeling they give you?"
"No. Nothing like that at all." Josh's voice was soft and the look on his face, though he was still not looking at Kevin, suggested that he was putting a lot of thought into his words right then. A rare occurrence, that was.
The truth was, Josh hadn't felt any actual pain or irritation at not touching Kevin or using his powers in that way--it was simply discomfort and intense longing. It was a true and completely physical reaction, and Josh wasn't sure how much of it was exaggerated by the feelings he had for Kevin emotionally. Stupid feelings always made things just that much more complicated, fuck, but the flare of intensity the other boy gave his powers could no longer be ignored.
The potential for it to grow was there, however. Josh had to realise that.
Though it was just a generally good and soothing feeling to touch, and that was that. As Kevin said...it was what it was. Running away from it would be painful. "And don't fucking ask me to go back to how it was before. Even if I said I wanted to, it would be crap. I couldn't fucking do it!"
Which was admitted with an air of defeat, leaving Josh feeling rather exposed and vulnerable in front of Kevin at present.
"I don't want you to. I just wanted to, you know, give you the option," Kevin admitted with a frown. He felt so exposed and revealed right then that he almost wanted to pull away because Josh could probably feel that. However, he just swallowed, and tried to force those anxious feelings away. Not that it was working, but he still fucking tried.
Goddammit. This whole conversation had pulled these insanely personal things out from both of them, and it was so fucking hard.
"I guess our powers are just fucked up together," Kevin said slowly, looking at the glow of Josh's skin. "I wonder if it'll ever change. You know, if I ever got control of my powers."
Josh felt the anxiety, and he pulled away because of it. He may have been a body reader, but he was not a mind reader and the last thing he wanted was to be a source of panic to Kevin. Indulging himself in a touch may have been enough for now, Josh thought. Instead, he tugged the tulips over.
"We don't know the full extent of your powers yet. It might not change, but it might..." Josh shrugged a little, and then turned his head to finally look Kevin in the eye. "Guess we better work at it if we wanna find out."
"Yeah," Kevin agreed, and after watching Josh for a moment, he stared down at his own hand. He could feel the surge of his power already coming back--that need to use it, and he decided that the only time he didn't feel like a monster was when Josh was touching him. Maybe it was because of Josh's powers with a mix of the fact he knew Josh loved him. Kevin wasn't all that sure, to be honest, but he couldn't stop thinking about it now. He actually needed Josh to feel okay, didn't he?
That was scary.
He reached forward, and touched one of the tulip leaves, still frowning as he watched it wither. He pulled back quickly, and sighed as he looked down at that crumbled leaf. Here it was, Kevin Ford the bringer of death and decay. The murderer of both his parents, and the chicken shit too scared to off himself and spare the world that last bit of pain. He stared at that flower, and just like that, his death vision clicked on, making him see nothing but decay before him.
"Are you freaked out by all of this?" he asked softly as he kept his gaze focused on the flower, and forced himself not to look away.
Josh watched the leaves crumble to ash, falling in a pile around the thickest stem of the plant. Just seeing it made Josh's fingers begin to itch, the urge to bring it all back happening through his body. It would be a lie to say that watching all of that beautiful life withering away to horrid decay didn't bother him or freak him out on some level. However, mostly it increased the desire to fix it, and that wasn't a bad thing. Not worth getting freaked out over. Yet.
It felt scarily good, on a deeper level. That was way freakier. "No, Kevin. Question is, do you believe me when I tell you that?"
He didn't want to believe it. Kevin wanted to believe that Josh felt freaked by him, that he wanted to leave Kevin on his own and go do better things--that he could do better things. It was like his logical brain was fighting with his depression and self loathing, to be honest. Which, to be honest, he knew that wanting Josh to be freaked out by all of this was fucked up. But there was a difference in wanting that, and knowing what was true.
He reached over, and touched another leaf, making it crumble away just like the other.
"I think...yeah, I believe you," he admitted eventually, and let his hands rest against the table. "I think if you were freaked out, you wouldn't hide it from me. Right?"
Thoughtfully, Josh reached his hand up and let a fingertip brush against the rotted edge of the stem where Kevin had just touched. A flicker of glow later and the browned stub flourished into a full, shiny green leaf again. The plant not only looked lively again, but looked even healthier than it had when Josh first set it down on the table.
"Nah, probably not, but even if I wanted to I suck at lying and you know it," Josh reminded him, and that time it came with half of a smile. "You call me on my shit more than any other asswipe here."
When Kevin saw Josh's hand in that decay view, he fought a wince, and quickly shut off his death vision. After doing so, he noticed how good the flower looked now, and it made him feel a little dejected. Sometimes, seeing all the destruction he did with a touch of his finger being so easily reversed by Josh was very hard to watch.
"That's only because I know you better than most of the asswipes here," Kevin mused, and actually managed a tiny smile as he glanced over at Josh again. "I might not have lie detector powers like you, but I know how you are. You have a tell when you lie."
He turned, and gently touched Josh's cheek with his fingers in an affectionate way. "Your whole face gives it away."
"My brother used to tell me that, too, so I've accepted it. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is." The tone was comical, and Josh managed only a brief pause before he ended up laughing finally. "At least you've got me all figured out. Smarmy fucker like you will probably use it to your advantage."
Josh caught Kevin's hand in his, giving it a playful squeeze before letting both of their fingers drop down to the plant. Touching at the same time.
"I know I'll try to," Kevin assured, and glanced over at the flower. He could see his powers desperately trying to wither it away at the same time, but the decay curling back because of Josh's powers. It was a constant action of colorful power, and he couldn't stop looking at it.
"I bet you've got me all figured out, too," Kevin murmured, expression softening.
That looked like it would hurt. Like Kevin, Josh's gaze was glued on the plant and the gold and black energy swirling about the brilliant green of the leaves. The two colours together was kind of mesmerizing, he had to admit. To himself. "Sometimes, but you're good at surprising me. Bet you didn't think that about yourself, though."
If there was one thing that was forever predictable about Kevin Ford it was his self deprecating nature.
"No, I didn't," Kevin spoke, and couldn't help but wonder if Josh could bring back anything Kevin withered one day. As in things that weren't plants. What about people? What about something huge like a tree?
"I'm not that surprising," he spoke slowly, still watching that plant with a bit of wonder. "I'm always steadily negative, aren't I?"
Josh looked like he was going to nod, but instead shrugged and pulled his hand away, leaving the plant under Kevin's abruptly. "Only about you. That's why I'm always bugging you about it. Other things? You surprise me about those."
Kevin flinched when Josh pulled his hand back, and watched as that plant completely withered away. Instantly, he pulled his hand back, and stared at the decaying life before him. To be honest, Josh surprised him a lot, too. However, Kevin got surprised about some pretty pathetic ass shit, but he wasn't going to admit that. Instead, he just touched the rim of the metallic pot the plant had been sitting in.
"Yeah? I bet I can surprise you with something right now," he began, not looking up. "And it's something to do with me."
Reaching over, Josh placed his fingers in the pile of ash and was perplexed to find that he couldn't bring the plant back to life. It was too decayed...completely dead, or something. Perhaps it was something that he would have to work on in the future. Huh.
The rest of what Kevin had to say was likely more interesting than trying right now, anyway. "Go on then. Surprise me."
"I didn't come down here to just do power stuff with you," Kevin began, and pulled one glove back on as a way to distract himself as he talked. "It's probably stupid, and you're not allowed to be dumb about it, but..."
He sighed, and stared down at the table. "I came to see if you wanted to go to the Halloween thing with me. Like we went to that other party together."
"Fuck off. Seriously?" Now Josh was grinning stupidly, elation washing over him. Those words weren't ever ones he'd expected to come out of Kevin's mouth, so surprise was definitely the reaction he'd correctly predicted.
"You heard me right. I wanna fucking hang out with you on Halloween," Kevin continued, still not looking at Josh while he spoke. However, he was obviously trying to fight a smile right then. "Told you I'd surprise you."
The grin remained, and Josh shook his head with amusement. "You did. And we'll so go, but you have to dress up this time! It's right up your alley and everything."
Kevin rolled his eyes, and pulled on his other glove before facing Josh again. "Fine, but it'll be really fucking hard and Ellie will probably have to make me something."
He paused, and finally smiled. "You better dress warmer this time."
"Don't act like you didn't dig the golden shorts. I was a perfect statue!" Josh shot back playfully. "And you were so nice to give me your coat out there. I should've realised then that you were a secret softie."
"Fuck off," Kevin rolled his eyes, and gave Josh a playful shove. "I'm not a softie. I was just in a good mood because it was Halloween."
"Right, right. Well whatever it is you claim to be, then, you just better let me steal a dance outta you again."
"I guess I'll dance with you once," Kevin decided after a tiny pause. "It wasn't so bad the first time."
And it had ended really well, too.
It could end well again. Josh was optimistic about spending time with him--plus it was shortly after Kevin's birthday. They could have some fun together and keep on getting closer to the end of this slump. Fuck, Kevin just asking him out on a god damn date was a pretty good sign things were looking up again! It'd be a pain even trying to wipe the grin off Josh's face the rest of the day.
"Well fuck, Ford, I'll have to make sure I don't bore you this go around!"
"Heh, I believe you," Kevin mused, and cocked another grin. When he spoke again, he sounded fairly amused. "But if you come home with a football uniform costume one day, I might have to wither it away before you can wear it."
Joking, of course.
Kevin got a playful scoff for that. "Excuse you, I'm more than capable of wearing something that's not trendy, a little eccentric, and has layers. In fact, I'll make sure I do all three so you can't say shit."
"I'll remember you said that," Kevin told him, and gently took hold of Josh by the chin with his fingers. "And maybe I won't just wear my normal clothes and just carry a scythe around for my costume."
Hehn. "No zombie stuff. Promise."
Josh wrinkled up his nose comically. "Nah. I'd like to think that you're a little more creative than that, Ford." And considering his best friend forever made clothes for fun, Kevin had no excuse this year!
"I'll think of something cool," Kevin assured him. "And it'll be something that doesn't look stupid with gloves."
He dropped his hands, and glanced over at the former plant before he let out a small laugh. "Or I could just be a fucking gardener. I do good work, don't I?"
"Actually I think Billy the Exterminator is more your style," Josh joked, laughing right along with Kevin. "Think your badass southern self could rock a mullet, though?"
Kevin rolled his eyes at that, and made a face. "You know, I haven't told you that I hate you in awhile. I think now's a good time to remind you that I hate you, and I don't have an accent."
Getting to his feet, Josh beamed and strode across the lab to find them another plant. Maybe something uglier, like a bush, so they could have more leaves to work with this time around. They could be at this all day long.
"You keep telling yourself that, Ford."
