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om_mainJeanne-Marie manages to drag Kevin out to see a movie.
Kevin headed out of his room to go meet Jeanne-Marie by the front door, not all that excited about doing so. She sent him a text message saying that she wanted to bring him to some old theatre, and though he wasn't interested in leaving the school at all, he was going to see her. Maybe he could change her mind and they could watch something on TV again. Kevin didn't like leaving the school, because it was his prison. Maybe Kevin wasn't in real jail, but he needed to be somewhere that no one would touch him. No one would accidentally touch his face, or something. No one would bump into him, and no one would die. Everyone was safer and better off if he stayed on the school grounds.
He had only left the school once since coming here, and doing so had made him anxious. Kevin didn't belong in the outside world anymore.
Leaning against the wall, Kevin waited for Jeanne-Marie.
She appeared just a moment later, tying her leather jacket around her waist, though the cold rarely touched her; she just liked the way it looked. She flashed him a huge smile and dove right into her plans: "There are two shows that start in an hour. We have lots of time to get coffee or something on our way. We can bring in our own food."
Kevin's eyes widened at the way she talked. Jeanne-Marie seemed very happy at the idea of leaving, and Kevin was scared he couldn't convince her to stay. She'd end up dragging him out just like Paige had, and this would be a lot different. He'd have to be careful not to wreck any chairs, or anything. His stupid neck ruined his stupid life every time he leaned back, fuck.
"Are you sure you wanna go?" he asked her. "There's always something on TV, if it's a problem to get there."
"Why would it be a problem?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ears and then putting on her hat. "We have time to walk, even, if we want to."
It figured. Why did girls always try to make him leave the stupid school? Maybe he didn't like leaving the school, but no one ever considered that, did they? He was scared of leaving, and he didn't deserve it at the same time. There were too many what ifs for his liking, to be honest.
"What if I hurt someone? What if they bump into me and just fall over into ash?"
Jeanne-Marie didn't want to be dismissive--it was true, she didn't know what it was to be Kevin, and if she was, she would probably be just as paranoid, if not more so. But she truly believed that wasting his life indoors was not the answer. If anything, it would only make him more paranoid. She sighed, refusing to allow herself to become impatient. "If it is crowded and you feel too nervous, we will come home. At least come and walk around with me a little. It is a beautiful day."
Kevin sulked. "Fine, but if anything happens, I'm coming back."
He preferred to stay in the school, but he could be coaxed into leaving by the right people. Jeanne-Marie was one of his closer friends, but if Josh or Ellie asked him to do it as well, he would. Kevin was stubborn, but he did like making people he liked happy in ways that he could manage.
"Where is this place?" he asked, fighting a sigh.
"Just in town," she promised. "And near. They're showing an old Bela Lugosi movie and a newer one--I forget. Here." She dug in her bag and pressed a clipping into his gloved hand.
"Sure," Kevin said, looking over at the clipping. He didn't care that much about what they saw because he wasn't into doing this all that much. Shrugging, he quietly handed the clipping back to Jeanne-Marie. He wasn't trying to be a jerk, but he was just too concerned about a lot of other things to feel too concerned about the movie choice. "We can see whatever one you want. Let's just get this over with."
Kevin pulled his gloves up tighter, and turned up the collar of his jacket just for extra protection. Every part of his skin that could be protected by his clothes right now, was protected. Since it would be cold out, he zipped up his jacket, despite the fact that doing so would be rather pointless. His jacket was too thin to do anything against winter weather, but he liked it, so winter could shut up.
Jeanne-Marie rolled her eyes, but a small, affectionate smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she opened the door. "Be careful, Kevin. You'll look pretty silly with that attitude if you end up accidentally enjoying yourself."
Kevin followed Jeanne-Marie outside, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets as he did so. He gave her a shrug, not really feeling into this whole leaving thing. The school made him feel much more secure than any other place, he'd decided. It was just more comforting to be in an area where everyone knew how dangerous he was, and they kept their distance besides a small select few. And even those select few never, ever tried to touch his skin.
"Don't worry, I don't know how to enjoy myself," he commented. It was a slight joke, not that most people would even pick up on that. Sometimes, Kevin did use his sulking as a method of humour, but anyone who didn't know him that well likely never picked up on that. If he had to leave the school again, then he supposed he'd just live with it. He could go lay in the snow later if the outing bothered him, or whatever. "'Sides, the attitude is my personality. I can't get rid of it."
Jeanne-Marie chuckled and bumped his shoulder with hers. "God forbid it, mon cher. Let the world end first. Walk, or bus?"
"Let's just walk. There's too many people on the bus, and it smells weird," Kevin informed her. "Just show me where to go."
She did without another word on the subject, still smiling. "Tell me what's been happening. You and Josh have made up? No more fighting?" She tried to keep her voice light, but she hadn't brought it up since coming home from the holidays, since Kevin had been (for Kevin) in a good mood. It still nagged at her, though, knowing what Josh had done...
"We're okay," he assured her as they walked, fighting a smile. He hadn't talked to anyone besides Ellie about what had happened between him and Josh, but he trusted Jeanne-Marie not to be a dumbass about it. However, because she knew of what Josh had done, he was unsure of what her reaction to the news would be. He was a little hesitant to tell her because she was unpredictable sometimes, he thought.
"Um. Actually, we're together now. Sorta, whatever," he admitted slowly. "It happened on New Year's Eve."
She caught the hesitation in him; she wasn't sure why it was there, but she could guess. "I am glad that everything is worked out. If you are satisfied that he--that he understands what was wrong, then I will be. I hope you don't mind, Kevin, but your friends cannot help but feel protective."
"He knows what he did was wrong, and I know he won't do it again," he assured her, but he still got what she meant. He wouldn't be forgiving, if he was in Jeanne-Marie's place, that was for sure. Much as it could annoy him at times, Kevin was a very protective person, so he understood. "Everything doesn't feel completely bleak right now."
"Then I am very happy for you." Jeanne-Marie smiled. She couldn't quite forgive Josh yet, but if Kevin could, she would try. Between those two getting together and her brother and Simon finally connecting, the holidays had reduced the internal strife at the house quite a lot, she imagined. A pause. "I thought you didn't go to the party. Did Josh go?"
"I didn't go, but he did. He came up to our room around midnight, and we talked and stuff. Then we talked a little more the day after, and decided to be together, or whatever. We can't leave the school to hang out, but I don't care. I like it," Kevin admitted to Jeanne-Marie. "It's kinda cool. He can only touch me for a little bit, but that's better than not at all. My powers don't hurt him like they hurt everyone else."
Jeanne-Marie's heart softened further. "That must be so wonderful for you. I am truly happy." She slipped her arm through his and tugged him through the gates, toward Salem Center. "I didn't know his powers were so strong. He is very lucky, that they let him be with the one he wants."
"I guess," Kevin said, his face flushing slightly pink at her words. "He promised that if I hurt him, he'll tell me, but I won't let that happen. I'm not going to hurt anyone with my powers ever again."
If he ever got control over his powers, he'd just never use them again. They were bad powers, and they were not to be used like everyone else's. Moira didn't like his attitude because there was more he could do with his powers, but Kevin didn't care. If he ever got control, he was never turning his powers on again.
She squeezed his arm. "I know you won't. And I'm sure, if he knows you half as well as I suspect, that he knows that too. But as we all get to know our powers better, it is hard to say what could happen. Maybe better things are in store--for all of us." If only it was true for all the mutants in the world, and not just at the school.
Kevin didn't believe that, not really. Right now was good as it was going to get, and he knew it. He was lucky he even had people liking him after what he'd done, and with what he was. Kevin wasn't just a mutant, but he was a walking death trap. He could kill anyone with a single touch, and he never let himself forget that.
"How are you always so optimistic?" he had to ask.
There were very few people to whom Jeanne-Marie would answer that question honestly. Kevin was one of them. He didn't know everything explicitly, but he had more than enough information from their very first conversation to draw appropriate conclusions. Another squeeze. "Because if I was not, I would be dead. And just now, I am glad that my best efforts to end it failed. Years later, something is showing me that it was for a reason."
Kevin was surprised by that answer, and he looked over at her curiously. It surprised him that someone who dealt with those kinds of thoughts and feelings would somehow get better. He had those feelings everyday, and he bet Ellie did, too. Depression had him by throat sometimes, and it hurt to not just give into it. He wasn't going to die, though, and sometimes he hated that. "Are you happy here?" he asked her, wanting to hear what her response would be to that more than anything.
"If I was not happy here, it would be extremely ungrateful," she replied. Yes, the dark could catch her here as easily as anywhere, but here, she had friends--for the first time, she had family. People who depended on her and upon whom she could depend without being made to feel like it was wrong or bad or selfish. People she wanted to protect and who wanted to protect her, not just for show or to buy their way into heaven. For everything that she was. "It is certainly the happiest I have ever been--and the longest I have gone without the dark creeping in. Do you really hate it so much?"
"I don't hate it. The school's safe, and not everyone inside pisses me off. Some people do, but not everyone," Kevin spoke while they walked. No, his mood was just a constant from his depression, and because of his powers. Kevin's powers just weren't a death touch; no, there was a lot more to them than that, and they impacted his every second of life. "My dad was the only person who cared about me for a long time, and I murdered him. Not only do I have to live with that every day, but my powers are a lot worse than people realise. I see things in a sort of decay vision sometimes. I look around, and everyone's rotting away. Usually, I can control that part pretty easily, but I still have slips. It can hurt."
Kevin sighed, and looked down at his boots. On top of that, his powers ached not to use, and sometimes he felt like withering away the whole world. It was a lot to fight, and took a lot of energy to do. "No matter where I go, or what I do, I'm never going to be a happy person. Maybe I have moments, but I can't be happy as a whole."
"That is who you are, and will always be a part of who you are--just as my darkness will always be a part of me." She squeezed his arm a little. "Your true friends will always love you for it, not in spite of it. And they would never tell you that you should forget it.
"Time changes the way things feel," she said, thinking of something Professor Xavier had said to her in a session. "But it doesn't change us. And if someone doesn't like it, well..." A little smile--she didn't usually say things like this, but, "to hell with them."
"I guess," Kevin frowned. He wasn't sure how to feel about it, really. Time wouldn't change anything, except that he'd feel worse and worse. He and Ellie were in a down-spiral, and nothing was going to get better for either of them. Kevin accepted that, sadly enough. "You're still way more positive than I could ever be."
"It is natural to me to let my light out," she admitted. She knew that Kevin was not the same, and she always had, but she hoped he wouldn't think less of her for being different. She did like him for what he was, and understand it as best she could. "I think--I haven't said this to anyone, even the professor in our sessions--but I think that it is better for me that way. When I cannot shine bright, I feel trapped; when I feel trapped, I cannot... Work. I do not know the word. But you know what I mean, yes?"
Kevin didn't think less of Jeanne-Marie for having light inside her. No, he actually envied her for it. Though Kevin was moody as hell, he didn't actually like being that. Misery and depression were not fun things to live through, and if he could choose, Kevin would definitely live without them. "I get what you mean. That's probably a good thing, that you have that light inside you---I wish I had something like that."
She squeezed his arm. "Maybe you just haven't found it yet. It doesn't have to be inside--it can be something outside. Something you love. Maybe your art, maybe not. Something that makes it worth it."
"Maybe," Kevin shrugged. Sure, his art made him happy, but it didn't make anything really worth living. Nothing was ever good in the end, so Kevin barely had hope about that. "I'm not holding my breath for that, though. All I know is that I'm not gonna end up killing myself like I thought; Ellie told me I wouldn't."
"How strange our lives are, that we know someone who can do that," Jeanne-Marie said with a smile and a shake of her head. "I am glad to hear it, though. It would be a very sad thing for your friends--for me and Ellie. For Josh. We want to keep you."
Kevin shrugged, not really knowing what to say when Jeanne-Marie worded it like that. It was easier for him to deal with the fact that nobody cared, then the fact that people did. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't handle it sometimes. Really, he was a coward, and that was why he wouldn't end his life.
"I've never really had friends before," he admitted, looking up at the sky. "It's different."
Which, in Kevin's own personal language, means it is as close to good as he is willing to admit. Jeanne-Marie smiled to herself. "Yes. That is one way to put it."
After a bit of walking, Kevin and Jeanne-Marie ended up at the theatre, and after purchasing tickets, ended up inside. They'd decided on 'Mars Attacks', and Kevin was actually rather pleased with that. He hadn't seen that movie in a long time, and it was actually kind of funny, so whatever. As they sat there and the movie started, Kevin couldn't help but smile a little. Hehn, this movie was good, and there weren't many people in the theatre.
This was okay.
Propping his feet up on the seat, he leaned back in his seat. "My dad used to hate when I watched this movie," he whispered to Jeanne-Marie. "He always said it was stupid, but he didn't even know."
"Honestly, I don't think I would've understood, if I'd seen it a few months ago," Jeanne-Marie admitted. She liked this theater so much--it was so cheap, and you could talk and buy food, and bring anything in. The seats were old and small compared to the big, new theater, but she was so comfortable, curled up in hers with her legs beneath her. "Maybe he didn't watch old movies that much?"
She didn't know much about Kevin's father, but had always been curious--she was only afraid to hurt him by bringing it up, so she never did.
"He just thought these kinds were stupid is all," Kevin remarked. No, it was usually good not to talk about his dad unless he brought him up himself. Really, if anyone ever asked him questions about his father, and Kevin wasn't in the right mood, he'd likely just answer by saying it didn't matter since his dad was dead now all because of him. You know, in case someone forgot.
He leaned back in the chair, and suddenly his eyes widened. Leaning forward, he looked back to see that his neck had withered a small chunk of the chair away. Frowning, he pulled his collar of his jacket back up, and hoped that it would actually stay for once. Sinking down, he looked over at Jeanne-Marie.
"I wrecked the chair," he told her quietly.
Internally, she winced in sympathy, but was careful to keep it off her face. She waved it off. "It was already wrecked. I think these seats are a hundred years old."
"Anyhow," moving along with the conversation..., "he was right, this is very stupid. And that is why it is funny--it is a silly movie making fun of sillier movies." Of course, Jeanne-Marie didn't get all of the jokes in it--she could tell because she didn't always laugh when everyone else did. But the over-the-top lines and performances were always entertaining, anyhow.
The fact that Jeanne-Marie brushed it off and didn't make a big deal made Kevin forget about the chair pretty quickly, and easily, so he was able to get back into the movie right away, nodding along to what she said.
"That's exactly it," he said lowly. "You have a really big taste in movies, you know? I swear you like everything."
"When you come from nothing, you do appreciate everything," Jeanne-Marie said, utterly unaffected. From someone else, the words might've seemed bitter or angry, but really she was just grateful. She wanted to see all the movies and hear all the music she'd never been allowed before. "I want to enjoy everything. And so, I have a better chance of enjoying."
Sometimes, even things she thought she should not, she enjoyed, truth be told. But where was the harm?
Kevin nodded again, and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched the movie. He got what she meant by that, maybe not from experience in the same way, but he still understood. He'd never had friends before, so he did appreciate the ones he had now a little more than he ever liked to admit or even show. Hell, he even liked Josh a lot more than he let himself show. Unlike Jeanne-Marie, though, his psychological walls prevented him from a lot of experiences.
"You're lucky you're not an angry person," he told her, truly believing those words.
"I do get angry," she admitted with a sigh. "And I say and do horrible things. But... it goes away. And then I am sorry for it." A wry smile there. "That is also like my light, I suppose. Here and then gone, like it never was."
Not entirely true, as Jeanne-Marie could hold a grudge; she never forgot anything. But... her religion taught her to forgive. And so, she tried.
Mostly.
"There is strength in anger, though," she said. "I would rather be angry than scared or sad. And yet, I think they are related."
Kevin knew everyone got angry, but he felt like not many people did in the way that he always stumbled into. He'd feel hate and rage towards certain aspects of life, and it never went away. Kevin held grudges, and he remembered every little thing people said to him so he could throw it back in their faces if they ever hurt him or did something to him. Kevin was not a forgiving person, and since he couldn't even forgive himself for what happened to his father, he wasn't able to forgive other people all that well, either.
"How do you think that's strength?" he asked, eyeing her closely as he waited for her reply.
"It is motivation," Jeanne-Marie replied with no hesitation. She turned to meet his gaze, eye-to-eye. "Anger can be a reason to survive. To do better than anyone expects. To defy expectation. Anger can be powerful."
And dangerous. Yes. She knew that. Xavier had told her, and that was why it should not rule her. But it didn't mean she couldn't channel it.
Kevin stared at Jeanne-Marie for a few seconds before letting his gaze return to the screen. Maybe she was right about anger, but sadness was a different story. Sadness was a weakness that took hold of you by the throat and choked the life out of you. It was a cancer that slowly killed you from inside out, just like his stupid fucking powers.
"You're pretty put together, you know," he informed her eventually.
She smiled wryly. "You think that because you have not seen me when I'm--what is the opposite of put together?"
"Heh," Kevin hummed, and thought that over. Really, only one word came to mind when he thought of the definition of that. "Probably me."
"Next time I fall apart," Jeanne-Marie promised, "you will have a front row seat. Last time, I think we were not friends, yet. Of course I hope you will never have to see." A little smile, there. "But you are not... the opposite of put together. You are just a little bit scattered."
Kevin watched her for a few moments, nodding a little, but not wanting to vocally agree with that. He settled down in his chair for a little, and decided to watch the movie. They'd had a nice talk today, but Kevin just wanted to watch the movie now, and try to get comfortable with where he was. Hopefully, they wouldn't have any problems on the way home with any people, either.
And hopefully he wouldn't wreck the chair more than he had.
Kevin headed out of his room to go meet Jeanne-Marie by the front door, not all that excited about doing so. She sent him a text message saying that she wanted to bring him to some old theatre, and though he wasn't interested in leaving the school at all, he was going to see her. Maybe he could change her mind and they could watch something on TV again. Kevin didn't like leaving the school, because it was his prison. Maybe Kevin wasn't in real jail, but he needed to be somewhere that no one would touch him. No one would accidentally touch his face, or something. No one would bump into him, and no one would die. Everyone was safer and better off if he stayed on the school grounds.
He had only left the school once since coming here, and doing so had made him anxious. Kevin didn't belong in the outside world anymore.
Leaning against the wall, Kevin waited for Jeanne-Marie.
She appeared just a moment later, tying her leather jacket around her waist, though the cold rarely touched her; she just liked the way it looked. She flashed him a huge smile and dove right into her plans: "There are two shows that start in an hour. We have lots of time to get coffee or something on our way. We can bring in our own food."
Kevin's eyes widened at the way she talked. Jeanne-Marie seemed very happy at the idea of leaving, and Kevin was scared he couldn't convince her to stay. She'd end up dragging him out just like Paige had, and this would be a lot different. He'd have to be careful not to wreck any chairs, or anything. His stupid neck ruined his stupid life every time he leaned back, fuck.
"Are you sure you wanna go?" he asked her. "There's always something on TV, if it's a problem to get there."
"Why would it be a problem?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ears and then putting on her hat. "We have time to walk, even, if we want to."
It figured. Why did girls always try to make him leave the stupid school? Maybe he didn't like leaving the school, but no one ever considered that, did they? He was scared of leaving, and he didn't deserve it at the same time. There were too many what ifs for his liking, to be honest.
"What if I hurt someone? What if they bump into me and just fall over into ash?"
Jeanne-Marie didn't want to be dismissive--it was true, she didn't know what it was to be Kevin, and if she was, she would probably be just as paranoid, if not more so. But she truly believed that wasting his life indoors was not the answer. If anything, it would only make him more paranoid. She sighed, refusing to allow herself to become impatient. "If it is crowded and you feel too nervous, we will come home. At least come and walk around with me a little. It is a beautiful day."
Kevin sulked. "Fine, but if anything happens, I'm coming back."
He preferred to stay in the school, but he could be coaxed into leaving by the right people. Jeanne-Marie was one of his closer friends, but if Josh or Ellie asked him to do it as well, he would. Kevin was stubborn, but he did like making people he liked happy in ways that he could manage.
"Where is this place?" he asked, fighting a sigh.
"Just in town," she promised. "And near. They're showing an old Bela Lugosi movie and a newer one--I forget. Here." She dug in her bag and pressed a clipping into his gloved hand.
"Sure," Kevin said, looking over at the clipping. He didn't care that much about what they saw because he wasn't into doing this all that much. Shrugging, he quietly handed the clipping back to Jeanne-Marie. He wasn't trying to be a jerk, but he was just too concerned about a lot of other things to feel too concerned about the movie choice. "We can see whatever one you want. Let's just get this over with."
Kevin pulled his gloves up tighter, and turned up the collar of his jacket just for extra protection. Every part of his skin that could be protected by his clothes right now, was protected. Since it would be cold out, he zipped up his jacket, despite the fact that doing so would be rather pointless. His jacket was too thin to do anything against winter weather, but he liked it, so winter could shut up.
Jeanne-Marie rolled her eyes, but a small, affectionate smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she opened the door. "Be careful, Kevin. You'll look pretty silly with that attitude if you end up accidentally enjoying yourself."
Kevin followed Jeanne-Marie outside, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets as he did so. He gave her a shrug, not really feeling into this whole leaving thing. The school made him feel much more secure than any other place, he'd decided. It was just more comforting to be in an area where everyone knew how dangerous he was, and they kept their distance besides a small select few. And even those select few never, ever tried to touch his skin.
"Don't worry, I don't know how to enjoy myself," he commented. It was a slight joke, not that most people would even pick up on that. Sometimes, Kevin did use his sulking as a method of humour, but anyone who didn't know him that well likely never picked up on that. If he had to leave the school again, then he supposed he'd just live with it. He could go lay in the snow later if the outing bothered him, or whatever. "'Sides, the attitude is my personality. I can't get rid of it."
Jeanne-Marie chuckled and bumped his shoulder with hers. "God forbid it, mon cher. Let the world end first. Walk, or bus?"
"Let's just walk. There's too many people on the bus, and it smells weird," Kevin informed her. "Just show me where to go."
She did without another word on the subject, still smiling. "Tell me what's been happening. You and Josh have made up? No more fighting?" She tried to keep her voice light, but she hadn't brought it up since coming home from the holidays, since Kevin had been (for Kevin) in a good mood. It still nagged at her, though, knowing what Josh had done...
"We're okay," he assured her as they walked, fighting a smile. He hadn't talked to anyone besides Ellie about what had happened between him and Josh, but he trusted Jeanne-Marie not to be a dumbass about it. However, because she knew of what Josh had done, he was unsure of what her reaction to the news would be. He was a little hesitant to tell her because she was unpredictable sometimes, he thought.
"Um. Actually, we're together now. Sorta, whatever," he admitted slowly. "It happened on New Year's Eve."
She caught the hesitation in him; she wasn't sure why it was there, but she could guess. "I am glad that everything is worked out. If you are satisfied that he--that he understands what was wrong, then I will be. I hope you don't mind, Kevin, but your friends cannot help but feel protective."
"He knows what he did was wrong, and I know he won't do it again," he assured her, but he still got what she meant. He wouldn't be forgiving, if he was in Jeanne-Marie's place, that was for sure. Much as it could annoy him at times, Kevin was a very protective person, so he understood. "Everything doesn't feel completely bleak right now."
"Then I am very happy for you." Jeanne-Marie smiled. She couldn't quite forgive Josh yet, but if Kevin could, she would try. Between those two getting together and her brother and Simon finally connecting, the holidays had reduced the internal strife at the house quite a lot, she imagined. A pause. "I thought you didn't go to the party. Did Josh go?"
"I didn't go, but he did. He came up to our room around midnight, and we talked and stuff. Then we talked a little more the day after, and decided to be together, or whatever. We can't leave the school to hang out, but I don't care. I like it," Kevin admitted to Jeanne-Marie. "It's kinda cool. He can only touch me for a little bit, but that's better than not at all. My powers don't hurt him like they hurt everyone else."
Jeanne-Marie's heart softened further. "That must be so wonderful for you. I am truly happy." She slipped her arm through his and tugged him through the gates, toward Salem Center. "I didn't know his powers were so strong. He is very lucky, that they let him be with the one he wants."
"I guess," Kevin said, his face flushing slightly pink at her words. "He promised that if I hurt him, he'll tell me, but I won't let that happen. I'm not going to hurt anyone with my powers ever again."
If he ever got control over his powers, he'd just never use them again. They were bad powers, and they were not to be used like everyone else's. Moira didn't like his attitude because there was more he could do with his powers, but Kevin didn't care. If he ever got control, he was never turning his powers on again.
She squeezed his arm. "I know you won't. And I'm sure, if he knows you half as well as I suspect, that he knows that too. But as we all get to know our powers better, it is hard to say what could happen. Maybe better things are in store--for all of us." If only it was true for all the mutants in the world, and not just at the school.
Kevin didn't believe that, not really. Right now was good as it was going to get, and he knew it. He was lucky he even had people liking him after what he'd done, and with what he was. Kevin wasn't just a mutant, but he was a walking death trap. He could kill anyone with a single touch, and he never let himself forget that.
"How are you always so optimistic?" he had to ask.
There were very few people to whom Jeanne-Marie would answer that question honestly. Kevin was one of them. He didn't know everything explicitly, but he had more than enough information from their very first conversation to draw appropriate conclusions. Another squeeze. "Because if I was not, I would be dead. And just now, I am glad that my best efforts to end it failed. Years later, something is showing me that it was for a reason."
Kevin was surprised by that answer, and he looked over at her curiously. It surprised him that someone who dealt with those kinds of thoughts and feelings would somehow get better. He had those feelings everyday, and he bet Ellie did, too. Depression had him by throat sometimes, and it hurt to not just give into it. He wasn't going to die, though, and sometimes he hated that. "Are you happy here?" he asked her, wanting to hear what her response would be to that more than anything.
"If I was not happy here, it would be extremely ungrateful," she replied. Yes, the dark could catch her here as easily as anywhere, but here, she had friends--for the first time, she had family. People who depended on her and upon whom she could depend without being made to feel like it was wrong or bad or selfish. People she wanted to protect and who wanted to protect her, not just for show or to buy their way into heaven. For everything that she was. "It is certainly the happiest I have ever been--and the longest I have gone without the dark creeping in. Do you really hate it so much?"
"I don't hate it. The school's safe, and not everyone inside pisses me off. Some people do, but not everyone," Kevin spoke while they walked. No, his mood was just a constant from his depression, and because of his powers. Kevin's powers just weren't a death touch; no, there was a lot more to them than that, and they impacted his every second of life. "My dad was the only person who cared about me for a long time, and I murdered him. Not only do I have to live with that every day, but my powers are a lot worse than people realise. I see things in a sort of decay vision sometimes. I look around, and everyone's rotting away. Usually, I can control that part pretty easily, but I still have slips. It can hurt."
Kevin sighed, and looked down at his boots. On top of that, his powers ached not to use, and sometimes he felt like withering away the whole world. It was a lot to fight, and took a lot of energy to do. "No matter where I go, or what I do, I'm never going to be a happy person. Maybe I have moments, but I can't be happy as a whole."
"That is who you are, and will always be a part of who you are--just as my darkness will always be a part of me." She squeezed his arm a little. "Your true friends will always love you for it, not in spite of it. And they would never tell you that you should forget it.
"Time changes the way things feel," she said, thinking of something Professor Xavier had said to her in a session. "But it doesn't change us. And if someone doesn't like it, well..." A little smile--she didn't usually say things like this, but, "to hell with them."
"I guess," Kevin frowned. He wasn't sure how to feel about it, really. Time wouldn't change anything, except that he'd feel worse and worse. He and Ellie were in a down-spiral, and nothing was going to get better for either of them. Kevin accepted that, sadly enough. "You're still way more positive than I could ever be."
"It is natural to me to let my light out," she admitted. She knew that Kevin was not the same, and she always had, but she hoped he wouldn't think less of her for being different. She did like him for what he was, and understand it as best she could. "I think--I haven't said this to anyone, even the professor in our sessions--but I think that it is better for me that way. When I cannot shine bright, I feel trapped; when I feel trapped, I cannot... Work. I do not know the word. But you know what I mean, yes?"
Kevin didn't think less of Jeanne-Marie for having light inside her. No, he actually envied her for it. Though Kevin was moody as hell, he didn't actually like being that. Misery and depression were not fun things to live through, and if he could choose, Kevin would definitely live without them. "I get what you mean. That's probably a good thing, that you have that light inside you---I wish I had something like that."
She squeezed his arm. "Maybe you just haven't found it yet. It doesn't have to be inside--it can be something outside. Something you love. Maybe your art, maybe not. Something that makes it worth it."
"Maybe," Kevin shrugged. Sure, his art made him happy, but it didn't make anything really worth living. Nothing was ever good in the end, so Kevin barely had hope about that. "I'm not holding my breath for that, though. All I know is that I'm not gonna end up killing myself like I thought; Ellie told me I wouldn't."
"How strange our lives are, that we know someone who can do that," Jeanne-Marie said with a smile and a shake of her head. "I am glad to hear it, though. It would be a very sad thing for your friends--for me and Ellie. For Josh. We want to keep you."
Kevin shrugged, not really knowing what to say when Jeanne-Marie worded it like that. It was easier for him to deal with the fact that nobody cared, then the fact that people did. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't handle it sometimes. Really, he was a coward, and that was why he wouldn't end his life.
"I've never really had friends before," he admitted, looking up at the sky. "It's different."
Which, in Kevin's own personal language, means it is as close to good as he is willing to admit. Jeanne-Marie smiled to herself. "Yes. That is one way to put it."
After a bit of walking, Kevin and Jeanne-Marie ended up at the theatre, and after purchasing tickets, ended up inside. They'd decided on 'Mars Attacks', and Kevin was actually rather pleased with that. He hadn't seen that movie in a long time, and it was actually kind of funny, so whatever. As they sat there and the movie started, Kevin couldn't help but smile a little. Hehn, this movie was good, and there weren't many people in the theatre.
This was okay.
Propping his feet up on the seat, he leaned back in his seat. "My dad used to hate when I watched this movie," he whispered to Jeanne-Marie. "He always said it was stupid, but he didn't even know."
"Honestly, I don't think I would've understood, if I'd seen it a few months ago," Jeanne-Marie admitted. She liked this theater so much--it was so cheap, and you could talk and buy food, and bring anything in. The seats were old and small compared to the big, new theater, but she was so comfortable, curled up in hers with her legs beneath her. "Maybe he didn't watch old movies that much?"
She didn't know much about Kevin's father, but had always been curious--she was only afraid to hurt him by bringing it up, so she never did.
"He just thought these kinds were stupid is all," Kevin remarked. No, it was usually good not to talk about his dad unless he brought him up himself. Really, if anyone ever asked him questions about his father, and Kevin wasn't in the right mood, he'd likely just answer by saying it didn't matter since his dad was dead now all because of him. You know, in case someone forgot.
He leaned back in the chair, and suddenly his eyes widened. Leaning forward, he looked back to see that his neck had withered a small chunk of the chair away. Frowning, he pulled his collar of his jacket back up, and hoped that it would actually stay for once. Sinking down, he looked over at Jeanne-Marie.
"I wrecked the chair," he told her quietly.
Internally, she winced in sympathy, but was careful to keep it off her face. She waved it off. "It was already wrecked. I think these seats are a hundred years old."
"Anyhow," moving along with the conversation..., "he was right, this is very stupid. And that is why it is funny--it is a silly movie making fun of sillier movies." Of course, Jeanne-Marie didn't get all of the jokes in it--she could tell because she didn't always laugh when everyone else did. But the over-the-top lines and performances were always entertaining, anyhow.
The fact that Jeanne-Marie brushed it off and didn't make a big deal made Kevin forget about the chair pretty quickly, and easily, so he was able to get back into the movie right away, nodding along to what she said.
"That's exactly it," he said lowly. "You have a really big taste in movies, you know? I swear you like everything."
"When you come from nothing, you do appreciate everything," Jeanne-Marie said, utterly unaffected. From someone else, the words might've seemed bitter or angry, but really she was just grateful. She wanted to see all the movies and hear all the music she'd never been allowed before. "I want to enjoy everything. And so, I have a better chance of enjoying."
Sometimes, even things she thought she should not, she enjoyed, truth be told. But where was the harm?
Kevin nodded again, and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched the movie. He got what she meant by that, maybe not from experience in the same way, but he still understood. He'd never had friends before, so he did appreciate the ones he had now a little more than he ever liked to admit or even show. Hell, he even liked Josh a lot more than he let himself show. Unlike Jeanne-Marie, though, his psychological walls prevented him from a lot of experiences.
"You're lucky you're not an angry person," he told her, truly believing those words.
"I do get angry," she admitted with a sigh. "And I say and do horrible things. But... it goes away. And then I am sorry for it." A wry smile there. "That is also like my light, I suppose. Here and then gone, like it never was."
Not entirely true, as Jeanne-Marie could hold a grudge; she never forgot anything. But... her religion taught her to forgive. And so, she tried.
Mostly.
"There is strength in anger, though," she said. "I would rather be angry than scared or sad. And yet, I think they are related."
Kevin knew everyone got angry, but he felt like not many people did in the way that he always stumbled into. He'd feel hate and rage towards certain aspects of life, and it never went away. Kevin held grudges, and he remembered every little thing people said to him so he could throw it back in their faces if they ever hurt him or did something to him. Kevin was not a forgiving person, and since he couldn't even forgive himself for what happened to his father, he wasn't able to forgive other people all that well, either.
"How do you think that's strength?" he asked, eyeing her closely as he waited for her reply.
"It is motivation," Jeanne-Marie replied with no hesitation. She turned to meet his gaze, eye-to-eye. "Anger can be a reason to survive. To do better than anyone expects. To defy expectation. Anger can be powerful."
And dangerous. Yes. She knew that. Xavier had told her, and that was why it should not rule her. But it didn't mean she couldn't channel it.
Kevin stared at Jeanne-Marie for a few seconds before letting his gaze return to the screen. Maybe she was right about anger, but sadness was a different story. Sadness was a weakness that took hold of you by the throat and choked the life out of you. It was a cancer that slowly killed you from inside out, just like his stupid fucking powers.
"You're pretty put together, you know," he informed her eventually.
She smiled wryly. "You think that because you have not seen me when I'm--what is the opposite of put together?"
"Heh," Kevin hummed, and thought that over. Really, only one word came to mind when he thought of the definition of that. "Probably me."
"Next time I fall apart," Jeanne-Marie promised, "you will have a front row seat. Last time, I think we were not friends, yet. Of course I hope you will never have to see." A little smile, there. "But you are not... the opposite of put together. You are just a little bit scattered."
Kevin watched her for a few moments, nodding a little, but not wanting to vocally agree with that. He settled down in his chair for a little, and decided to watch the movie. They'd had a nice talk today, but Kevin just wanted to watch the movie now, and try to get comfortable with where he was. Hopefully, they wouldn't have any problems on the way home with any people, either.
And hopefully he wouldn't wreck the chair more than he had.
