Felix & Remus (backdated October 30)

[om_ghost]

Remus finds out why Felix has been avoiding him for a few days: Felix admits to kissing Shinobi on his birthday (log not yet posted).
Note: Felix uses very judgmental language about his behavior, and there are references to Felix's past abuse.


Ever since the weekend, which he has spent mostly in the city after Shinobi Shaw's decadent and eventful birthday party, Felix had been avoiding having an individual conversation with Remus. It wasn't, exactly, that he was trying to avoid his dear friend. They still had their classes together, enjoyed lunch at the same table sometimes, spent time with the other boys in their usual group. Felix just managed not to be alone with Remus for several days.

On Thursday, though, Felix returned to his room after classes only to find that Remus was arriving at his own room right across the hall. Another wave of uncomfortable, if hazy, memories swirled up in his mind, contrasting starkly to Remus' warmth, innocence, and acceptance. Quickly, Felix looked away, and promptly dropped his key when attempting to unlock his dorm room's door.

Remus was accustomed to Felix keeping his distance around the full moon, and so the fact that it wasn't that time of month was enough to make Remus notice. Though he also recognized that he could very well be imagining things or reading too much into it. Actually, he pretty much assumed that was the case.

He bent down and picked up Felix's keys, and handed them to him with a warm smile. "Hi," he said pleasantly. "How was your day?"

Felix couldn't find his voice right away, but he accepted the keys silently, watching Remus' hand instead of his face. "I... I'm, um..." No matter how much he tried to say that he was fine, and everything was just fine, it wouldn't come out.

What did finally break free was a rapid, whispered tumble of words. "Oh-Remus-I-did-something-stupid."

Remus blinked at him, surprised and confused. "Oh... kay? Is everything all right? Here, um - " He nodded to the door. "Why don't we talk not in the hallway?"

Though Felix needed a bit of help to get the key in the lock, he did manage to get the door open, and slipped into the relative safety of his room. Remus was right about not saying this out loud in the hall, though he didn't think Remus was going to stick around in his room very long once he heard.

Dropping his book bag down on his bed, Felix mumbled, "I feel like I've said this a million times, but, you might end up hating me, okay?"

"What?" Remus frowned, looking concerned, and folded his arms across his chest as if hugging himself. "Is this something else about your past?"

"Not unless you consider last Saturday my past," Felix answered tightly. "No. Yes. I mean... I don't know." He paced when he was agitated, and did it now, in the limited space of the dorm room, from his bed to Benton's and back again. His fingers twisted together in increasingly painful-looking knots.

"At Shinobi's birthday party, I got... really drunk. Stupidly drunk. And I don't know why, I don't remember what I was thinking, but I know I... I propositioned Shinobi. And I kissed him. A lot."

Remus' mouth opened into a surprised little 'o' and then he sat down on the bed. He looked up at Felix, and after a moment, finally said, "... oh."

He swallowed hard, feeling his stomach twist up unpleasantly. "So are you and Shinobi... I mean, are you..." He wasn't even sure if he'd had his first relationship yet, and he was already getting dumped.

Felix still couldn't look at Remus, didn't really know what he was asking, because he couldn't bear to look at his dear friend's face. "He put me to bed," Felix answered softly. Though his back was turned to Remus, his head was bowed. "I passed out. I'm still just his little duckling."

... and Remus had no idea what that meant, either. But the way Felix was turned away from him, his body language, Remus recognized shame when he saw it. "Felix..." Another swallow - his mouth felt dry. "Are you telling me this because you want him instead of me?"

"What?" Felix turned around immediately, quick enough to confuse his vision, without his glasses on currently. He dropped heavily onto his rump on Benton's bed, opposite Remus. "No! Is that what you... no. No, I'm telling you this because--"

His voice cracked, and he looked like he was swallowing down something that might make him sick. "Because I guess you have a right to know that I ... I really am just a slut."

"What?" Remus' eyes went wide. "Felix, don't say that. You know that isn't true!" He still felt sick about what Felix had told him about his past, but it was all sadness and anger, and it wasn't directed at Felix at all - Remus saw him as a hundred percent a victim in what had happened to him.

Felix shrank back from Remus' emotional response, instinctively. He wasn't afraid of Remus, but a part of him, down deep in the bedrock of who he was, didn't want Remus to care about him. He was going to be fighting that for a long time.

"I don't know why else I'd do something like that," Felix whispered in a tumbling rush. "I can't even change for P.E. in front of people."

Remus felt terrible right now. Terrible because he wondered if it meant Felix didn't really want him after all. Because he felt jealous. Because he felt hurt. And because Felix clearly felt terrible, too, and Remus hated to see him upset.

"It sounds like you were a teenage boy," Remus finally said, quietly, after a moment. "And in particular, a drunk teenage boy. Honestly, it probably just means you're... you know. Normal." Remus wondered what would happen if he got drunk. Would he try to snog one of his friends? It probably wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

'Normal' was the absolute last thing that Felix felt. He felt broken, and he felt like a traitor to Remus, who had been so understanding and accepting of him. Was this how he was going to repay his friend for being considerate? It was awful, and worse still, Felix had the disgusting, sinking feeling that he did know why he'd done it: because, before, when he'd been drunk and high, it was easier to do the things Lorenzo had wanted.

Lorenzo had called him a slut with vicious affection, then. Felix stared stupidly at the floor, fighting the memory back before he was swallowed by it. Shakily, he whispered, "I really, really don't think I am."

Remus looked at him, and he found himself wanting to go over and wrap an arm around him. But he didn't. "Felix... whatever the rest of it..." There was, at least, one thing he could offer. "You don't have to worry that I'm, like... mad at you. I mean, even if you did know what you were doing, you never promised me anything."

Felix took a moment out from looking miserable to look perplexed, and blinked his way back up to stare at Remus instead of the floor. "You're... not mad? Are you sure? Because you can be. I'd deserve it."

Remus hesitated. "It doesn't feel good," he said. And no, it didn't, not at all. "But you didn't do anything wrong... I don't think. How would you feel if it were me instead?"

"I'd... " Felix hesitated over the response that came most readily; he wasn't sure Remus would really like it. "I'd be a little sad, but a little proud of you too, I think. Because you don't usually ask for things you want. I wouldn't be mad," he added, since that was the real question. "I wouldn't be upset if you wanted to kiss someone else."

Remus bit his lip. "I... don't," he admitted, not sure if he should or not. And then added hastily, "But that doesn't mean I expect the same of you. I know you're upset about what happened with Shinobi, I just don't want you to... you shouldn't be upset because of me. It's perfectly understandable that you would want to kiss someone else." Understandable, yes. But it did still sting.

Felix's brows knit in a small frown. "Why is it 'perfectly understandable'?"

Remus flushed. "I mean... because... I imagine there are lots of boys who would be interested in you, Felix." He honestly still didn't totally understand why Felix had chosen him at all, except that, maybe, well, he was safe.

"No," said Felix, quiet and watching Remus steadily. "Not a lot of boys are very interested in a boyfriend who's too afraid to unbutton his shirt. Not a lot of boys think that reading books together is the most interesting thing two people can do when they're alone. That's... just you, really."

That didn't necessarily make Remus feel better. It kind of sounded like Remus was... the only available option. "Well." He looked down at his hands, a bit at a loss now. "What now?"

Felix had the distinct feeling that he'd done something rather worse than kissing Shinobi, somehow, though he didn't know how it had gone so badly. Perhaps he really wasn't cut out for... whatever this was. "It's up to you," he answered, lowering his head. "I'm... bound to screw up again, probably."

Meanwhile, Remus was feeling like he was doing pretty badly, too. "But do you... want to be kissing other people?" And then he added hastily, "There's not a right answer to that question, really, I just, um, need to know, I think."

"I'm not really planning on it," Felix answered, soft-voiced but honest. Telling the truth felt raw and difficult, scratching up the inside of his chest. A lie would be smoother, sweeter, and so much easier to say, but in the end he'd only feel poisoned and guilty if this happened again. "But I liked feeling in control of everything. I liked making the decision for myself. I just... I don't like knowing that I've hurt you," he finished, falling back into a whisper.

"I'm glad for that, Felix, honestly," Remus said. "You making decisions for yourself, I mean. Even if you make them... away from me. But..." He hesitated. "I don't know that what you do when you're drinking is really you being in control, not really."

Felix had already given away too much. He didn't want to tell Remus how much he liked getting drunk, how he looked forward to the feeling of power and freedom that alcohol bought him. That feeling wasn't one he'd been able to find anywhere else. "I don't drink that much," he promised quickly. "Only with Shinobi, and... well. I think he's probably going to think better of that in the future."

"It's okay, I'm not judging or anything I promise, I just..." Remus looked a little at a loss. "I just. I want you to do what makes you happy. And I hope it has something to do with me but I don't want to force it..."

"Remus," Felix said, cutting in, though his words weren't harsh at all. His breath caught before he spoke again, but then he said, "Being with you... makes me happy. If I ever made you feel like that wasn't true, then, well, I'm an idiot. And I'm probably not ever going to be good enough to deserve you, but... if you don't mind, I'd like to keep trying."

Remus fidgeted for a second, and then stood and walked over to sit down on the other bed besides Felix, though not close enough to touch.

Felix did not know what to do. Usually it seemed so clear: do this, say that, smile this way, and people would like him. Sometimes even people would want to protect him, teach him, and give him things. But with Remus, it was different. He didn't want to trick Remus into liking him, like he'd done with a lot of others at the school. Felix wanted Remus to actually like him. He just wasn't sure he was actually very likable.

"Do you still want to go to the Halloween party with me?" Felix asked hesitantly.

"Yes," said Remus quietly, and then leaned in and kissed his cheek. Then, because Felix seemed to require some kind of explanation for why he wasn't mad, he added, "You didn't have to tell me, you know. I probably never would have found out."

That small kiss of affection remained Felix's favorite, even though they had explored some much more detailed kisses together. "Oh," he said, sounding a little surprised, like he hadn't thought of that. "Does that make it better or worse that I did tell you?"

"Well, I'd... like to think that you care enough about me to be truthful," Remus admitted. Pause. "And that it's not just because you feel guilty. Though to be fair, if you feel guilty I guess that also means you care..." He looked embarrassed now.

"I care about you not being hurt," said Felix immediately. "And I care what you think about me. You listened to the truth about me and you didn't walk away, so... yes." He was faltering in his attempt to express just how much it meant to Felix to speak the truth to anyone, when so much of his world was a dream, or a fiction. "It's easier to lie or make up a story, but for you, I want to tell the truth, even if it's hard."

Remus wasn't sure what to say to that, though he did think he understood the importance of that last statement. So he just told a truth of his own. "I've been..." He suddenly felt nervous. He didn't know how to categorize this feeling he had, how to deal with it. He'd never felt like this before. Was it infatuation? The way he just couldn't stop... "... thinking about you. I think about you a lot." Even more so as the full moons got closer, and the way his thoughts started to veer in those times he suspected Felix would not want to know about. "... I'm sorry, does that sound creepy? I don't mean it like that, I just..." He faltered.

Felix tipped his head so he could see Remus better, and his eyes grew wider the more that Remus said. It wasn't what he expected. Then again, he hadn't expected to end up being honestly attracted to his friend when he'd decided almost a year before that Remus would be his first adventure into the world of proper dating. He also hadn't expected that Remus would honestly be attracted to him.

"It's not creepy," Felix promised, quickly. "I... like it. I like that you think about me when I'm not around." Clearly not something that Felix was very good at reciprocating. "I hope they're pleasant thoughts."

"Yes," Remus said softly, and then realized suddenly how awful he really would have felt if Felix's confession had ended with 'and now I think we should just be friends.' As slowly as they were moving, he knew that this was more than friendship. He felt it, and it felt wonderful. He didn't want to lose that, even with how much it scared him.

Felix leaned on one hand, closer to Remus, watching his friend's face change and shift through emotions that Felix couldn't name, yet he still found rather beautiful. Remus was so expressive, sometimes in tiny ways, and it was fascinating to see. "Is it okay if I kiss you again?" he asked hopefully.

Remus relaxed visibly, a sweet smile lighting on his face. "Always."

Even with that reassurance, Felix still found that he liked asking, first. It was just as exciting to know that Remus wanted to kiss him as it was to actually kiss him. Wanting very much to capture that smile for his own, Felix ducked in quickly, touching his fingertips to Remus' cheek and pressing a long, lingering kiss to his lips.

Remus found that whenever he started kissing Felix, he mostly just didn't want to stop. It felt as if they'd learned their way around now, past the awkward fumbling of their first time and the few times after that.

He also found that he was pretty much terrified of doing anything else. Especially now that Felix had told him about his past. The last thing that Remus wanted was for Felix to think that he wanted anything of him that he wasn't willing to give. As a result, Remus was anxious even just to touch him in any new way.

A kiss sweeter than he could have imagined -- that was everything that Felix wanted from that moment. Everything he wanted from Remus. Maybe some parts of his body had other ideas, but Felix was good at ignoring them, and besides, it scared him just as much as it did Remus.

After what felt like a long time, Felix broke away, blinking his eyes open slowly. "We... probably shouldn't be kissing on Benton's bed," he whispered, barely holding back a giggle.

"Oh," said Remus, seeming to come to himself a little. "Oh, you're right. He wouldn't like that very much, would he? Should we, um, I mean, do you want to stop, or should we move?"

Felix slid up to his feet, brushing Remus' shoulder lightly with his fingertips as he crossed the dorm room to his own bed. "Let's start with moving," he suggested, "and then see what happens."

Comments

[om_quicksilver]

Oh my god, precious babies. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH WOW.

[om_ghost]

Remus is best not-quite-boyfriend right??? All their interactions are like:

Felix: ... and those are the very good reasons why I'm terrible.
Remus: ♥_♥ *kindness kindess*
Felix: God dammit.

[om_quicksilver]

Seriously I just. Like it makes me all wibbly. I just. BABIES.

[om_justice]

This was so oddly cute. <3