om_havok: (Alex1a)
om_havok ([personal profile] om_havok) wrote in [community profile] om_main2014-09-09 06:58 am
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Noriko and Alex, Backdated to 09 Sept

In the aftermath of her encounter with Callisto, Nori doesn't seem quite like herself. Alex attempts to talk to her about it. He even manages not to flub the whole thing too badly. Probably because there is food at the end.

Noriko was off her game, and she knew it. The Danger Room scenario they were playing was particularly good at highlighting her sudden desire to be everywhere at once, and make sure that all the bad-guy-holograms were out.

Of course, that kind of desire to overdo it led to making mistakes, and she rubbed her arm angrily where a fake bullet had hit it, just as the scenario vanished from around Alex and her.

She didn't want to talk about it. She also knew that she probably should, but... she hated how badly she'd just done. This was just a sim; what if it had been real life?

There were a lot of things Alexander Summers could have been better at, and one of them was talking about personal stuff. Banter he could handle, but feelings and baggage and heavy things like that made him want to quietly excuse himself and hole up in his room until they passed or changed or just got repressed. Seriously, any of those were fine. But. He also took training pretty seriously--maybe almost as seriously as Nori or Scott did. So when Noriko took that hit, it didn't make a hell of a lot of difference that it was all make-believe. The whole goddamn point was to get it right now, so when the real bullets started flying they didn't end up with a bloodbath.

Which meant that, yeah, in this case, they were gonna have to talk.

It was figuring out how to begin that was the biggest pain. Not really having much of a way with words, either, Alex eventually elected to just blurt it out. "What was that all about? All the times we've run through this simulation, I've never seen you get tagged." He folded his arms over his middle, bracing for whatever was going to come next.

Noriko was still glaring when Alex spoke up, but for all that the anger was aimed at herself, it still glinted straight at him when she looked his way. For a couple of seconds, before she looked away with a frustrated sigh. "Just - ugh." She didn't even know how to start talking about this shit, and she pushed a gauntleted hand back through her hair. "Some stuff happened, and I'm trying too hard. In all the wrong ways, clearly."

"Stuff, huh?" Alex said, forcing himself to immediately backpedal in the face of her obvious anger. "Sounds like some pretty serious fucking stuff, if it's screwing with your head that bad." And as much as everything in him screamed that this was not something he should be doing, he went on, "Is it the kind of stuff you need to get off your chest? 'Cause, you know, that helps, sometimes. I totally promise not to try to give you any life-changing advice, either. About all I'm qualified to do is listen. Maybe nod my head sometimes to show I'm following along."

"You've gotta stop putting yourself down," Noriko pointed out wryly, then looked away again, clenching her hands once in the gauntlets. No trouble with the right one, now that Tony had had a look at it. Fucking Tony. "Stuff happened - stuff I could have prevented by being smarter. And then, out there - a couple people almost died."

Alex thought that over for a few moments, then gave a helpless shrug. "Well, shit. We could all stand to be smarter--we're fucking teenagers. Not that a lot of adults seem to actually manage to get there, either, but hey. And 'almost' died ... I mean, that seems like a pretty key adverb. Don't get me wrong, you should totally be pissed, but don't let it get inside your head. 'Almost died' is a helluva step up from 'almost survived', if you ask me." Which she hadn't, obviously. Still.

Well, that point might actually have had more impact if Philip hadn't died, but that wasn't something Noriko could say. "Yeah, you'd think that," she muttered, then shook her head and looked up at Alex. "I can't get it outside my head, Alex. Half the people on JVX look to me like I'm team leader - and I'm not, and I'm not fit for it."

"Bullshit," said Alex, without so much as a moment's hesitation. Okay, he might not entirely get the first part of what she'd said, but that last bit he understood well enough. And, "I call bullshit on you. If you don't want to be leader, that's one thing," he went on. "Totally understandable--I don't think anybody would be thrilled at being handed a team like ours, however good our intentions might be. But the reason we look at you like that is because we trust you. Not to never fuck up--everybody fucks up eventually. We trust you because you've got a good head for tactics. 'Cause you care enough to take it seriously and be responsible and crap. 'Cause as hard as you push us, you'll push yourself even harder, and you won't take any shit from us or anybody else.

"So yeah, you're totally fit for it. But nobody's gonna make you, if you don't want it." True, the team would fall apart within a few weeks without Nori at the helm, but that was how it was. Leadership wasn't something you forced on people; they either accepted it or they didn't.

"But I just fucked up, Alex," Noriko retorted, her anger at herself making another comeback in her voice and gaze. "Worse than I can tell you. And the only reason people are looking to me is because I got the ball rolling. It could've been other people. Shit, Patriot would be a way better leader than me. For every reason you just listed - and because he's more capable." She wasn't capable. She was just - this girl, playing at being able to handle herself. What had happened with Callisto was proof enough.

"If it'd been Patriot who'd come up with this idea, I'd have told him he was barking up the wrong Summers," Alex told her bluntly. "He seems like a nice enough guy, don't get me wrong. But I don't really know him, aside from the odd journal post and seeing him around the school. I'd have said I already have a training squad with better teamwork than most. Either way, I haven't got a problem with you fucking up; it's just gonna make you try that much harder next time." He looked back over at the training floor, now mostly empty. "Unless you decide to totally wallow and get shot by holograms. It's completely your call."

"I still say it should come to a freaking vote," Noriko muttered. Not that she was officially the leader or anything, but if things were going to move in that direction - yeah, seriously.

It was probably a moot point; they were very unlikely to be called out on the field in this configuration. Which was why she'd let things unfold that way so far.

She looked up at Alex and spoke more clearly. "I was getting shot by holograms because I was trying too hard, Alex, not because I was - wallowing." This was proof that trying hard didn't make her a good anything - apart from, maybe, a good potential corpse.

Alex snorted. "Same difference," he said. "You want to make sure that if anybody else ever gets hurt on your watch, it's you. I get it." An unreasonably overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility was kind of a Summers trait, after all. "You're not trying too hard; you're just being plain stubborn. But what's the point of having a team that can watch your back if you don't want to let them? It's kind of dumb, is all I'm saying."

Noriko sighed, shaking her head. "I just - I don't know - I don't know what I should've done differently, and I -" She stopped talking, turning away to get a hold on herself. That was the problem, wasn't it? She'd gone with two people she trusted - what should he have done, gone with more, on a hunch? Not gone at all, and let the killing continue? Fuck it, she didn't know what her exact failing had been, and that was why she couldn't just learn from it and keep going, especially with the image of Philip dead on the ground.

Alex was quiet for a moment, grappling with his impulse to just leave it alone, let it go, and allow Noriko to sort things out for herself without his dubious advice. It was tempting, especially since this conversation didn't seem to have anyplace left to go, except into the personal. But hell, if he couldn't talk to her, who could he talk to? Most of his friends weren't at the school anymore, for one reason or another, and though he'd made some new ones, he'd known Noriko the longest. They had history. They were solid. Even if he couldn't actually help, he wanted to try. Because as much as he dreaded the thought of saying it out loud, he did care, in his awkward, awkward way.

"Maybe there wasn't anything you could have done differently," he suggested softly at last. "Maybe sometimes you do everything right, or as well as you possibly can, and things still end up going to hell. I mean, my dad was a pilot in the USAF--he knew planes inside and out. Did most of his own maintenance, 'cause he thought that was the best way to get to know the machines he was working with. He still ended up crashing on a clear day with no other air traffic for miles. Mom made sure me and Scott got out," he went on, "made sure we had a chance, but we still ended up separated and cut off from our grandparents. It just goes wrong Nori. And there nothing, nothing you can do to fix it."

Some time along his tale, Noriko had turned around to face Alex as he spoke. Face him, a frown on her brow the whole time - this wasn't a fun, happy thing he was sharing, of course she was frowning. "But how do you make the difference?" she asked, her voice thicker than she would have liked. But still, she went on talking, forced herself to. "Between when you could have, should have done something different, and when shit just goes wrong?"

"Maybe you can't, not every single time," he said slowly. "And sometimes when you get it wrong, it costs you big--that seems like it's the chance you take for, you know, living, and not hiding out in a hole in, I dunno, Arizona somewhere. But I think it's not about never making a mistake, or even being able to go back and fix the mistakes you did make. I think it's trying your best to get it right the next time, and not giving up on yourself or other people just because you got the shit kicked out of you by life." He shrugged, a bit helplessly. "I mean, it's not like there's a rewind button. Unless somebody goes and manifests the power to turn back time. 'Til then, I guess all we can do is try to anticipate what could happen ahead of time, and accept we won't always be batting a thousand."

He shrugged again. "I don't think I'm making any sense now. You should probably talk to Scott. Or Phil. They actually know some things about the stuff that matters."

Noriko was fighting back tears by the time Alex was done talking, which fucking sucked. "No, you're making a lot of sense." Or was he? She could already imagine what fucking Stark would have to say about it. That she was an idiot, and going easy on herself. That she shouldn't ever lead a team again. But she wanted to believe what Alex was saying.

Oh god. What the hell had he said? Nori wasn't crying, exactly--Alex wasn't entirely sure she could, her self-control was so important to her--but it was as close as he'd ever seen. It looked like his attempt to help her feel better had done a complete one-eighty and had exactly the opposite effect. Shit. This was what happened when he went and talked about things. "Anyway," he went on, knowing he should probably cut his losses, but unable to stop now he'd gone this far, "we all have that little voice in the back of our heads that tells us we should have done better, or known better, or just plain been better. I guess the question is whether we use it to motivate ourselves or let it cripple us.

"I think maybe the big question now is whether your motivation is going into making you a better leader ... or a better solo act." Again, he shrugged. "It's totally up to you, and I'll back you up either way," as much as he thought that second thing would be a colossal fucking waste, "but it's not the kind of call you should make out of guilt over stuff nobody can change or fear of what hasn't happened yet--and might never happen. You figure out what you want to do and go for it. And I'd bet money you'll do awesome when you do. Y'know, if I had any."

Noriko huffed out a hollow laugh at that conclusion. "Yeah." Story of their lives, wasn't it. "I've never been a good solo act, anyway." Even out on the street, she'd been - not making bonds, because that was just asking for heartbreak, she'd learned soon enough, but at least looking out for kids, as much as she'd been able to. "You're right," she stated, after a few more seconds, and blinking enough to clear her vision. "I should just suck it up."

"Hey," Alex said, knowing this was one of those times it was maybe okay to offer a pat on the bag or a friendly arm-squeeze or something, but not being quite sure how to actually make himself do it, "don't get me wrong. Just because I am absolute shit when it comes to talking about, you know, feelings and stuff, that doesn't mean I think you shouldn't have any. It's okay for you to feel like crap. Hell, if it was me, I'd probably feel like crap. I'm not saying you should repress, or anything. Just ... I don't know, use it for something other than getting shot by imaginary goons in our big high-tech sandbox."

"Stop being so freakin' wise for a second, yeah?" Noriko shot back, but there was more affection than hostility in her words. Trust Alex to just. Say everything she needed to hear, probably. She pushed a gauntleted hand back through her hair, getting it out of her face. "Thanks."

That first bit drew out a skeptical guffaw. "Yeah, that sounds like me, all right," he said. "I'm like Socrates and the Dalai Lama and that guy from the self-help infomercials they show at three a.m. combined." Alex huffed good-naturedly. "The best advice I can give you is be sure you get a second opinion. I'm totally a natural blond, y'know."

And then some of the self consciousness came back. "But you're welcome." He fidgeted a little. "If you ever want to, uh, talk about stuff ... y'know, whatever--doesn't have to be anything in particular--I'm usually," he waved his hand in a vague circle, "around somewhere. I might not actually be able to help that much, but I don't mind taking a stab at it. 'S what friends are for, or whatever."

Of course Noriko was going to give him shit for that; it was what they did, even if she'd just unloaded on him. Especially because she had, she figured. So she reached over and punched him in the shoulder. "Watch out, Summers. Your soft side's showing." So maybe that was her telling him thank you, again, in the way they more usually communicated. So what?

"Like a freakin' marshmallow," he agreed, grinning and rubbing at his shoulder, even though she hadn't actually hit him that hard. "But hell, if I'm getting soft, it's only 'cause somebody was hogging all the bad guys in my last DR workout. Some amped-up blue-haired Japanese girl, who shall remain nameless. It was like being totally cock-blocked, except I'd be blowing shit up with plasma instead of getting laid. Which is almost as good." Probably.

"Well, she sounds like an asshole," Noriko retorted wryly, and nodded towards the way out. "You wanna eat something?" She was starving, as always after a power workout.

"Dude. When do I ever not?" he asked rhetorically, falling into step next to her. "I move that we eat all the snack foods ever. And maybe some ice cream."

"Seconded," Noriko agreed and, since they were the only two present, "Motion passes."

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