Jensen & Felix, backdated to March 30
Mar. 30th, 2013 02:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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om_mainJensen has stumbled across the electronic barriers Tessa put up as well as the picture of Felix on the Innocent Images database. He comes to tell Felix about it, and Felix uses his terrible reaction as a chance to get Jensen to keep his secrets.
It had started out innocently enough.
It wasn’t often Jensen could say that about hacking. He supposed one could argue that hacking was illegal and therefore never innocent, but semantics. The thing was--the point was--usually when he hacked something there was a reason, there was intent. Sure, sometimes said intent was just seeing if he could (that one happened fairly often), but that was still hacking with a goal in mind. He meant to crack that security system, to slip through that firewall, to find that back door. Wherever he ended up it was exactly where he meant to be.
This time was different. This time Jensen hadn’t meant to end up where he had. He’d seen a locked door so to speak and he’d gotten curious about what was on the other side. All he had been doing had been catching up on the news and a few blogs he followed. That had led him to news articles all pertaining to the same case that wouldn’t load or misdirected to another sight which, when he’d finally gotten into, had contained dead link after dead link for missing and exploited children websites. He’d thought it was weird, so he’d gone poking, and, unfortunately, that Grand Canyon-wide curiosity streak of his (which, he’d be the first to admit, was a fault of his) had made him stumble upon a fellow student’s secrets.
Which was what brought Jensen to Felix’s door. Adjusting the strap of his computer bag, he exhaled and then knocked on the door.
Felix hadn't been very interested in talking to anyone since Tessa's revelation. Though he tried to hide it by going to class and the library as he usually did, he'd spent more and more time in his room -- or in one of his secret dreaming places hidden around the mansion. He did not want Philip to catch on about his troubles, either.
Room 107 rarely had visitors, so there was some hesitation before Felix opened the door. It cracked open slowly, revealing a few crimson curls falling forward over his oddly yellow eye as he peeked out. Right away, he recognized Jensen, both from his pictures on the journals and from passing in the hall during classes. Even though Jensen was older and larger, Felix wasn't quite as afraid of him as he was of most older boys. He pulled the door open a little bit more, enough to show the rest of his face and a shoulder, and one slender fair-skinned hand wrapped in his boldly-colored not-tattoos.
"H-hey. You looking for Philip?"
Well, here went nothing.
Jensen smiled at the other boy, a big and friendly grin that didn’t betray how uncomfortable or awkward he felt. “Hey, dude,” he replied. “Nah, I was looking for you actually.” So far so good. Then again, he had practiced what he was going to say before he’d come here. A few times if he was being honest. But, could you blame? What the fuck did you say about this? Hey, dude I barely know, I stumbled upon your deep, dark secrets by mistake. How you doing?
Felix regarded Jensen with undue solemnity, his weird eyes fixed on the older boy uncertainly. He shuffled back a step, but kept the door mostly between himself and Jensen. "I... me? I'm still not real sure about the computer thing," Felix said softly, doing his best not to mumble. "What d' you need?"
Knowing what he did now, seeing Felix so cautious and afraid made Jensen feel sick. The human race was seriously fucking disgusting sometimes. “It’s not about that. Not really the door-to-door salesman type,” he said. “It’s--Um, it’s kinda private actually.” Sticking his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, he glanced down the hall. It was empty now, but there was no promising it’d stay that way. Never mind that sound carried and the hallway had good acoustics coming out of its mahogany paneled ass. “Can I come in? Or we can go someplace else?”
Even as non-threatening as Jensen was, Felix wasn't all that keen on shutting himself in a room with an older boy who was visibly larger and stronger than he was. His lower lip caught between his teeth, and he frowned, thinking it over. Eventually, without a word, he took a couple of steps back and made enough room for Jensen to come in, then retreated to his desk on the far side of the room. "It's okay, if you need to shut the door," Felix finally decided, sitting on the edge of the desk gingerly. "What's going on?"
Jensen nodded and closed the door, “Thanks, man.” He turned to face Felix, quiet as he tried to decide how to start. So much for practicing, huh? He rubbed the back of his neck, “Um, sooo, I like to keep abreast of current events. As one, you know, does. And I was reading the news on my computer earlier and I kept running into all these issues with links. All of them for articles pertaining to the same thing.” The more he talked, the more comfortable he became, and it became this smooth rush of words with his hands gesticulating as he spoke. “They’d misdirect or give me an error message. Some of them just flat out told me I didn’t have permission to view the site. One or two on its own, that’s nothing. That’s normal. But every, single one I tried? That’s just weird. Suspicious, you know? So, I started looking into it.”
Belatedly, Jensen realized that he was doing too much talking without getting to the actual point, so he quickly reeled himself in and said, “What I’m trying to say is I more or less accidentally found you on a website for missing and exploited children. And you might want to look into that. I’m not saying anyone can find it cause hello, but it’s not 100%, fool-proof impossible either.”
Felix was already terribly fair-skinned, so it was not exactly obvious when his face went pale, but he could feel the slow draining of warmth from his skin, and the encroaching clammy chill of terrified understanding. He knew what Jensen was going to say before the older boy got around to saying it. Tessa had showed him the picture. Felix had recognized himself. Tessa had promised that she would make it almost impossible for anyone else at the school to find what she had found.
Seemed like almost wasn't as close to impossible as Felix had thought.
By the time Jensen had made his point, Felix was staring at the floor, feeling frozen solid, just as he had when Tessa had first confronted him. He didn't move a muscle, swing his feet, or lift his eyes at all. In fact, he felt like he couldn't even breathe. "Tessa..." Felix whispered, barely a sound in the pin-drop silent room, "... was gonna make it go away."
Well, now he had a name to place with the computer hijinks.
Jensen shrugged a little, “She probably wasn’t anticipating me.” It was said matter-of-factly, nothing bragging or boastful about it. He took a step closer and then stopped, shifting on his feet awkwardly. The change in the mood of the room, from wary to fearful, the way Felix folded in on himself, made him feel a little sick. It was like Felix was waiting to be hit.
“Look, don’t freak out or anything, okay?” said Jensen, trying to reassure Felix. He wasn’t sure how he’d expected this to go (certainly not well because generally telling someone you’d dug up their secret didn’t go well), but it hadn’t been this. “It’s alright. It wasn’t easy to get to, so the odds of someone else finding out how I did are slim. Really slim. I’m only here because I thought you should know.”
Too late. Much too late. Felix was already cold with panic, unable to think straight, unable to plan his next move or try to change the situation from the harsh truth of it. Someone else knew what he was. His secret wasn't much of a secret any more. When it had just been Tessa, that was one thing, but Jensen was practically a total stranger, and almost an adult, and here Felix was shut up in a room with him.
Fuck, he wanted to run away so badly, but he could barely even move enough to speak, or even to breathe.
"I knew," Felix whispered, harsher. "I thought that if I came here, nobody else would know. Now Tessa does, and you do. Who you gonna tell? What do you want? When's everybody else gonna find out what... what I been?"
“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Jensen, holding up his hands. “Slow your roll, dude. What are you talking about? I’m not going to tell anyone. I don’t want anything. Like I said, I found it on accident and I figured you should know that I had. I didn't feel right knowing without telling you. It didn't seem right.” He’d thought he’d made that clear. Also, if he was going to blackmail someone he’d be smarter about it. None of this accosting a dude in his room shit. “And you weren’t anything, okay? You weren’t being anything.” There was anger in his voice, a forcefulness. “Some sick as fuck perv forced you to do things. There’s a difference.”
As soon as Jensen's voice raised, Felix flinched, involuntarily. There was nowhere for him to flee to, except maybe the bathroom -- assuming he could even make himself move. His heart was racing, his breathing short and too quick, and he clenched his fingers around the edge of the desk until his knuckles were bone-white.
"You don't know what I done," he forced out, barely a sound at all. "You... you don't..." Suddenly Felix wasn't sure he could breathe, and he certainly couldn't speak, falling into the grip of a full-blown panic attack. When Tessa had found out, Felix could get angry. Jensen was different, practically a stranger, and all Felix could be was scared.
For a second, Jensen could only stare, shocked. How the hell had they ended up here? He’d only been trying to do the right thing. He’d thought he’d made that clear. What the fuck about him said despite what I’ve already promised you, I’m going to yank all the skeletons out of your closet and air them out to dry? Jesus, he couldn’t even get this right.
Jensen held up his hands in a gesture of harmlessness, but he didn’t move from where he stood. “Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he said voice firm, but not forceful. “Breathe, Felix. Just breathe, dude.” He drew in a deep breath and exhaled. “In and out. In and out, okay? I don’t care what you’ve done, Felix. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s alright.”
Felix's reaction was a lot more about Felix than it was about Jensen, but the younger boy didn't quite have the presence of mind to reassure him at that moment. All he wanted was for his heart to calm down and his chest to un-clench so that he could breathe and think. Think. Struggling, Felix tried to take slower breaths, to listen to what Jensen was saying. To calm down.
"You know," he whispered roughly. "Tessa knows. That's not nobody." He shut his eyes, and practically melted down into the chair at his desk. "You said, about..." Felix couldn't speak the name of the man who had kept him. "You know about the trial, too?"
“That’s what led me to the rest,” Jensen confirmed with a nod. “I tried to read an article about it and the link wouldn’t work, same thing happened with next and the next. It was suspicious and I decided to look into it. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. You can catch your breath first or whatever. Calm down.” He wasn’t so sure he wanted to go diving back into the topic that had given Felix a panic attack when he’d just barely come down from said panic attack.
"I don't wanna talk about it ever," Felix choked, and dropped his face into his hands, elbows resting on his knees. If he could have curled up smaller in any way, he would have. Crumpled down into his desk chair, Felix was the absolute picture of misery -- and more. Shame, defeat, humiliation. He was stained forever, and now, he was starting to think he'd never earn the chance to become clean.
"I wasn't gonna be that anymore," he mumbled into his hands. "I was gonna be somebody else... somebody better."
Jensen stood there awkwardly. God, he was shit at this. He didn’t know what to do or what he should say. It was personal stuff. Really fucking personal stuff and he grew steadily more and more uncomfortable, unused to this kind of sharing. He hid it well though, keeping his body language relaxed, rubbing at the back of his neck as he struggled with what to say. I’m sorry sounded so fucking hollow. It sounded like the thing someone said when they couldn’t think of any better to say.
“I’m not sure that’s how it works,” Jensen said after a moment. “I don’t think we get to be someone else, or get to start over. I mean, you can never really escape your past, you know? That stuff...it really has a way of leaving a mark. I think... Um, I think we learn, we grow. We take the ugly shit that happens to us and we... we use it, I guess. We use it to shape ourselves. You don’t have to be that anymore if you don’t want to. Hell, I think not wanting to is the start of that.” Without a pause, he added, “And, dude? You weren’t anything that other people didn’t make you to be. That’s not on you. That’s on them. It’s not your fault.” He stopped talking abruptly there his rambling running out of steam and, wow, was that ever the crappiest, not-advice advice ever.
In all Felix's life, no one had ever spoken to him quite like this before. Of course, he'd kept everything a jealously-guarded secret, worked diligently to ensure no one ever found out, and pushed away anyone who came close to guessing the truth. He'd never given anyone the chance to say these things to him, but now, frightened and frozen and unable to run away, he had to hear what Jensen was telling him. Whether he could actually listen just yet was another matter, but the words were there, and after a few moments, they seemed to actually begin to quiet the swirl of crumbling panic in him.
For three years, Felix had been told in word and deed that everything that happened to him was his fault, his own doing, because of what he was and what he would always be. That there was nothing else he could ever be, nothing but a toy and a tool for the enjoyment of others. More than anything, Felix had learned that lesson down to the marrow of his bones, and he believed it.
Felix's fingers covering his face just barely parted, allowing a glimpse of one yellow eye peeking over at Jensen. Very softly, and very hesitantly, he asked, "... it's... not?"
“Of course it’s not,” Jensen said like it should be obvious, but there was warmth in his voice too, a kind of gentleness. “I mean, fuck, dude, you were just a kid. No one in their right fucking mind could blame you. Have you even watched the news about it? Read any of the articles? All those people aren’t angry at you or the other kids, they’re angry at him. They’re all blaming him. So,” he shrugged, awkwardly not knowing where to go from there, “don’t blame yourself, alright? You don’t have to tell anyone. That’s your business and I can get why you’d not want to, but,” he shrugged again, “don’t think you did anything wrong.”
Jensen had enough to say that the words started turning circles in Felix's mind. He heard the words well enough, but more than that, he heard what Jensen wanted. The older boy wanted Felix to feel differently, wanted him to lift his head out of the guilt and darkness, and leave behind the only truth Felix had known for the last three years.
So Felix had a choice: he could deny everything Jensen said, and only make the other boy dig in his heels and work harder to convince Felix that he wasn't everything Lorenzo had always called him... or he could make Jensen believe that he understood, and his eyes were opened, and Jensen would leave Felix alone feeling better about himself. The choice was so clear, and the method so obvious, that it practically smacked Felix in the face. If he wanted this to go away, for Jensen to become his co-conspirator and not his confessor, then all he had to do was make Jensen believe that he believed. And he wouldn't even have to use his power to do it.
Slowly, he lowered his hands from his face, allowing Jensen to see his eyes, troubled and haunted, and his mouth, soft and trembly. "It wasn't... ," Felix started, very softly, hesitating before each word. "I didn't... " He cut himself off, shifting his gaze away again, and twisting his hands up in his lap. "I didn't want to," the boy ended up whispering, which was truth enough to start him on the path toward lies.
Jensen nodded a little, “I know, man. Anyone would know.” He stuck his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, unsure what else he could say. “It’s not your fault.” ...Which he’d already said and probably more than once too. So, not very helpful. He rubbed the back of his neck and gave the other boy a small smile.
Felix thought Jensen would probably understand if he didn't smile back, but he did look up at the older boy for a long moment, trying to look as though he wanted to believe the sentiment. Somewhere in his heart, perhaps he might have liked to truly believe that he was innocent, that he hadn't been tainted and corrupted by those three years spent in Lorenzo's little, home-made Hell. He couldn't, and he didn't know how to begin, but in a way, Felix could see himself through Jensen's eyes. The allure of having someone as kind-hearted as Jensen believe and say such beautiful things about him was more temptation than Felix could resist.
"I don't... you won't tell anyone, will you?" he begged, softly, gazing up at Jensen with his weird yet earnest-looking gaze. "I... it's just... the way people would look at me.... "
“Well, normally I’m all about sharing the intimate, personal details of someone’s life with anyone I come across, but since you asked so nicely...” Jensen joked, crossing his heart. More seriously, he added, “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. It’s none of my business and it’s none of theirs. Had I realized where my poking around was taking me, I would have stopped poking. So, yeah, don’t worry about it.” He mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key.
"Thanks." Felix didn't look much for joking, but he also didn't look upset by Jensen's attempt to lighten the situation with humor. It was better than Jensen being disgusted by him -- and 'disgusted' was a good summary about how Felix felt about himself right about then.
"I think I... need a shower," he added, in a softer tone, "after looking at that." It was the first thing Felix could think of to ensure that Jensen wouldn't try to hang around and make sure he was all right. And he really did feel absolutely filthy -- just for different reasons than those he was admitting to.
“Yeah, of course, dude.” Jensen took a step back, slowly making for the door. “If you ever need to talk more or whatever, I’m around.” Things didn’t magically get all better, he knew that. He knew none of what he’d said could ‘fix’ Felix, would make it allll go away. Shit like that lingered. In a way, it always walked with you, side by fucking side. He wasn’t sure he had helped. He doubted it and he also doubted he was the first person on Felix’s list should things go fucking pear-shaped, but…he didn’t want to leave without putting that out there. An offer. Just in case. He figured it had to help, in some small way maybe, just knowing someone was there even if you never ended up taking them up on it.
Mutely, Felix nodded, and dragged himself to stand up though it looked like the weight of the world was bearing down on him. Getting the door for his 'guest' would require crossing the room to get within arm's reach of Jensen, and no matter how harmless the older fellow seemed, Felix was not about to do that. Instead, his mouth softened a little, and he tipped his chin down just so, his expression just on the verge of heartbreaking as he answered, "You're... sweet."
Then he gave the slightest of nods toward the door, a bare indication that he needed a little alone time.
“Um, thanks.” That was a compliment, right? Jensen’d never been called sweet before. He took another awkward step back towards the door and pointed his thumb over his shoulder at it, “I’ll get going now. Bye, Felix. I’ll see you around.” He turned, opened the door, and was gone, closing the door behind himself again. Sooo, that could have gone better. Could have gone worse too.
Once the door was shut, Felix breathed out a shuddering, controlled sigh of relief. Now two people knew his secret, and he had no idea what he was going to do about that. First, no matter what, he was going to get that shower, as hot as he could stand it, and try to wash away the sick shroud of shame from his skin.
It had started out innocently enough.
It wasn’t often Jensen could say that about hacking. He supposed one could argue that hacking was illegal and therefore never innocent, but semantics. The thing was--the point was--usually when he hacked something there was a reason, there was intent. Sure, sometimes said intent was just seeing if he could (that one happened fairly often), but that was still hacking with a goal in mind. He meant to crack that security system, to slip through that firewall, to find that back door. Wherever he ended up it was exactly where he meant to be.
This time was different. This time Jensen hadn’t meant to end up where he had. He’d seen a locked door so to speak and he’d gotten curious about what was on the other side. All he had been doing had been catching up on the news and a few blogs he followed. That had led him to news articles all pertaining to the same case that wouldn’t load or misdirected to another sight which, when he’d finally gotten into, had contained dead link after dead link for missing and exploited children websites. He’d thought it was weird, so he’d gone poking, and, unfortunately, that Grand Canyon-wide curiosity streak of his (which, he’d be the first to admit, was a fault of his) had made him stumble upon a fellow student’s secrets.
Which was what brought Jensen to Felix’s door. Adjusting the strap of his computer bag, he exhaled and then knocked on the door.
Felix hadn't been very interested in talking to anyone since Tessa's revelation. Though he tried to hide it by going to class and the library as he usually did, he'd spent more and more time in his room -- or in one of his secret dreaming places hidden around the mansion. He did not want Philip to catch on about his troubles, either.
Room 107 rarely had visitors, so there was some hesitation before Felix opened the door. It cracked open slowly, revealing a few crimson curls falling forward over his oddly yellow eye as he peeked out. Right away, he recognized Jensen, both from his pictures on the journals and from passing in the hall during classes. Even though Jensen was older and larger, Felix wasn't quite as afraid of him as he was of most older boys. He pulled the door open a little bit more, enough to show the rest of his face and a shoulder, and one slender fair-skinned hand wrapped in his boldly-colored not-tattoos.
"H-hey. You looking for Philip?"
Well, here went nothing.
Jensen smiled at the other boy, a big and friendly grin that didn’t betray how uncomfortable or awkward he felt. “Hey, dude,” he replied. “Nah, I was looking for you actually.” So far so good. Then again, he had practiced what he was going to say before he’d come here. A few times if he was being honest. But, could you blame? What the fuck did you say about this? Hey, dude I barely know, I stumbled upon your deep, dark secrets by mistake. How you doing?
Felix regarded Jensen with undue solemnity, his weird eyes fixed on the older boy uncertainly. He shuffled back a step, but kept the door mostly between himself and Jensen. "I... me? I'm still not real sure about the computer thing," Felix said softly, doing his best not to mumble. "What d' you need?"
Knowing what he did now, seeing Felix so cautious and afraid made Jensen feel sick. The human race was seriously fucking disgusting sometimes. “It’s not about that. Not really the door-to-door salesman type,” he said. “It’s--Um, it’s kinda private actually.” Sticking his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, he glanced down the hall. It was empty now, but there was no promising it’d stay that way. Never mind that sound carried and the hallway had good acoustics coming out of its mahogany paneled ass. “Can I come in? Or we can go someplace else?”
Even as non-threatening as Jensen was, Felix wasn't all that keen on shutting himself in a room with an older boy who was visibly larger and stronger than he was. His lower lip caught between his teeth, and he frowned, thinking it over. Eventually, without a word, he took a couple of steps back and made enough room for Jensen to come in, then retreated to his desk on the far side of the room. "It's okay, if you need to shut the door," Felix finally decided, sitting on the edge of the desk gingerly. "What's going on?"
Jensen nodded and closed the door, “Thanks, man.” He turned to face Felix, quiet as he tried to decide how to start. So much for practicing, huh? He rubbed the back of his neck, “Um, sooo, I like to keep abreast of current events. As one, you know, does. And I was reading the news on my computer earlier and I kept running into all these issues with links. All of them for articles pertaining to the same thing.” The more he talked, the more comfortable he became, and it became this smooth rush of words with his hands gesticulating as he spoke. “They’d misdirect or give me an error message. Some of them just flat out told me I didn’t have permission to view the site. One or two on its own, that’s nothing. That’s normal. But every, single one I tried? That’s just weird. Suspicious, you know? So, I started looking into it.”
Belatedly, Jensen realized that he was doing too much talking without getting to the actual point, so he quickly reeled himself in and said, “What I’m trying to say is I more or less accidentally found you on a website for missing and exploited children. And you might want to look into that. I’m not saying anyone can find it cause hello, but it’s not 100%, fool-proof impossible either.”
Felix was already terribly fair-skinned, so it was not exactly obvious when his face went pale, but he could feel the slow draining of warmth from his skin, and the encroaching clammy chill of terrified understanding. He knew what Jensen was going to say before the older boy got around to saying it. Tessa had showed him the picture. Felix had recognized himself. Tessa had promised that she would make it almost impossible for anyone else at the school to find what she had found.
Seemed like almost wasn't as close to impossible as Felix had thought.
By the time Jensen had made his point, Felix was staring at the floor, feeling frozen solid, just as he had when Tessa had first confronted him. He didn't move a muscle, swing his feet, or lift his eyes at all. In fact, he felt like he couldn't even breathe. "Tessa..." Felix whispered, barely a sound in the pin-drop silent room, "... was gonna make it go away."
Well, now he had a name to place with the computer hijinks.
Jensen shrugged a little, “She probably wasn’t anticipating me.” It was said matter-of-factly, nothing bragging or boastful about it. He took a step closer and then stopped, shifting on his feet awkwardly. The change in the mood of the room, from wary to fearful, the way Felix folded in on himself, made him feel a little sick. It was like Felix was waiting to be hit.
“Look, don’t freak out or anything, okay?” said Jensen, trying to reassure Felix. He wasn’t sure how he’d expected this to go (certainly not well because generally telling someone you’d dug up their secret didn’t go well), but it hadn’t been this. “It’s alright. It wasn’t easy to get to, so the odds of someone else finding out how I did are slim. Really slim. I’m only here because I thought you should know.”
Too late. Much too late. Felix was already cold with panic, unable to think straight, unable to plan his next move or try to change the situation from the harsh truth of it. Someone else knew what he was. His secret wasn't much of a secret any more. When it had just been Tessa, that was one thing, but Jensen was practically a total stranger, and almost an adult, and here Felix was shut up in a room with him.
Fuck, he wanted to run away so badly, but he could barely even move enough to speak, or even to breathe.
"I knew," Felix whispered, harsher. "I thought that if I came here, nobody else would know. Now Tessa does, and you do. Who you gonna tell? What do you want? When's everybody else gonna find out what... what I been?"
“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Jensen, holding up his hands. “Slow your roll, dude. What are you talking about? I’m not going to tell anyone. I don’t want anything. Like I said, I found it on accident and I figured you should know that I had. I didn't feel right knowing without telling you. It didn't seem right.” He’d thought he’d made that clear. Also, if he was going to blackmail someone he’d be smarter about it. None of this accosting a dude in his room shit. “And you weren’t anything, okay? You weren’t being anything.” There was anger in his voice, a forcefulness. “Some sick as fuck perv forced you to do things. There’s a difference.”
As soon as Jensen's voice raised, Felix flinched, involuntarily. There was nowhere for him to flee to, except maybe the bathroom -- assuming he could even make himself move. His heart was racing, his breathing short and too quick, and he clenched his fingers around the edge of the desk until his knuckles were bone-white.
"You don't know what I done," he forced out, barely a sound at all. "You... you don't..." Suddenly Felix wasn't sure he could breathe, and he certainly couldn't speak, falling into the grip of a full-blown panic attack. When Tessa had found out, Felix could get angry. Jensen was different, practically a stranger, and all Felix could be was scared.
For a second, Jensen could only stare, shocked. How the hell had they ended up here? He’d only been trying to do the right thing. He’d thought he’d made that clear. What the fuck about him said despite what I’ve already promised you, I’m going to yank all the skeletons out of your closet and air them out to dry? Jesus, he couldn’t even get this right.
Jensen held up his hands in a gesture of harmlessness, but he didn’t move from where he stood. “Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he said voice firm, but not forceful. “Breathe, Felix. Just breathe, dude.” He drew in a deep breath and exhaled. “In and out. In and out, okay? I don’t care what you’ve done, Felix. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s alright.”
Felix's reaction was a lot more about Felix than it was about Jensen, but the younger boy didn't quite have the presence of mind to reassure him at that moment. All he wanted was for his heart to calm down and his chest to un-clench so that he could breathe and think. Think. Struggling, Felix tried to take slower breaths, to listen to what Jensen was saying. To calm down.
"You know," he whispered roughly. "Tessa knows. That's not nobody." He shut his eyes, and practically melted down into the chair at his desk. "You said, about..." Felix couldn't speak the name of the man who had kept him. "You know about the trial, too?"
“That’s what led me to the rest,” Jensen confirmed with a nod. “I tried to read an article about it and the link wouldn’t work, same thing happened with next and the next. It was suspicious and I decided to look into it. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to. You can catch your breath first or whatever. Calm down.” He wasn’t so sure he wanted to go diving back into the topic that had given Felix a panic attack when he’d just barely come down from said panic attack.
"I don't wanna talk about it ever," Felix choked, and dropped his face into his hands, elbows resting on his knees. If he could have curled up smaller in any way, he would have. Crumpled down into his desk chair, Felix was the absolute picture of misery -- and more. Shame, defeat, humiliation. He was stained forever, and now, he was starting to think he'd never earn the chance to become clean.
"I wasn't gonna be that anymore," he mumbled into his hands. "I was gonna be somebody else... somebody better."
Jensen stood there awkwardly. God, he was shit at this. He didn’t know what to do or what he should say. It was personal stuff. Really fucking personal stuff and he grew steadily more and more uncomfortable, unused to this kind of sharing. He hid it well though, keeping his body language relaxed, rubbing at the back of his neck as he struggled with what to say. I’m sorry sounded so fucking hollow. It sounded like the thing someone said when they couldn’t think of any better to say.
“I’m not sure that’s how it works,” Jensen said after a moment. “I don’t think we get to be someone else, or get to start over. I mean, you can never really escape your past, you know? That stuff...it really has a way of leaving a mark. I think... Um, I think we learn, we grow. We take the ugly shit that happens to us and we... we use it, I guess. We use it to shape ourselves. You don’t have to be that anymore if you don’t want to. Hell, I think not wanting to is the start of that.” Without a pause, he added, “And, dude? You weren’t anything that other people didn’t make you to be. That’s not on you. That’s on them. It’s not your fault.” He stopped talking abruptly there his rambling running out of steam and, wow, was that ever the crappiest, not-advice advice ever.
In all Felix's life, no one had ever spoken to him quite like this before. Of course, he'd kept everything a jealously-guarded secret, worked diligently to ensure no one ever found out, and pushed away anyone who came close to guessing the truth. He'd never given anyone the chance to say these things to him, but now, frightened and frozen and unable to run away, he had to hear what Jensen was telling him. Whether he could actually listen just yet was another matter, but the words were there, and after a few moments, they seemed to actually begin to quiet the swirl of crumbling panic in him.
For three years, Felix had been told in word and deed that everything that happened to him was his fault, his own doing, because of what he was and what he would always be. That there was nothing else he could ever be, nothing but a toy and a tool for the enjoyment of others. More than anything, Felix had learned that lesson down to the marrow of his bones, and he believed it.
Felix's fingers covering his face just barely parted, allowing a glimpse of one yellow eye peeking over at Jensen. Very softly, and very hesitantly, he asked, "... it's... not?"
“Of course it’s not,” Jensen said like it should be obvious, but there was warmth in his voice too, a kind of gentleness. “I mean, fuck, dude, you were just a kid. No one in their right fucking mind could blame you. Have you even watched the news about it? Read any of the articles? All those people aren’t angry at you or the other kids, they’re angry at him. They’re all blaming him. So,” he shrugged, awkwardly not knowing where to go from there, “don’t blame yourself, alright? You don’t have to tell anyone. That’s your business and I can get why you’d not want to, but,” he shrugged again, “don’t think you did anything wrong.”
Jensen had enough to say that the words started turning circles in Felix's mind. He heard the words well enough, but more than that, he heard what Jensen wanted. The older boy wanted Felix to feel differently, wanted him to lift his head out of the guilt and darkness, and leave behind the only truth Felix had known for the last three years.
So Felix had a choice: he could deny everything Jensen said, and only make the other boy dig in his heels and work harder to convince Felix that he wasn't everything Lorenzo had always called him... or he could make Jensen believe that he understood, and his eyes were opened, and Jensen would leave Felix alone feeling better about himself. The choice was so clear, and the method so obvious, that it practically smacked Felix in the face. If he wanted this to go away, for Jensen to become his co-conspirator and not his confessor, then all he had to do was make Jensen believe that he believed. And he wouldn't even have to use his power to do it.
Slowly, he lowered his hands from his face, allowing Jensen to see his eyes, troubled and haunted, and his mouth, soft and trembly. "It wasn't... ," Felix started, very softly, hesitating before each word. "I didn't... " He cut himself off, shifting his gaze away again, and twisting his hands up in his lap. "I didn't want to," the boy ended up whispering, which was truth enough to start him on the path toward lies.
Jensen nodded a little, “I know, man. Anyone would know.” He stuck his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, unsure what else he could say. “It’s not your fault.” ...Which he’d already said and probably more than once too. So, not very helpful. He rubbed the back of his neck and gave the other boy a small smile.
Felix thought Jensen would probably understand if he didn't smile back, but he did look up at the older boy for a long moment, trying to look as though he wanted to believe the sentiment. Somewhere in his heart, perhaps he might have liked to truly believe that he was innocent, that he hadn't been tainted and corrupted by those three years spent in Lorenzo's little, home-made Hell. He couldn't, and he didn't know how to begin, but in a way, Felix could see himself through Jensen's eyes. The allure of having someone as kind-hearted as Jensen believe and say such beautiful things about him was more temptation than Felix could resist.
"I don't... you won't tell anyone, will you?" he begged, softly, gazing up at Jensen with his weird yet earnest-looking gaze. "I... it's just... the way people would look at me.... "
“Well, normally I’m all about sharing the intimate, personal details of someone’s life with anyone I come across, but since you asked so nicely...” Jensen joked, crossing his heart. More seriously, he added, “I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. It’s none of my business and it’s none of theirs. Had I realized where my poking around was taking me, I would have stopped poking. So, yeah, don’t worry about it.” He mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key.
"Thanks." Felix didn't look much for joking, but he also didn't look upset by Jensen's attempt to lighten the situation with humor. It was better than Jensen being disgusted by him -- and 'disgusted' was a good summary about how Felix felt about himself right about then.
"I think I... need a shower," he added, in a softer tone, "after looking at that." It was the first thing Felix could think of to ensure that Jensen wouldn't try to hang around and make sure he was all right. And he really did feel absolutely filthy -- just for different reasons than those he was admitting to.
“Yeah, of course, dude.” Jensen took a step back, slowly making for the door. “If you ever need to talk more or whatever, I’m around.” Things didn’t magically get all better, he knew that. He knew none of what he’d said could ‘fix’ Felix, would make it allll go away. Shit like that lingered. In a way, it always walked with you, side by fucking side. He wasn’t sure he had helped. He doubted it and he also doubted he was the first person on Felix’s list should things go fucking pear-shaped, but…he didn’t want to leave without putting that out there. An offer. Just in case. He figured it had to help, in some small way maybe, just knowing someone was there even if you never ended up taking them up on it.
Mutely, Felix nodded, and dragged himself to stand up though it looked like the weight of the world was bearing down on him. Getting the door for his 'guest' would require crossing the room to get within arm's reach of Jensen, and no matter how harmless the older fellow seemed, Felix was not about to do that. Instead, his mouth softened a little, and he tipped his chin down just so, his expression just on the verge of heartbreaking as he answered, "You're... sweet."
Then he gave the slightest of nods toward the door, a bare indication that he needed a little alone time.
“Um, thanks.” That was a compliment, right? Jensen’d never been called sweet before. He took another awkward step back towards the door and pointed his thumb over his shoulder at it, “I’ll get going now. Bye, Felix. I’ll see you around.” He turned, opened the door, and was gone, closing the door behind himself again. Sooo, that could have gone better. Could have gone worse too.
Once the door was shut, Felix breathed out a shuddering, controlled sigh of relief. Now two people knew his secret, and he had no idea what he was going to do about that. First, no matter what, he was going to get that shower, as hot as he could stand it, and try to wash away the sick shroud of shame from his skin.
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Date: 2013-05-05 06:03 pm (UTC)DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!
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Date: 2013-05-05 06:05 pm (UTC)(Awesome log, though.)
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Date: 2013-05-06 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-06 12:41 am (UTC)Not that she thinks he'd betray Felix's trust. Still. She has a reputation to uphold!
^_^
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Date: 2013-05-06 12:43 am (UTC)